Expensive TET

AkaMaverick wrote:

Fortunately the first day is over.

At 8 in the morning we started visiting relatives.
Each time we eat and drink until just before bursting.
The ass hurts from sitting on the traditional wooden or stone benches.
And of course handed over many presents and around 8 million Dong lucky money (2 parents, 3 grandparents and a lot of children).

Tomorrow morning we will start the second round.

Afterwards and the following days waiting at home on the soft sofa for visits from relatives.
And again constantly eating, nibbling and drinking.
What else should I do since I can't talk due to lack of knowledge of Vietnamese. 

I give you credit, much better than I.  We never gave out more than 1 million in total and it was limited to immediate family only.  When we visited the extended family, we did not bring gifts, but we did bring food which is basically a few 100k.  I would sit with all the men, no women never, and we would drink beer and eat like forever.  I know some Vietnamese but not alot.  However, we had a good time and laughed all day and I really enjoyed it.  One time an uncle gave me the tour of his farm and he was proud.  It was amazing because they don't work and just have this large farm which is more than enough to maintain multiple families.  Try to learn some Vietnamese, drink lots of beer, get drunk and have fun, worked for me, even though I don't like beer.

We got here on Thursday so I am already going on four days in.  As stated an earlier post three days of hometown is my limit.  Still have a day to go, maybe go home Monday.

Still have more family and friends to go to see today.  Yesterday was continuous. Sit, drink, eat and smile. Move to next place.  Rinse and repeat.

SteinNebraska wrote:

Sit, drink, eat and smile.

Yesterday my wife left me alone with her father for about an hour (she visited without me the grandmother who talks bad about me).
The father-in-law spoke to me all the time and I smiled all the time and nodded in between. It was a very long hour.

Although it is difficult for me to learn foreign languages, I will start learning Vietnamese (a mix of internet research and help from my wife) in the near future.

AkaMaverick wrote:

The father-in-law spoke to me all the time and I smiled all the time and nodded in between. It was a very long hour.

Although it is difficult for me to learn foreign languages, I will start learning Vietnamese (a mix of internet research and help from my wife) in the near future.

That will change.  My father in law knows I don't understand a word he says.  I wake early, as does he.  We sit in the front veranda, he drinks tea, I drink a mountain dew (damn Pepsi for not importing diet Mt. Dew) and we don't say a word past hello.  It's no longer uncomfortable.

Good luck on the Vietnamese.  After a year I can order a beer and tell a girl she is pretty but that is about it but that is because I have been able to be lazy with a business partner during the day and wife at night that speak English.  And, we are going home in a year.

SteinNebraska wrote:

AkaMaverick wrote:

The father-in-law spoke to me all the time and I smiled all the time and nodded in between. It was a very long hour.

Although it is difficult for me to learn foreign languages, I will start learning Vietnamese (a mix of internet research and help from my wife) in the near future.

That will change.

I have been married for two and a half years and have known the family for about 3 years.
Nothing has changed, because both parents of my wife cannot keep quiet for a minute.

But the situation is not that bad, because after the marriage I made it clear early on that I don't want to sit at the rather intellectually undemanding smoker-men's table all the time where I don't understand anything anyway.
My wife passed this on, but of course not in this form.
Since then there are no longer separate tables for men and women (and children) at parties in the immediate family circle.
So my wife usually translates all the time.

Expensive Tet........Opposite for me,  4 months ago while  on Holliday in Canada I did a bit of research on giving “lucky money” to children. I went and exchanged some Canadian dollars for a bunch of US  $1 notes. Well on New Years Eve as well as last night armed with this money in red envelopes I went to the fireworks display at front beach tried to give it to some of the little kids there only to be stoped by their parents, maybe they thought I was a bit strange. Still have it all, will try again tonight.
Wadey

AkaMaverick wrote:

SteinNebraska wrote:

AkaMaverick wrote:

The father-in-law spoke to me all the time and I smiled all the time and nodded in between. It was a very long hour.

Although it is difficult for me to learn foreign languages, I will start learning Vietnamese (a mix of internet research and help from my wife) in the near future.

That will change.

I have been married for two and a half years and have known the family for about 3 years.
Nothing has changed, because both parents of my wife cannot keep quiet for a minute.

But the situation is not that bad, because after the marriage I made it clear early on that I don't want to sit at the rather intellectually undemanding smoker-men's table all the time where I don't understand anything anyway.
My wife passed this on, but of course not in this form.
Since then there are no longer separate tables for men and women (and children) at parties in the immediate family circle.
So my wife usually translates all the time.

Been there done that! I could never come to terms or can now never come to terms with the men all at one table getting pissed out of their minds & trying their best to get the foreigner pissed too. Sounds like you got the message across on that one, well done!

unionjack wrote:

Been there done that! I could never come to terms or can now never come to terms with the men all at one table getting pissed out of their minds & trying their best to get the foreigner pissed too. Sounds like you got the message across on that one, well done!

