Talking to a Viet girl in HCMC. Need some clarity.

Hello everyone. I need some advice on how to proceed with this girl I've been talking to for a while.

We've been talking to each other for a few years now on and off through Skype/Viber. By chance I was in Saigon for work in 2015 and we connected once in person, but due to a lack of time I simply couldn't make anything tangible happen.  Despite this, we kept in touch and started talking everyday. We would share stories about our lives, ambitions and sing songs and there were many intimate things said. It was a very pleasant experience and I got so close to her. Unfortunately, I had a great opportunity in KL/Manila so I decided to take that. We grew apart a bit but still kept in touch.

I'm now in a position where I can spend much more time in Vietnam. But I'm still confused as to why she kept in touch with me for so long. She's not my girlfriend yet even though I care for her a lot. My main concern is that she's expressed the desire to live abroad in the past, particularly in my hometown in the US and has unsuccessfully applied for an au-pair visa and is now trying to get some sort of student visa. This is sending off red flags in my head along with the fact that she speaks above average English for a Viet girl. 

We are similar ages -- mid 20s. I like her a lot and want to be with her, but I'm certainly not naive. I don't want to be used as a tool and then discarded. Can anyone shed some light on this situation?

Am I being paranoid? What would you do in my situation? Thanks for reading.

Paranoid is easy: if you think you might be; you aren't...

Your questions have healthy doubt; the best protection, as there is no
safety or certainty whilst living in life, and relationships..?   (Whew!!)

..which do you prefer..?   Pandora's box or the can of worms..?

99% of human relations involve some degree of manipulation,
the same stuff we learnt at our Mother's breast.  And we need to
'use' others in social networking or asking a favour.

Right through to the FWB ;Friends With Benefits (can be) good for
all concerned, but open communication is a prerequisite, and we
hear it loud and clear if it is not.   But life itself is a learning curve,
and there is no way to find a perfect person...

..but there are infinite ways for us to be better...

It is choice, not chance that decides our destiny. 

I think you will choose wisely         :top:

"Am I being paranoid?"
No

"What would you do in my situation?"
If you are really into her, just proceed, but with caution.

"But I'm still confused as to why she kept in touch with me for so long."
Could have many reasons.

I've learned to enjoy relationships and to make the most of companionship. But I've never forgotten that things can go wrong and you can be hurt badly if you let your emotions carry you away. So realize that relationships can morph into situations where you are carrying both sides of the connection. And that is when things go really bad.
Keep one foot planted on solid ground and keep a firm grip on reality.

Jim-Minh :

I've learned to enjoy relationships and to make the most of companionship. But I've never forgotten that things can go wrong and you can be hurt badly if you let your emotions carry you away. So realize that relationships can morph into situations where you are carrying both sides of the connection. And that is when things go really bad.
Keep one foot planted on solid ground and keep a firm grip on reality.

Funny thing is she's a Da-Lat transplant who moved to Saigon. Anything specific to that region I should know about?

But yes, I have the right mindset and I like Viet women and people a lot since I have a lot of exposure to them in the US. I know that they have a lot of charm, for better or worse.

Nielsen Flute :

Funny thing is she's a Da-Lat transplant who moved to Saigon. Anything specific to that region I should know about?

Nothing unusual about young people moving from rural areas to the big cities where the jobs are.  Some even move from Hanoi to HCMC for the jobs.  It's a worldwide phenomenon including all over the US as well.

Just curious about one thing;  If you were stationed in Kuala Lumpur and Manila, why didn't you ever take advantage of the relatively short plane hop to go see her on a few long weekends?  That could have been an excellent opportunity to get to know her better.  Are you on a diplomatic passport?

Nielsen Flute :

Hello everyone. I need some advice on how to proceed with this girl I've been talking to for a while.

We've been talking to each other for a few years now on and off through Skype/Viber. By chance I was in Saigon for work in 2015 and we connected once in person,... I like her a lot and want to be with her, .

Your words and actions don't match.
You met in 3 years ago, you like her a lot and want to be with her.
But you're not with her and haven't tried.
You couldn't manage to see her for three years.

Really doesn't matter. She is actually more honest, at least in knowing her wants and needs than you, she said a long time ago that she wants to live in a town like yours.
That's her goal.

Doesn't sound like your goal. So, yes, it's a red flag.

If I have not been clear enough. If you wanted to be with her, you would have been. he problem is not her, it's you.

You guys are right.

I wasn't able to see her during my work assignment because my job was demanding and required 100 percent of my focus. It's something that I do need to communicate to her...and soon. I feel like she thinks I'm compartmentalizing her and only talking to her if I'm 'close' or 'on my way'. And make it up to her in a big way.

All of this still feels weird because I haven't had sex with her yet even though we've brushed on the issue.  I feel like I'm walking a dangerous line here.

If for whatever reason she doesn't work out, there are many other girls in Saigon I could date and get serious with. But to be honest, I'm really only coming back to town for her.

Hello Green Card. They will be lazed focused as long as there is hope you will help her inmigrate. Nothing wrong with that if thst is what you both want and agree to. They will hang on forever for that opportunity if it is ar all likely. If tgat is not what you want tell her. She will hang up the phone pretty darn fast.

