Expat Just Bought House, Young Wife Possible Problem

W9XR wrote:

Without regard to political correctness, I will delve into a taboo subject which has been avoided because there are some on this forum that it resembles.

The three most important things in a relationship/marriage succeeding are Culture, Language and Borders.

What chance of success for the long term, practically nil unless both parties accept the outcome in the future.

A good deal is when both parties are happy with the arrangement. In the beginning both parties are happy.

"HE"  gets a young, hot, sex toy or slave, submissive  woman.

"SHE"  gets security for herself and family.

"HE" is lovesick and goes to lonely hearts websites that cater to his dreams.

"SHE" lists herself on these websites trolling for a ? ? ? she can reel in.

(What are the motives for "HE" and what are the motives for "SHE")

This May/December relationship is wonderful in the beginning and starts drifting apart shortly there after and this is confirmed by many studies without the handicap of a different Culture, Language and Border. 

It's only a matter of time, if it gets this far, that she becomes a caregiver. Once one or the other or both realize this relationship is in the shambles, both try to cover their rear ends, except it's too late for him.

Winners & losers, she the winner and he the loser. What makes him the loser, because he will hang on beyond common sense.

I never heard of an educated successful Expat meeting an educated successful Filipina on a lonely hearts website, unless she is fishing for a green card and a trip to the states.

Absolutely spot on post W9XR. You hit the nail on the head. In most of these relationships the differences in Socio-Economic backgrounds are huge, leading to so many potential traps. First the Economic part which creates the opportunity for these May-December relationships in the first place. Different personal priorities, and opportunities for hidden motivations (financial security, green card, etc). Yet there are also honest cultural reasons many younger Filipinas might prefer an older mature man (stability, maturity, etc).

That gets to the cultural and language differences you mentioned, which I think are just as important (and ones that I frequently struggle with myself). Ways of dealing with conflict, truth, saving face, even the acceptance of larger age gaps. These societal differences can and often lead to misunderstandings in and of themselves, and can make sorting out the hidden motivations even more difficult. Ultimately, even under the best circumstances it can be hard to know what the true motivation and feelings really are, because both parties are coming from such a different realm of understanding and priorities.

"What makes him the loser, because he will hang on beyond common sense."

Unfortunately that last part is often true.. It is so easy to look from the outside and see what should be obvious from the inside, but frequently isn't..

moonunit0103 wrote:

Lat61 wrote:

moonunit0103 wrote:

Told him he could bunk out at my house if he needed, but he needs to figure it out for himself, it seems.

I know it can be boring under quarantine. But to invite drama into your own house would be a bridge to far for me.

If hotels were open, I wouldn't have made the offer.  I feel sad for him, since my wife and I are inseparable and really enjoy each other.  I cannot imagine being in his situation.

You´re kind and a good man...

moonunit0103 wrote:

He said he couldn't leave his apartment because his wife said he would be arrested if he did.  He also said that his wife told him his debit card did not work at an ATM machine!!!

Your neighbor should try to clarify with his wife what she meant when she said "his debit card did not work at an ATM machine" because there are times when a debit card really does not work.

During the enhanced community quarantine (ECQ), a lot of ATM machines were not operable or were available only on certain days.  Sometimes, there would be a piece of paper or cardboard in front that says "Under Maintenance" (which is the umbrella term for "broken", "no power", and "no cash") . Not all branches were open, and the ones that were open had shorter hours.

In the first week of ECQ, I went to BDO to deposit a check from another bank. But they did not accept it. Bank manager said they could not process interbank transactions at that time due to the ECQ.  Is your neighbor's ATM account with a US-based bank? Or is it with a local bank?  Perhaps the card really did not work due to limited banking services here in the Philippines and in other countries during lockdowns.

How fluent in English is your neighbor's wife? Sometimes, Filipinos who are not fluent in English would avoid explaining something in English because it's hard for them, and also frustrating for them when something they tried hard to explain ends up as not being understood. So she might say "ATM card does not work" or "no money on ATM" which in turn can get misinterpreted.