They don't know that they are dealing with a professional so I let them all go around the table one time with me for 100% and after that I tell them one drinks, they all drink.  They all go home drunk around 2:00pm.

Mike Wagner wrote:

Stunning but not that surprising as pretty much all that matters to people in Vietnam is: money.

Nah, man. It's not just in Vietnam. It's all over the world. It's everywhere. Name one country that money does not matter to its people. Good luck!

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Some off topic posts have been removed from this thread. Please respect each other and avoid personal attack / off topic comments while posting on the forum. I invite you to concentrate on the initial subject.

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Christine

dannyC wrote:

Mike Wagner wrote:

Stunning but not that surprising as pretty much all that matters to people in Vietnam is: money.

Nah, man. It's not just in Vietnam. It's all over the world. It's everywhere. Name one country that money does not matter to its people. Good luck!

Its obvious you missed his point.

The tally of Tết:

Gifts arrived before the 1st:  Traditional Tết food, signature food from the givers' hometowns, a rose plant for my balcony, and a carton of Tiger beer for my husband.

The number of people who came to pay their respect (I'm the family matriarch so we didn't go to other people's homes except for one celebratory luncheon) since the 1st Day of Tết:  26. 

The amount of lucky money we handed out:  3.5M

The amount of money we received (I've reached a certain age this year so in addition to personal respect and wishes, some of the relatives also presented me with longevity money):  1.5M

Another year of tradition upheld when it mattered:  Priceless.

Ciambella wrote:

The tally of Tết:

Gifts arrived before the 1st:  Traditional Tết food, signature food from the givers' hometowns, a rose plant for my balcony, and a carton of Tiger beer for my husband.

The number of people who came to pay their respect (I'm the family matriarch so we didn't go to other people's homes except for one celebratory luncheon) since the 1st Day of Tết:  26. 

The amount of lucky money we handed out:  3.5M

The amount of money we received (I've reached a certain age this year so in addition to personal respect and wishes, some of the relatives also presented me with longevity money):  1.5M

Another year of tradition upheld when it mattered:  Priceless.

I can virtually guarantee that in 14 years here, that has NOT been the experience of U-J 😉

Well, I see that all my posts have been removed from this thread. I will simply reiterate what I said before: I hope Ciambella can forget the insensitive personal attack someone made and keeps posting her excellent comments.

hyagly256 wrote:

Well, I see that all my posts have been removed from this thread. I will simply reiterate what I said before: I hope Ciambella can forget the insensitive personal attack someone made and keeps posting her excellent comments.

Thank you.  Since joining the site, I've been sharing my experiences as a native born and also as an expat.  Even as I agree with THIGV's observation that I wasn't born into a "typical" Vietnamese family, nor was I raised and educated as a typical Vietnamese woman.  Moreover, my life after 1975 wasn't the typical Vietnamese immigrant's life either.  Still, none of that affects my deep knowledge of this country's history, culture, custom, tradition, language, and *some* aspects of the law.  Therefore, I don't think I'll stop sharing just because someone has a beef against me. 

People's ire is the negative emotion they themselves have to deal with, it doesn't affect me because I don't allow it to ruffle my peace of mind.

Thank you again.  I truly appreciate your taking the time twice to post your encouragement.

