LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

I told my wife that her lingerie is much too tight and form fitting; really quite revealing.

She said, if I don't like it I should stop wearing it...

The real source of jetliner "air turbulence"

Something I'd do...

One way to stop starvation?

Oh my. Can this be true? Really?

I love animals... they're delicious!

Love him, or hate him, Elon Musk is quite a funny guy.                                                                                                           

His heartfelt tribute to my place of origin.

    Love him, or hate him, Elon Musk is quite a funny guy.                                                                                                           
His heartfelt tribute to my place of origin.
-@Aidan in HCMC

Does that make your native land "the butt of the joke"?

Yup, that's definitely me.

I'm aware everyone isn't a fan... 😉

FEET-ZA 😋

@OceanBeach92107

LOL!!!

(Hint: Terminator)

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing making a new drama movie, instead of another action film.

Arnold said, "How about a movie about the great composers?"

The others agreed that it was a great idea and they discussed who they were going to play.

"I'll be Beethoven," said Stallone.

"I'll be Mozart," said Jean-Claude.

"What about you, Arnold?" they asked.

Schwarzenegger replied, "Don't make me say it, guys...”

Good one, Johann Sebastian!

I like!

I think the cop who stopped me today might be suffering from dementia.

First thing he said to me was, "Do you know why I stopped you?"

@OceanBeach92107

Mozart and Beethoven are called into God's throne room.

Mozart is directed to sit to God's right side, Beethoven to God's left.

Mozart leans forward turns to his left and says to Beethoven, where is Bach?

God replies, "I am Bach."

A "vaccine" will soon be in the works.

Really...

Seems a lot of people are using the newly marketed weight loss drugs. I call them competitors in The Special Ozempics.

@OceanBeach92107

Oscar Levant: Whenever I feel the urge to exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

How is it that the Ottoman Empire lasted 5 centuries selling just that one furniture item?

If DEl is supposed to be so great, why do people get

mad and defensive when they're called a "DEI hire"?

Two young men walk into a bar and one of them sits next to a girl.

“Hello,” he says.

“Are you a lawyer?” asks the girl.

“What? No.”

“Then I’m not interested. You see, this is a lawyer bar, and the girls that come here either are lawyers or want to get with lawyers.”

And so the young man leaves, and his friend leaves with him, having encountered a similar situation.

The next day they say: “What the heck, we’re just going to return there and say that we’re lawyers. It’s not like we’ll have to give them a proof right away.”

And so they go to the bar and approach some girls, and they tell them they are lawyers.

Everything seems to be going fine, but then one of the young men looks around and sees that his friend is gone. He starts to search for him, and eventually finds him sitting in the bathroom, in a very low mood.

“What happened to you?” he asks.

“Oh, I just realized… I’ve only been a lawyer for half an hour, and already the only thing on my mind is how to screw someone.”

Maybe a smoke and an all-you-can-eat buffet after that? 😁😁😁

@AndyHCMC I was laughing b4 the punchline cuzz I saw it coming.

@Jlgarbutt I think with Whatsapp you can download the vid and reupload it. Not sure if there is a file limit or if possible here but just being able to save clips to your HD is pretty handy.

I went to the doctor about my hearing problem.

"Can you describe the symptoms?", he asked.

"Yeah. Homer is a fat lazy yellow guy and Marge is a skinny chick with tall blue hair"

    I went to the doctor about my hearing problem.
"Can you describe the symptoms?", he asked.
"Yeah. Homer is a fat lazy yellow guy and Marge is a skinny chick with tall blue hair"
   

    -@Aidan in HCMC

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign in the Emergency Room that reads "Stroke Patients Here" means something completely different from what I'd thought...

I've filed a patent for glass coffins. I'm not sure if it will catch on.

Remains to be seen.

Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. After 20 years you wish you had a club and a ****ing spade!!

Back in high school chemistry class, the teacher asked us to write a 1000 word essay on acid.

I couldn't finish it because my pen turned into a monkey and the floor melted.

    @AndyHCMC I was laughing b4 the punchline cuzz I saw it coming.
   

    -@Dannyroc3

Fortune tellers have crystal balls so they can so what's coming- True story

Granddaughter: Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?

Grandpa: I don't think so, darling. What makes you ask such a question?

Granddaughter: Well, mom says if you croak we're all going to Disneyland.

Those attempting to prepare passport photos for submission may appreciate this...

I'm so glad the Olympic Games are over. All those athletes droning on and on about the hours of training and the sacrifice. I mean what do they want, a medal or something?

I don't understand women.

My wife said, "I love you"

Why did she hit me when I replied, "I love me too"?

Women - They even get angry when you agree with them.

I got hit twice today - Once for the love thing, and again for agreeing when she said she was getting fat.

My GF kept complaining, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up”.

So I said, “That’s a good idea, we’ll cover more ground that way”

I told my GF that if she's going to make such a fuss about my OCD obsession with pointing out the location of exits, well then… there’s the door.

I remember when I was a child, the special presentation in my elementary school where a local policeman came to talk with us kids, warning us to never get into a car with a stranger.

Then I grew older, and I remember some of the first warnings about the dangers of connecting with strangers on the internet.

Nowadays, if I want to go somewhere, those in the know recommend that I get on the internet and arrange a GRAB or UBER or LYFT with a stranger...

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....We just couldn't see eye to eye.

Also, I found out she was seeing someone on the side.