If I were your neighbor, I would open an ATM account for her with just PhP10,000 balance. Have her use that for buying groceries or withdrawing cash. Then when the balance is almost down to PhP2,000, I would replenish it by doing a transfer from another account which only I have access.

as FAM said above there are a lot of ATM's not working or working properly! Just today I had one tell me Temporarily unable to perform transaction! Machine next to it worked fine except it wouldn't function for a different card lol
These problems have been ongoing for a couple weeks now! I would try using it at a 7-11 or?? and see if that works before deciding ATM or money is a problem! I have always been able to use at a point of sale register

Hi lasvegan..... This is nothing new in the Philippines. There are many times the atm's don't work even before this pandemic. Living in the Philippines is like going back in time 30 years. They love in a bubble.i live half the year in Cebu and the other half I go back to U.S.

Told us back in March that I could not deposit a check from my USA account into my wife's BDO account because there is no courier service.  Instead we used Western Union, paid a dollar less, and got the cash in US dollars in one week instead of waiting a month.  Also used Western Union to transfer money between US accounts, transferred $2,000 and the service charge was $.99, took 8 days.

Just be careful when using your ATM cards!

https://travelscams.org/asia/philippine … ilippines/

I have been using Transfer Wise to move money, now that I have a BDO account.  Was thinking of getting a Dollar account, but do not see the need at this point.

moonunit0103 wrote:

I have been using Transfer Wise to move money, now that I have a BDO account.  Was thinking of getting a Dollar account, but do not see the need at this point.

Same for me, using Transfer Wise moving dollars from the states to Peso account at BDO within hours.

We also have a dollar account at BDO but wasn't able to transfer Dollar to Dollar using Transfer Wise.

When I first came to the PH I use to write a check from a Stateside Dollar Account to BDO Dollar Account. It took 20+ days to be accredited, but cleared my bank in the states in one day.

Wanted to give an update on my neighbor. His wife finally let him leave the apartment and go to the house.  She forbid him from moving there before the Priest blessed the house.  Monday they had the blessing, and they had lechon and several other dishes.  They had not moved out of the apartment, so he was unsure where he was staying.

The next morning, he messaged me that they spent the night in the house.  He also said that 8 people slept in the bedroom with them!!!

Yesterday I moved 3 loads of stuff out of the apartment, and was it a shithole. They found a mouse nest with baby mice among their things.  But, according to him, it was a deal, only ₱7000/month.  The lavatory had fallen off the wall, so it sat atop a chair that did not have a bottom. 

I went home and immediately showered and put on fresh clothes.  Not crazy about vermin.

8 people! He must have A/C running in the bedroom. I am sure he invited all of them over to sleep there. LOL.
The wife sounds like a tiger wife. Roar!

Jackson4 wrote:

8 people! He must have A/C running in the bedroom. I am sure he invited all of them over to sleep there. LOL.
The wife sounds like a tiger wife. Roar!

These visitors live in Nipa huts, so the AC isn't a big deal.  There was plenty of room elsewhere.

He bought her a Mio scooter, and she is always out running errands.  I think she has a BF on the side, because he told me he hasn't gotten laid since he arrived in December.  And, she has his Debit Card.

A neighbor two doors up from their house told my mother in law  they could hear her yelling at him.

She is a real piece of work.  He could have found a woman with BPD in the US.  He did not have to travel halfway around the world to be this miserable.

moonunit0103 wrote:

Not crazy about vermin.

Agreed...Me neither!

Jackson4 wrote:

The wife sounds like a tiger wife. Roar!

Sounds more like a Tasmanian Devil.

W9XR wrote:

Jackson4 wrote:

The wife sounds like a tiger wife. Roar!

Sounds more like a Tasmanian Devil.

Hahaha funny.. but yeah.. what a nightmare. On every level.

Popcorn time for us.

I feel so sorry for the neighbor.

A foreigner wanting to have a relationship with a Filipino should really know the Filipino's family, especially the ones living with him / her. He / she should have a feel for what they are like, i.e. attitude, personality, morals, work ethic, etc., and not just what they have, or financial / social status.

Often, the apple does not fall far from the tree. So, take a look at the other apples and the tree. It might be easy to hide who one is to make a good impression. But for ,the entire family to mask who they are, would take a lot of effort and restraint. The foreigner should take his / her time and get to know them.

