Intercultural relationships in the Philippines

Intercultural relationships have unique challenges. I have been married now in two different cultural groups and the bottom line is that if you love someone, you put the effort into learning about their country and culture and maybe, just maybe, you stop looking at differences and form a new set of commonalities.

I will like to talk about this topic, but find it at no use, why? because someone will remove my topic here, if it is  honest and truthful topic it will be removed, but if I talk about all how great things are then it will stay, this are double standards, I will say only if good for one good for all,

We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. Winston Churchill


Dont give up! your opinions count and might actually help someone make an informed decision!

The partner is not always the problem but perhaps the bitching we/I do with him about how backward and archaic the systems and norms are here in PH. is or can be a problem. Learning slowly to shut my mouth, my better half though I am sure has a few staunch beratements with regards to his life in Oz for the last 5 years appears to hold back,,,, a Filipino thing? Yep. Something to learn from? Yep again. Trying and succeeding.

Cheers, Steve.

good answer!

My wife and I have learned to be strategic in what we walk about or how we talk about it. Too easy to insult culture just because people do things differently somewhere else. We look for things we have in common first then build upon them!

Been married for almost 7 years to my Filipina wife and it's been an adventure.  I honestly cannot decide if we're still together because she loves me or because it would just be a huge shame for her to get divorced.  She's been working full-time since we met (elementary teacher) and I've learned that's unacceptable in her culture.  Neither of us had been married or had kids, so I definitely wasn't looking for an 'arrangement' where I would be everyone's benefactor...and there's nothing wrong with that...i just wanted something real.  Evidently, that's not allowed here.  My wife gets it, but there's a huge shame for her NOT to financially benefit substantially from our marriage.   That kind of sucks, for all involved.  But we have a daughter, so we're still together......

Been married since 2015, had a child back home with my wife, back to Philippines and we live here now for time being, yes big shock  to me with Filipino culture and not only one thing but all of it here, but I got trough it one step at the time, I must say i am not liking it but hey I learn to live with it, yes family was a big issue for me, when I build a house with my Wife everyone thought it was for who ever, hmmm I am bit of a private person and have been all my life, staying some times over night I am ok with it, but staying for long periods is not ok with me, I was lucky that my wife got to understand me and she supported me in this hard times I was going trough, ok that was then now is ok, I can live and be content with this culture, but we steal are outsiders to them, I wish they can overcome this, and they start to accept us more in community,

Hello;

US Expat be I.  I have married my beautiful mahal asawa now 3 years.  I quickly found out that not only did i marry her, but also married the whole Barungy!!!!  Love my new family, but privacy requires a bit of effort.....  Well worth it.

Whu cant you dpeak factually ????

detgator     Who are you directing your question to, and what new language are you using here?

I think the focus, when it comes to intercultural relationships, should not be on the novelty of it, but on bigger issue of whether these relationships last, on whether they are successful unions. I think the more successful ones are those where the couple have many things in common, especially in their beliefs, character, and personality, such that they overshadow their differences in cultural backgrounds.

Before we met, my American husband dated a Filipino nurse. Cultural difference was not a factor why they stopped dating. They were in the same age bracket, but they were at a different stages in their life. She was a single mom with a 1-year old child, whom she sometimes brought along during their dates. He said their dates felt “weird” because sometimes the baby would interrupt their conversation when he cried. He felt he was not ready to commit to the responsibility of being a dad.

I myself used to date a Filipino guy. He was such a pompous cheapskate, so full of himself that he didn't really listen to what I was saying. Being Filipino was the only thing we had in common. I stopped dating him.

On the other hand, my husband and I had a lot in common when we first met. Same age and salary bracket, unattached, no kids, at a stage where we were looking out for the right person we can be with, hopefully for the rest of our lives, and perhaps start a family. Both introverted Gen-Xers, we watched the same shows when we were kids, into New Wave / 80's music, MTV, pop idols, bands, video games and movies. Though he was Episcopalian and I, Catholic, we had same core beliefs.

We are both lucky that our families have been very supportive. After we got married, we both agreed to delay having kids, so we can enjoy us, be tourists in our city of San Francisco, take dancing classes, have fun. Of course we had problems and challenges like any couple do, but we stood by each other through thick and thin.

I guess having built a strong bond helped make our relationship successful. I don't think our cultural differences was a factor at all.  We have been together for 16 years. And I know of other intercultural marriages that are successful because the couple have built on what they have in common.

