Unable or unwilling to make simple decisions?

Suppobill wrote:

My question is, is this a Vietnamese woman thing, or just unique to my gf?

No, it's not a Vietnamese woman thing.  I know many, many women who ask, "What do you want to eat?"  before giving you a list of several restaurants you can choose from.  I also know many women who say, "I have a craving for ..." then tell you the names and locations of restaurants specialised on that dish.
The percentage of Vietnamese women who are passive about food is quite small comparing to the ones who never have any problem knowing what to eat.  Vietnamese women can be wishy washy about many things, but not food.

Is this unique to your gf?  I don't think so.  Women (from any country) who are not confident of their place in the relationship often hide their opinions, believing that deferring to the men is the same as telling him that he's important to her and/or she trusts his wisdom.  A bad practice really.

Don't eat for awhile, then she might choose something. The more you coddle, the more she delegates to you.

My situation is the opposite.  We only patronize eating establishments chosen by my wife.  That is a little less so in Hawaii, but 100% true in Vietnam.   We very rarely eat in Vietnamese restaurants in Hawaii unless we are with other couples, in part because a bowl of soup can cost over $10 and in part because my wife says she can make it better (and she can.  )  If your GF still insists that you choose, look for words like Quan XXX for restaurants, Bun xxx or My xxx or XXX Pho for noodles.  However this will unfortunately not lead you to some of the more uniquely Vietnamese foods.   I can barely speak three words of Vietnamese but it really doesn't take long to learn the names of different types of both shops and eating places.  Photocopy shops are particularly easy to recognize as the signs say PHOTOCOPY.      Imagine if you were in Thailand or Cambodia where they use Sanskrit based alphabets.

I forgot to mention don't expect to eat at a Quần áo but you may want to buy your GF a custom made áo dài. 

It's not about deferring the decision or just about restaurants. It's ALL minor things. Another example is when I stopped the motorbike to get a bug out of my helmet, a little boy was waving at us from across the street. I asked her to ask his father (standing next to him) if it was ok to take a picture with him. She understood what I was asking, but I literally had to push her across the street and tell her six times to ask him. She was frozen like someone afraid of heights standing on a precipice.

It's enough to make you wonder how she functions in daily life, but she owns a trucking company and is probably wealthier than me. This problem only seems to exist with me. Maybe I've taken her so far out of her comfort zone that she's just become completely overwhelmed? I am beginning to understand that Vietnamese are not accustomed to adventure!

Perhaps she is used to having everything done for her.

You could (perhaps) pulled the motorcycle over to ask the man the question. Your initiation of actions may (show) prompt her to be more engaged with her surrounding. Looks like you are driving solo with this lady.

Have you asked her why she is not engaged/decisive in public?

I know that for travel, my wife does not like to operate outside a certain comfort zone.  She is always exceptionally nervous about traveling on a road that she has never traveled before.   Mind you this is with her on the back of the bike.  If she were driving she would always take the long way around if that were the route she knew.  She gets comfortable with a new route only after two or three trips. 

One time while traveling to Cần Giờ island, I wanted to take the smaller ferry that crosses from Long An province instead of the big one that crosses from Nhà Bè district.  What looked like a nice straight paved numbered road on Google turned out to be a slick muddy single lane road covered with potholes filled with water.  Several times over some 8 km my wife insisted that we turn around and cancel the whole trip.  I was just thankful that we made it to the ferry terminal without dropping the bike in the mud or off the edge into the rice fields.  If that had happened, I never would have heard the end of that one.  Of course we went back on the big ferry.

Ciambella wrote:

Vietnamese women can be wishy washy about many things, but not food.

...

...believing that deferring to the men is the same as telling him that he's important to her and/or she trusts his wisdom.  A bad practice really.

Yes  this is my experience, anyone or anything that gets between my girlfiend and a platter of fresh seafood will be demolished.   

But often on other matters, she'll allow me the illusion of being in charge...

@Suppobill: just take command while you can and try to enjoy it! Better than being stuck with a domineering harpy!

Suppobill wrote:

I'm into a two week trip now with my VN gf, and am increasingly frustrated by her inability to make a decision when it comes to finding a restaurant or cafe. She says "you choose", but when we tried that, I took us once to a home that was hosting a funeral, another time to one that was hosting a wedding, and at least three motorbike shops.