There was one time, while I was having lunch at Mang Inasal at SM Fairview, I saw a long line at Sambokojin (a Korean / Japanese buffet place). At the front was an elderly foreigner and a young Filipino woman. I counted 21 other adults and 5 children, probably the woman's relatives. The foreigner looked like he was perplexed because he probably just realized that the price for the Sambokojin buffet was 900 pesos per person. Maybe he felt stressed, awkward and pressured. (The bill would amount to 25k pesos if they ate there.)

I really felt like approaching them and telling woman's family, "Shame on you all for taking advantage of a senior citizen! If you want to eat out, there's a Mang Inasal right across with unlimited rice." I also felt like telling the foreigner, "Cut your losses. Run! (or maybe just walk away because you might get a heart attack.)"

I don't go to Sambokojin, except when it's either my or my husband's birthday, or to treat important clients. 900 pesos / person is pricey for me. But they have a promo where birthday boy / girl gets to eat there for free if they're accompanied by a full-paying customer. 450 pesos per person sounds reasonable for an all-you-can-eat buffet. So, my husband and I go there, just the two of us, for lunch on our birthdays.

The family is from the province, living in a Nipa hut with 8 kids growing up.  Dirt floor from what I am told.  A sister is married and living in Northern AZ.  Have chatted with him, nice guy, very happy.

My Filipina wife thinks he is a walking ATM card, nothing else.  But, until he puts his foot down and tells her NO, the behavior will continue.

Changing the locks to the gates after getting the Debit Card back might change her attitude.  And, chaining and padlocking her Mio would stop the gallivanting.  Her BF may not like it, though!!!

Fil-Am Mom wrote:

I don't go to Sambokojin, except when it's either my or my husband's birthday, or to treat important clients. 900 pesos / person is pricey for me. But they have a promo where birthday boy / girl gets to eat there for free if they're accompanied by a full-paying customer. 450 pesos per person sounds reasonable for an all-you-can-eat buffet. So, my husband and I go there, just the two of us, for lunch on our birthdays.

Yes I also went to Sambokojin there on a special occasion, it was so unremarkable, I forgot what the occasion was.

I would never pay to go there again, even if it's my birthday and I eat free. I tried to find something that would appeal to my American taste, anything. I had some type of beef that was like slivers of beef mostly fat and scalloped potatoes  that were completely raw.

Even the drink were awful, they called it Lemonade, one sip was enough for me and the service was awful too.

A caveat to be fair, living in Las Vegas for 13 years, I have hundreds of buffets under my belt. Most had five distinctive offerings: Mongolian, American, Italian, Mexican & Asian. Mounds of Shrimp, Prime Rib and some of the better ones King Crab Legs. Some buffets even have ethnic specially nights.

The lawyer who interviewed Aida and myself  for my ACR-1 card, had vacationed in Las Vegas.

My mailbox was always full of buy one, get one coupons. Actually in the states it's called 2/1 or bogo.
Average price during the week (Sunday thru Thursday) $12.95 total for Aida & myself, weekends more expensive.  It was cheaper to eat out than at home and not much more than fast food.

The Aliante Casino has Lechon on Tuesday nights. Also the California & Gold Coast Casino has a large Asian following with several Asian restaurants.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Vegas has Jollibees, Chow King & Red Ribbon.

Neighbor came by, said wife went to have electric and water bills changed to their name, but it is a Federal Holiday and those offices are closed today.......

I think she is probably visiting the BF.

moonunit0103 wrote:

Neighbor came by, said wife went to have electric and water bills changed to their name, but it is a Federal Holiday and those offices are closed today.......

I think she is probably visiting the BF.

June 12th is Independence Day in the Philippines, all Tasmanian Devils know that. Maybe she thought it's Independence Day from you Spouse.

The used Shantui showroom remains open even on public holidays...brisk sales expected... especially the sd22 model.

Update:. Neighbor came over yesterday and said his wife had been stealing his money and was loan-sharking to folks.  He said they had a row and he got his debit card back.  Today, she left from noon to 6pm to "go to the market", which is 10 minutes away.

He is not listening to common sense.  Maybe getting hit between the eyes with a 2x4 might awaken him up.

moonunit0103 wrote:

no loving since he came back in December.

Poor chap....thats far too long!!!... >6months....I think his wiring needs to be checked!

moonunit0103 wrote:

Update:. Neighbor came over yesterday and said his wife had been stealing his money and was loan-sharking to folks.  He said they had a row and he got his debit card back.  Today, she left from noon to 6pm to "go to the market", which is 10 minutes away.