Anecdotes? Hmmnn. Be prepared to eat lots of rice. Filipinos like to eat rice – breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. Even desserts are made of rice. There's even a joke about it. Why is Daly City always so foggy? It's because of Filipinos cooking rice.

samangelevski wrote:

I will like to talk about this topic, but find it at no use, why? because someone will remove my topic here, if it is  honest and truthful topic it will be removed, but if I talk about all how great things are then it will stay, this are double standards, I will say only if good for one good for all,

It will be removed if it's racially offensive and discriminatory. Do not generalize that whatever negative opinions you have about a few will apply to most, if not all, Filipinos. I think if you write in a manner that is not insulting, your post will not be removed.

I smile when I ask my wife what she chooses about things because she will always say what she knows I'll like. Think its great because of no arguments or "told u so" but wait to find out that things are not what you want and no one to blame but yourself !        From my expat meetings it is obvious that we marry beneath us and do not take that unkindly please.  If we want a "meaningful conversation" you have to do without and wait for that expat meetup next week, sometimes its not important but the difference when retiring here is that you are with your wife 24/7 and life can become an island. Sometimes meeting a sales assistant who is very kind (purposeful) I find myself a real chatterbox and later feel foolish.                                                                                               The last aspect of retiring here is to do with Libido and the effect on your relationship abroad is easy to cope with BUT here in the Philippines your are surrounded by young attractive ladies looking at you for a date ...even with your wife present? I find the situation effects my daily  thoughts. My manner and behavior changes to being easily irritable and argumentative over silly things in daily life with me realizing it and having to  make an effort to be "Nice". 
My ordinary nature is a friendly one and its very easy to fraternize with ladies we meet in the town without realizing it and I find it upsets my wife so must be careful.
We have lived here for 11 years and been married for 15 years.

Peter Clark wrote:

I smile when I ask my wife what she chooses about things because she will always say what she knows I'll like. Think its great because of no arguments or "told u so" but wait to find out that things are not what you want and no one to blame but yourself !        From my expat meetings it is obvious that we marry beneath us and do not take that unkindly please.  If we want a "meaningful conversation" you have to do without and wait for that expat meetup next week, sometimes its not important but the difference when retiring here is that you are with your wife 24/7 and life can become an island. Sometimes meeting a sales assistant who is very kind (purposeful) I find myself a real chatterbox and later feel foolish.                                                                                               The last aspect of retiring here is to do with Libido and the effect on your relationship abroad is easy to cope with BUT here in the Philippines your are surrounded by young attractive ladies looking at you for a date ...even with your wife present? I find the situation effects my daily  thoughts. My manner and behavior changes to being easily irritable and argumentative over silly things in daily life with me realizing it and having to  make an effort to be "Nice". 
My ordinary nature is a friendly one and its very easy to fraternize with ladies we meet in the town without realizing it and I find it upsets my wife so must be careful.
We have lived here for 11 years and been married for 15 years.

An interesting observation from my perhaps many others perspectives. You appear to see the follies outlined with mature perception, Hope I can do the same and prosper.

Cheers, Steve.

Im glad it is working out well for you! and Kudos to your wife for wanting to continue as a teacher!

Not sure I understand the comment from "expatsteve48" regarding it being unacceptable for his wife to be working full time. I have been married now almost 13 years to a Filipina and both of us have been working full time ,sometimes more than one job. All of the Filipinas I know who are married to foreignerss work (WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THOSE ALREADY RETIRED) and I have never heard or seen a sense of shame attached to this.

Morgacj, you are kidding me right? I know lots of foreigners here too, and I do not see not even one of their Wives working, in fact they do not want to work or they just simply do not like it, this in fact is Philippine culture not to work, so not point in saying everyone likes or works here, i guess they enjoy what they get from foreigners, good life and well looked after, shame cannot be said for Filipino Husband.

Most of the time it is the foreign husband asking his Filipina wife not to work ... which is a big mistake except, of course if his wife was a bar-girl...

Morgacj2004 wrote:

Not sure I understand the comment from "expatsteve48" regarding it being unacceptable for his wife to be working full time. I have been married now almost 13 years to a Filipina and both of us have been working full time ,sometimes more than one job. All of the Filipinas I know who are married to foreignerss work (WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THOSE ALREADY RETIRED) and I have never heard or seen a sense of shame attached to this.

I think what expatsteve is saying is that his marriage is up in the air. When expatsteve met his wife, she was working full time as a school teacher. And she still does up to now (perhaps from expatsteve's urgings). But the family does not look at this kindly. They were expecting that once they get married, his wife will quit her job, and expatsteve will support her and her relatives financially.

Expatsteve wants to keep it real. As a result, the wife is now shamed by the family for not fulfilling their expectations, that she has not  acquiesced to a relationship of dependence to her and to her husband by her relatives. Expatsteve now wonders whether the reason why they're still together is because the wife still loves him, or is it because a divorce would be even much more embarrassing for her. But for sure, they're together because of their daughter.