(A POST FROM OUR  VIETNAM EXPERT EMERITUS; Worth a read again)
    The thought that an Overseas Vietnamese MUST give bigger gifts is exactly what it is, a thought.  NOBODY says they must.  Well, except the greedy mothers-in-law (the husbands' mothers) in the article.  Notice that the other mothers-in-law (the wives' mother) didn't ask for anything.  What I read between the lines is that the demanding mothers-in-law will always be demanding no matter the circumstance.  That's why since the beginning of time in Vietnam, the groom's mother has always been the most important factor to be considered before the couple even contemplating marriage.  If she's mean spirited, the chance for her son to find a good wife is very slim.Also notice that the individuals in the article are all Vietnamese who have only been living abroad for a few years.  The war was over 45 years ago, meaning the number of Vietnamese who have become hyphenated Vietnamese (Vietnamese-Americans, Vietnamese-Canadians, Vietnamese-Australians, Vietnamiens en France, etc) is a whole lot bigger than the newly weds in the article who left home between 4 - 8 years ago.  The difference between the two groups is that the former is much more Westernised and no longer has the need to prove themselves, while the latter still clings to the mentality of saving face and showing off.Read the article carefully and you can hear the boasting hidden behind the complaints.Boasting from the couple who have been living in France for 4 years and come home for the first time:  "Just the gifts alone, and mind you, they're limited to only immediate family members and a few relatives, have cost us 2000€. We estimate it'll be 5000€ before the lucky money."  Excuse me, but how do you go from 2000€ of gifts to 5000€ of expenses before lucky money?  Where do you plan to spend the 3000€, taking the entire village to eat every day of your stay?  Her quote: "Many people said coming home from abroad, we must give twice the amount of lucky money."  Who are the "many people", where do they get the rule, and why did she listen to them?  Boasting from the couple in the UK:  "Gifts for both sides of the family: 50M; lucky money: 15M;  parties: 10M; miscellaneous: 70M.  We spent the same amount in 2018."  Excuse me, but 70M of miscellaneous?  And you're doing it every other year?  Slow learners, aren't you?Boasting from the woman who has been living in Los Angeles for 8 years:  "My husband's mother requested that I bought gifts to all 20 relatives in the extended family, so I'll give each relative a box of alimentary and some clothing.  It costs me more than $1000.  As the owner of a restaurant, that's not a big deal to me, but I hate giving to people to whom I'm not close, or whom I don't even remember."  OK then, moving on.Boasting from the woman who married a Belgian and has been living in Bruxelle for 7 years:   "We both worked for the railway and have very good income, so we came home every Tet.  Instead of gifts, we gave out lucky money freely, between 500k and several hundred Euro per person.  Because I'm married to a foreigner, I must invite everyone out, more than 10 meals per visit, and always in expensive restaurants so I wouldn't be known as a cheapskate.  Everyone kept looking at me when it's time to pay."  Excuse me, but whose fault is it?When my sister and I returned to Vietnam for a visit the first time, we were already living away for more than 3 decades.  She became a widow of considerable asset and I was what the Italian called me, a "baby pensione" (I retired at 47).  We spend 7 weeks visiting every relative from Saigon to Hanoi and every point in between.  Not one person asked anything from us.  We contributed to the maintenance of the ancestors mausoleum and the expense of creating the family genealogy, and that's the extent of our "gifts".  Many visits since then from the hundreds of us living in the States and Europe, still no one in Vietnam has expected anything.  Even back in the early '90s, Vietnamese in Vietnam already knew that living overseas did not equal to living large.  Twenty years later, every cab drivers I've met told me he wouldn't move to the States for love or money.This article and the whines from the individuals mentioned in it have so little resemblance to the attitude of Vietnamese today. AkaMaverick wrote:But not only at TET.Even if you travel a lot as an expat, your relatives expect to receive gifts after each trip.At weddings, birthdays, hospital visits, etc. they also expect to receive more money than from the locals.So those who plan to marry a Vietnamese woman with family must budget at least 50 million Dong per year for gifts.
Only if you marry into a greedy family.  There are more than 20 women in my extended family who married foreigners.  I can assure you that none of the spouses has ever spend more than the customary lucky money to the children (50k - 200k per red envelope, depending on the age of the receiver) and as per tradition, nobody gives lucky money to the married ones.My husband and I travel extensively.  In any given year, we take two long international trips (and I don't mean to SEA countries) plus a couple shorter ones to island countries.  No one asked us to bring back a gift, ever.  This last month long trip to Europe, I bought 135€ worth of French skin care for my most favourite niece who takes excellent care of us out of the generosity of her heart, and that was it.At my great-niece's wedding 3 weeks ago, my husband and I gave the same amount of gold to the bride as the locals did: 1 chỉ (3.75 gr).  My other niece and her German physician SO are the only couple who gave 2 chỉ (7.5 gr), but only because she's the bride's godmother.Half of the Tết food in our apartment right now, signature food from all over the country, are gifts from our Vietnamese relatives.  Not from us to them.
   

    -@Ciambella

My wife and I were quite fortunate to have my "twin sister" Ciambella & her husband as our upstairs neighbors in Vũng Tàu.

She was a great personal counselor for me as I seriously began considering marrying into a Vietnamese family, and she was a great friend to my future wife as she struggled to understand her crazy foreigner groom-to-be.

One important thing Mrs C taught me has helped to keep the season of Tết a joyous time for us without any resentments toward our extended Vietnamese family:

We established our own rules before we ever got married.

By that time we knew exactly who had unreasonable expectations of financial largesse from us, though their expectations didn't alter our plans one bit.

We chose the family members in Quảng Ngãi we would gift with lucky money and we simply ignored those who were not on our list of elderly aunts & uncles, cousins under 18, nieces & nephews--children of her brothers & sister--under 18, our two minor daughters and my father & mother inlaw (grandparents are all deceased).

We chose the amounts and that's exactly what they will receive again this year.

We've also agreed ahead of time how much we will give to the elderly & children in our Đà Nẵng neighborhood.

We will spend the second day of Tết in Quảng Ngãi and I decide how much I drink (very little) and what I do (take walks with the children through the countryside neighborhood.

Tết will only take control of you if you've given up all personal control to your Vietnamese family.

Do your homework ahead of your engagement and come to an agreement with your future wife before you marry her.

Trying to negotiate the customs of Tết AFTER the marriage ceremony is a loosing proposition almost certain to bring out the crybaby in you.

Chúc Mừng Năm Mới

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