He is not listening to common sense.  Maybe getting hit between the eyes with a 2x4 might awaken him up.

Well, he just got back his debit card... Next would be to put a dividing wall at the middle of the house
so he can live in one of them. If he discovers she got a boyfriend he can also now look for a new girlfriend or seek marriage annulment by virtue of a Tasmanian Devil´s insanity...

robal

Man, I wouldn´t want to be in his shoes! Why in the world women are so problematic for men these days. But it appears that men has always been punished since the beginning of time.

robal wrote:

Man, I wouldn´t want to be in his shoes! Why in the world women are so problematic for men these days. But it appears that men has always been punished since the beginning of time.

I'll ask my wife about your theory.😂

moonunit0103 wrote:

He is not listening to common sense.  Maybe getting hit between the eyes with a 2x4 might awaken him up.

Why ruin a perfectly good 2x4?

There are so many Expat videos on You Tube. Sometime back I saw a video about an Expat that had completely run out of money and was living on the streets.  He didn't have enough money to return to the states.

This neighbor of yours has had such a beat down that he is a permanently beyond reality. He slipped into this condition some time ago after he realized as an intelligent man that this one foolish mistake  has cost him everything he worked his whole life for. His life is over with no time left to rebuild.

While I'm not into soapies this one has my interest with it's relevance to the forum,,,,, all it embodies, learning also but I have to wonder how this 60? 70? 80 Y/O survived to achieve his age with a few bob in in the bank, could be gullible enough to build a house and open his savings/life to a newbie with no protection. As suggested how did he survive his own country let alone plunge into shark infested waters with blinkers on?
My better half is well aware of my protectionism and how we practice it and has not upgraded his iPhone 7 since he brought it 3 years ago. He knows we live well but don't waste money, something that is not to be squandered by the unwary nor the wary. (BTW he sees that my iPhone 6 is still working after 4+ years and also knows it will not be replaced until it burns in hell) My better half learnt many years ago and that came from a strong human being that will not waste money and won't stand for B/S.
I can only say he (your friend) has himself to blame for falling into the traps offered up by opportunistic Filipino people and I am sure this happens more times than reported,,,,,,,,, pride.

I also apologise as it is not only the Filipino people but all countries scammers that take advantage of the unwary, whether the second head, a business decision and the list goes on.

Cheers, Steve.

moonunit0103 wrote:

Update:. Neighbor came over yesterday and said his wife had been stealing his money and was loan-sharking to folks.  He said they had a row and he got his debit card back.  Today, she left from noon to 6pm
He is not listening to common sense.  Maybe getting hit between the eyes with a 2x4 might awaken him up.

I think when one feels alone and isolated, he / she has the tendency to develop feelings of helplessness, or even depression, and might accept things as they are no matter how dire they might be. But if he / she finds someone to talk to, have a friend, especially when they can find many things in common, he / she might feel less and less alone and isolated. And eventually, he might wake up and say he's had enough.

Your neighbor might be feeling lost in the company of people with whom he doesn't have anything in common. But I think your befriending your neighbor and talking to him has helped him. It looks like he's improving.

In your earlier posts, you mentioned that the wife had the debit card. Now, your neighbor has the card back. Before, he was in a situation where he slept on the floor, and just accepting it. Now, he's having a row with the wife.

Continue being his friend. Talk about the things back home. Make him some homemade biscuits,  meatloaf or some other comfort food. Talk about football. Continue helping him not feel alone.

I don't think you should pressure him (or as you said hit him with a 2x4). Little taps in the right direction, and encouragement for times when he stands up for himself, would be better.

I really do hope, with your help, he will wake up and take control of his wife and his life.

moonunit0103 wrote:

He is not listening to common sense.  Maybe getting hit between the eyes with a 2x4 might awaken him up.

This seems to be a problem among seniors not listening to common sense. All the 2x4's in the lumber yard will not make any difference.

Seniors get scammed more than any other portion of society. For example some seniors had dozens of prescriptions to reader digest trying to win some sweepstakes, discovered by their children. Another example was Publisher Clearing House, seniors sent in one entry and they get a letter saying they are in a selected group, they reply, another letter, it repeats over and over and now they are buying multiple subscriptions believing  they have a better chance of winning and are on the doorstep of being the winner.