----
Expatsteve said, "She [the wife]'s been working full-time since we met (elementary teacher) and I've learned that's unacceptable in her culture." I truly believe that in that statement, "culture" should be replaced with "family."  If I had a slacker attitude and behavior, my parents would be the first ones to tell me to stop being lazy and work because they don't want to give my husband the impression that Filipinos are lazy.

Well, they don't need to do that. The reason why we moved to the Philippines back in 2008 was because  I  needed to work, I want to work. I lost my well-paying job in SF back in 2007. In 2008, the prospect of finding an 8-hour job that would make the cost of 10-hour daycare worth working for was nil. So we moved.

So far, things have worked out here in the Philippines. I am at work 6 days a week, Monday through Saturday (at least 60 hours / week), as compared to 5 days back in the US.  But that's absolutely okay. We've given up on hiring a maid. My husband and I do our fair share of chores, like we did back in the US. On Sundays, I still do a lot of cleaning and ironing. I need to because we have a big house. 1-2 hours doing chores in the morning on weekdays and Saturdays is just not enough.

I agree with you Filamericanmom, it is not culture but the behavior of some families.

I always tell the foreign husbands keep your wives busy with their jobs ! They will earn money and give a part to their families instead of asking to their husbands who will complain in a forum like this one about culture 

As retirees here and with younger wives with a working background to support the home family we should expect to pay the family what the wife earned prior to marriage, that is if we want to be with them 24/7.  Adapting to 24/7 with your wife needs some work for it to be harmonious. Remember reading a forum article of a German expat who bought an inflatable bouncing castle and took it to fiesta and such like. His comment was "Gets me away from the wife for a while". I can understand that.

I just like to ask, what will happen when a Husband say no to Wife, every time she is asking for money to help others, family or friends, Filipinos help is always about money,
they don't know any other form of help

@Sam You don't know the concept of bayanihan ? It is not about money!  Are you living in the Philippines?

I do not need to know the concept of ripping off people, all I am saying is what other thousend are thinking, and if you think it is not about money, let other say the same as you, but I can tell you no one shares your views

From our experience, when the goose stops laying the golden egg, all friendship ends.  A good idea is to work out what the budget will take and make it the regular payment, no more. .. at least it stops the begging phone calls and knocks on the door.

It's an unspoken truth here that you have to benefit your Filipino family in a financial sense.  I took every possible precaution against that, and explained to in-laws and wife that it devalues the relationship.  They accept it, but they would be MUCH happier if I was "a good man, very generous"...as they say here.

So true, Peter...and it hurts....foreigners actually have feelings. haha

I'm a bit aloof, but managed to bond with a Filipino family after almost 8 years here.  They own an eatery/boarding house and I'm friends with the son.  Dude is basically a genius and always inventing mechanical tools.  I sit with him and drink a beer, and give him some real world consulting, but he teaches me so much more.  Good times and bad times....but real friends.  And if I tried to give him money, he would probably punch me in the face. lol

It's very hard to get past the money thing, and I haven't managed to do that with my relatives, but once you do get past that with Filipinos, it's golden.  I jokingly ask my friend if his sister likes me, so we can all be family, but he says they are too good for a guy like me....lol.  I can take that.

A vast majority of people here honestly believe all foreigners fart money and are walking talking ATM's.
If you want to fit that stereotype that's up to you  but take note of Mr. Clarks comment about the goose and the egg.

Hey goelefrench...didn't I see you on the MMA forum?  If so. hello.  We're all just humans here trying to find our place in life.  ***, but I believe we all have the same goal in life...happiness.

Hi Silvercobra.....you're right...Filipinos are the sweetest people on the earth, if you're taking care of them.  if not...lookout!  lol  But It seems like most foreigners go for low-hanging fruit and create most of their problems.  I've probably given $200 total to my in-laws in 8 years here.  But I didn't pluck one out of the jungle and pretend it was real. 

I'm no sage counsel but when dating Filipinas, look for one that is single, no kids, small family, college educated, good career, etc.  Most of us screw it up when we come here by choosing the youngest, hottest chick that will have us....and then bitch about how troublesome she is. lol 

My marriage is far from perfect, and I might even be single soon, but everyone that meets us says the same thing.....that we actually have a real marriage.  They are baffled, because being Filipino they think the worst, and they want to consider my wife an unsuccessful gold-digger.

Like I implied, when you married your wife you "married the Baranguy" means all family is expected to share.  That is the culture, you are not playing by the rules shaming your wife in the eyes of her family...