You see the problem is, I CAN'T READ OR SPEAK VIETNAMESE! I've tried to explain this to her numerous times, but when I force her into a decision, she freezes like a deer in headlights. As a result, I have had to resort to Google Maps and just quit listening to her say "I don't know, baby" when we get there.

My question is, is this a Vietnamese woman thing, or just unique to my gf?

It's *possible* that in her mind, the question you are considering makes no sense.

*In my experience*, a couple of things many Vietnamese women *seem* to have in common is a general need (cultural 'obligation'?) to take care of the man, and a perpetual 'angst' about doing so correctly, without error.

(Side note: This does NOT describe my dear friend, Ciambella 😉)

The Vietnamese women who sends you a text asking "Have you eaten yet?" or "What are you doing?" is attempting to accomplish much more than simply getting a yes/no answer or a report regarding your daily itinerary.

So the question in her mind is likely something like, "What do you want to eat that will make you happy? or "How can I make you happy?" (or words to that effect).

If your conversation is so limited, her ideas are probably limited to different types of Vietnamese food.

So it might be helpful to learn which foods to suggest, telling her what you want to eat that will make you happy.

So if you turn to the task of deciding WHERE to eat, focus instead on WHAT to eat, making sure to let her know you will be happy if you find that food served somewhere.

If you tell her that seafood (or Korean BBQ or a beefsteak or whatever) will make you happy, then--since you are traveling--she will probably be able to find a restaurant without Google Maps.

One caution: because of the way you have described her, avoid having her ask a MAN (like a taxi driver) for ideas and directions.

The type of woman you are describing will feel obligated to *obey* what the man says without question.

If you get her to seek guidance from another woman, YOUR woman is much more likely to feel free to ask questions and choose a place that suits YOUR needs and desires.

All of this is based on my limited experience, so It won't surprise me if other forum members think my take is misinformed.

Good luck!

OceanBeach92107 wrote:

Suppobill wrote:

I'm into a two week trip now with my VN gf, and am increasingly frustrated by her inability to make a decision when it comes to finding a restaurant or cafe. She says "you choose", but when we tried that, I took us once to a home that was hosting a funeral, another time to one that was hosting a wedding, and at least three motorbike shops.

You see the problem is, I CAN'T READ OR SPEAK VIETNAMESE! I've tried to explain this to her numerous times, but when I force her into a decision, she freezes like a deer in headlights. As a result, I have had to resort to Google Maps and just quit listening to her say "I don't know, baby" when we get there.

My question is, is this a Vietnamese woman thing, or just unique to my gf?

It's *possible* that in her mind, the question you are considering makes no sense.

*In my experience*, a couple of things many Vietnamese women *seem* to have in common is a general need (cultural 'obligation'?) to take care of the man, and a perpetual 'angst' about doing so correctly, without error.

(Side note: This does NOT describe my dear friend, Ciambella 😉)

The Vietnamese women who sends you a text asking "Have you eaten yet?" or "What are you doing?" is attempting to accomplish much more than simply getting a yes/no answer or a report regarding your daily itinerary.

So the question in her mind is likely something like, "What do you want to eat that will make you happy? or "How can I make you happy?" (or words to that effect).

If your conversation is so limited, her ideas are probably limited to different types of Vietnamese food.

So it might be helpful to learn which foods to suggest, telling her what you want to eat that will make you happy.

So if you turn to the task of deciding WHERE to eat, focus instead on WHAT to eat, making sure to let her know you will be happy if you find that food served somewhere.

If you tell her that seafood (or Korean BBQ or a beefsteak or whatever) will make you happy, then--since you are traveling--she will probably be able to find a restaurant without Google Maps.

One caution: because of the way you have described her, avoid having her ask a MAN (like a taxi driver) for ideas and directions.

The type of woman you are describing will feel obligated to *obey* what the man says without question.

If you get her to seek guidance from another woman, YOUR woman is much more likely to feel free to ask questions and choose a place that suits YOUR needs and desires.

All of this is based on my limited experience, so It won't surprise me if other forum members think my take is misinformed.

Good luck!

Wow! I think you nailed it! She has said a number of time "baby, I think you cannot eat "xxx". What you're describing is exactly what I'm experiencing! Even the bit about talking to men. She's much more outgoing when talking to women, never shy to shout "em oi" when we need something, but always tells me to say it when our server is male. I never made the connection before! Thank you!

Suppobill wrote:

Wow! I think you nailed it! ... I never made the connection before! Thank you!

I just love an aha moment! 

Good job, gentlemen.