This condition is known as "damaged ventromedial prefrontal cortex". It's part of the brain that controls belief and doubt. Better known as age associated financial vulnerability.

This is common and starts at the age of 60, it's not caused by any accident, but by the process of aging. Also to note they have this condition because of the location in the brain, not withstanding it does not affect their overall intelligence. In making decisions they tend to believe the last person they talked to.

They could be a the smartest person in the Philippines and yet still have this condition.

Now I'm not the smartest man in the Philippines, but this seems to be a pronounced trend among seniors, so I Googled my information and presented it to you in the Cliff Notes version. (Do you remember Cliff Notes when you were in college?)

Enzyte Bob

Fil-Am Mom wrote:

moonunit0103 wrote:

Update:. Neighbor came over yesterday and said his wife had been stealing his money and was loan-sharking to folks.  He said they had a row and he got his debit card back.  Today, she left from noon to 6pm
He is not listening to common sense.  Maybe getting hit between the eyes with a 2x4 might awaken him up.

I think when one feels alone and isolated, he / she has the tendency to develop feelings of helplessness, or even depression, and might accept things as they are no matter how dire they might be. But if he / she finds someone to talk to, have a friend, especially when they can find many things in common, he / she might feel less and less alone and isolated. And eventually, he might wake up and say he's had enough.

Your neighbor might be feeling lost in the company of people with whom he doesn't have anything in common. But I think your befriending your neighbor and talking to him has helped him. It looks like he's improving.

In your earlier posts, you mentioned that the wife had the debit card. Now, your neighbor has the card back. Before, he was in a situation where he slept on the floor, and just accepting it. Now, he's having a row with the wife.

Continue being his friend. Talk about the things back home. Make him some homemade biscuits,  meatloaf or some other comfort food. Talk about football. Continue helping him not feel alone.

I don't think you should pressure him (or as you said hit him with a 2x4). Little taps in the right direction, and encouragement for times when he stands up for himself, would be better.

I really do hope, with your help, he will wake up and take control of his wife and his life.

Awesome! I find this to be true always and one reason I maintain a large base of friends! I see some of them daily and try never to be isolated!

If any of you are in my area and find yourself in need of connecting with someone I'm always available for that! Coffee at Fairview Terraces is nice way to get good again and make new friends! ......Just saying!

Enzyte Bob wrote:

This is common and starts at the age of 60, it's not caused by any accident, but by the process of aging. Also to note they have this condition because of the location in the brain, not withstanding it does not affect their overall intelligence. In making decisions they tend to believe the last person they talked to.

Enzyte Bob

Sounds like the condition of a certain 74 year old in Washington, DC.

mugtech wrote:

Enzyte Bob wrote:

This is common and starts at the age of 60, it's not caused by any accident, but by the process of aging. Also to note they have this condition because of the location in the brain, not withstanding it does not affect their overall intelligence. In making decisions they tend to believe the last person they talked to.

Enzyte Bob

Sounds like the condition of a certain 74 year old in Washington, DC.

Actually in the US Senate 48% of them are 65 or older. That's the real meaning of Assisted Living. Duh

An update: my neighbor asked for help to find someone to follow his wife, and my wife found someone who followed her to a pharmacy, then to a boarding house, where she stayed for a couple of hours.  Next day, back to boarding house, photos taken.

Any time she took off, he would come visit and repeat the BS lies that his wife was going to the gym, nail salon, merchado, etc.  A 21 year old cousin of my wife has been staying with us, and he started getting friendly with her, which I tried to discourage. 

Neighbor went to lawyer about his rights, then he decided to stay with her anyway.  I told him he needed to find a new friend, and ignored him on FB.

My wife said her cousin and him were still talking, and told her that she shouldn't be communicating with a married man.

A little/lot disjointed update and personally I don't see the point continuing a gossip thread. The best thing your friend can do is get an out of town attorney, and finalise, lick his wounds, move on.
Consider his story as a lesson for the dummies out there as you put it and don't fall into the same trap.

OMO.

Cheers, Steve.

I found it interesting : )

Great that he actually has proof now.. not that it seems to matter.

It's more fun in the Philippines!