If you look around you will see many extended families supported by one or two earners.  The family will ensure someone goes to college if possible (like maybe your wifes's)  so that the graduate can then help support the extended family.  Others will sell themselves into slavery by going OFW.  You are living in a country with greater than 50% unemployment not the governments official 15 or so percent.  Buddy, if she is typical of her culture, her loyalty to her family is close to on parr with her loyalty to the marriage. 
As in this case i am only able to base my postulate on probabilities, as i lack specifics or much contextualization.  If this does not apply to you maybe it may help someone else.  At the very least your wife is viewed by her family as an ungrateful traitor.    That they had pinned their hopes, efforts, and resources on her education so she could be successful and be a help to them.

Your marraige may seem ok to others if you are some semblance of faithful, do not beat her, care for the younguns', and do not get drunk to much.

I am too married to Filipina, I come from different culture and I know they have their own too, I respect that but I need them to respect my culture, it is two way street, I made this very clear from day one, yes I live here for last 3 years, in lows are only 5 minutes from us, we live independent life from all of her family, we have and made own rules in the house, what can happen and what must never happen, we deal with life day by day, it is never easy and yes we have few own problems but they make us stronger in relationship, I respect all the family no matter who they are, one day her sister ask me what I do for family, I said you kidding me right. then I said to her my door is always open for family, I will offer them drink and food, and if they need bad to sleep they welcome applies to Mom and Dad only, this is all I will offer and I said if you expect money then sorry your sister married a wrong guy, I am not a bank not will I ever be, I started with nothing in my life and I have build my self, and every one needs to do the same, I never heard of her again that was it, she will not talk to me or to her sister, I believe I am her problem but the rest of family are great with me, but this are not poor family's, they have rice farms they have houses, shops they all have new cars, yet sister wants more, life was never meant to be easy, life is what you make of it..

***To make it short, when a family, a barangay, etc. are in time of crisis, there is a spontaneous solidarity among members of the community impacted by the crisis. Every member will share at his own level, with food, with money if they have, etc. The crisis can a natural disaster but at the level of the family it can be a very expensive hospitalization for example.
For an American, an Australian or European it can be culture shock of course as we are raised in an individualistic way of life. My success is my success for an American but for a Filipino my success is the success of the entire family. In this aspect a successful Filipino will have to help his siblings to make them successful also.
Well when a foreigner gets married to a Filipina he will be integrated in a way to the banahiyan system like any other Filipino spouse. Knowing that, the foreigner can either complain about it or talk about it with his wife . The Filipina wife is the one in control of the finances in a couple, and she will block all the requests for money from her relatives except in real crisis.

Old American saying is,
When in Rome, Do as a Roman Does.

Geolefrench.....EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are GUESTS, we must behave as such.  THIS is the home of the Philippinoes.  Not anyone else.  If you want to retain your culture,,,,,,,,,GO HOME..............

We have started businesses that are well mantained by family members and have paid the initial investments.  We have loaned for businesses and major emergencies. 

Their help to us has enabled our dream home on the beach.  The property was found and the price negotiated by the family,  The price was dirt cheap, the government hurdles all handled by various family members, ah, life on a hammock with the sound of the surf and the coolness of the trade winds. And the ability to travel as we please......  Oh, and thanks the the new neighbors we employed in building a sailboat as well......

Due to my wifes excellent efforts the family is prospering, it has cost us nothing, the returns have been astounding.

If you worship money, you become like money, cold, heartless.......

What can you say
to a refugee from Botany Bay???????


We understand the weaknesses of our cultures and the strengths of others, it is called fusion taking what is best from both to make this world a bit better...............

Perhaps this conversation is getting a little heated, so maybe we can calm down a little please and take care not to insult other posters.

LemSaDipolog  excellent post "when in Rome...."  If you marry a Filipina then you have taken on the potential responsibility of helping out her family. It's that simple. If you don't like it don't marry a Filipina. There are plenty of other countries out there to choose from.  I have been married now 13 years  to a Filipina and we are very happy. I make decent money so I help her nieces and nephews in Cebu City. We put one thru HS and now college.  My wife also works and helps out in this effort. I have no ill will and get along great with her family. They are respectful and don't squander the money given to them. As far as the foreigners who come here and bitch about having to give money to the in laws I have zero respect for you.   As Lem said if you worship money you become like money cold, heartless.... And to Samangelevski you really need to think before you post. You are making a lot of enemies with your statements.!

The world is full of people with different ideas and values.
Because their opinions are different should only make them an enemy to someone who has a narrow mind and can't accept those who don't toe their own personal line.
This is a free country with free speech.
Please remember that before you brand someone racist. It's such an ugly word.