Better the devil you know..?

..or familiarity breeds contempt..?

At least, you believe you know her motives (are pure?)

It's (still) your choice

P.S.
You have clarity. You are looking for permission to do what you know will turn out badly.
Good luck with that.

Just tell her that you like her and will move and live in Vietnam for good just to be with her.

You will find out real fast if she is for real.

I hope Yogi replys this one

You have to make your own judgement.  Are you asking us hoping we give you permission to go out with her or are you hoping we affirm that you should run?

If you have a chance to be in Vietnam then try it out.  But don't come in with false expectations from her and also make sure she understands to not have false expectations of you. 

You've known her for years but do you really know her?  You guys have kept in touch but have you gone through both good and bad times together?  Have a real relationship.  Real conversations.    Get to know each other more.  Slight difference but extremely important details matter.  Why does she want to leave Vietnam.  Because she has a fantasy that life in the US is easy?  Or because she wants to settle down and raise a family with more security.   Why is her English above average?  One, her only goal is to get to the US regardless of who she goes with but she's got a lot red flags so she hasn't found a sucker yet.  Or two, she has a strong desire to go to the US but enough smarts and self respect to not settle for any tom, dick or harry.  There's more going on here and only you can figure it out.

Yes, watch out for flags, but that's true for any and all relationships.  Watch out for real flags and don't imagine ones that are not there.

Examples of all situations (p.s. I'm VN American so I see different situations)

1) I had a coworker who had a friend from Vietnam who really wanted to go to the US.  She met a guy 15-20 years older then her who married her brought her over.  I never got an update beyond my coworker being surprised when they had their first baby and how happy she was.

2)  My friend's brother's friend wanted to get married and found a mail-chatroom-order bride.  When she showed up at the airport she said she was going to the restroom and never came back.

3) My friend is marrying a girl from Vietnam (Da Lat also) next year.  It took him months just to get her to talk to him because she was worried that he had a wife and kids in the states and was just playing around with her.   Now they talk twice everyday in the morning and afternoon.  She actually has a very decent job in HCMC and is worried about leaving her aging mother.

4) My best friend was dating a VN student in the states.  He expressed to me that she was hinting at marriage but he wasn't sure if she was just in it for the green card or not.  I told him that he had to make a decision quickly to be fair to her.   They ended up getting marriage, have a boy, trying for a second and argue like any old couple.  Turns out her parents are decently well off.  They own a plot of land 20 steps from Nguyen Hue walking street and just live off renting the bottom floor.  His wife has already said that she doesn't care about fighting for the inheritance with her siblings and once her parents pass away she has no reason to go back to Vietnam.

5) Ten years ago my uncle had a chance to go to the US and bring both of his daugther's families with him.  One family had just started a business and was doing well and did not want to go.  The other family's work situation was spotty and they really wanted to go to the US.  I told that cousin that her and her husband would probably have to work even harder in the US than in VN but it would be better for their children.  My uncle decided to stay in Vietnam.  The second cousin did manage to get to the US and are loving it.  They have an below average but steady income but their daughters are graduating college and have a bright future.  The cousin that stayed are doing well but are worried about their and their children's future and now want to find a way to get to the US also.  I only bring up this story to point out that there are various reasons for wanting to leave the country from believing money grows on trees to thinking far in the future and the situation can change day to day.  Know the story.

One last word of warning.  Many of the girls wanting to leave the country do so with the genuine thought of finding someone they love.  But sometimes, once the "honeymoon" period is over, the culture clashes are too much and it just doesn't work out.  They separate and the girl ends up with the same exact guy she could have found on any street in Vietnam.   The results seem similar but it's completely different from the pre-meditate girl from example 2.

They will pay $50k for a fiance’ visa. Have a friend who sponsored his bride to be. She no sooner arrives and she calls the police that he abused her. He says he never touched her. But she can now apply for a free U type visa. Apparently one of the more popular tricks. Does  she love you?? Could be.

..like I said, the possibilities are endless...     :huh:

And OBTW a U visa is for those married or engaged to be married inmigrants who gave been abused in anyway

CoderX10 :

Just tell her that you like her and will move and live in Vietnam for good just to be with her.

You will find out real fast if she is for real.

There was a particular conversation we had where I did tell her of my intentions to live long term in Vietnam and I wouldn't be returning to the US for a while. And of course I'm nice where I simply ask her how her apps are doing. She seemed unfazed by it, but I'm paranoid by nature so I almost blew myself out by overemphasizing that.

Then a while later we were talking about previous relationships and she said that she's only been with 1 guy and how guys in Saigon only want sex and don't want to be serious. Then she asks me whether I want to have sex with her and how she prefers sex in the context of relationships instead of random hookups. It's really hard to put a finger on her MO. She's just so cute and sweet and sophisticated and has quite a bit of depth.

In contrast, I have been with Manila girls during my contract in PI and they make their intentions extremely obvious. They want out and they'll do whatever it takes. The girls there are very brute force and do a lot of love bombing and being in a relationship with them, things start to fall apart quickly because they are less elegant with their lies and very brazen when you challenge them.

Maybe it's just long game, but I don't know. I'm not sure...

Diazo :

Hello Green Card. They will be lazed focused as long as there is hope you will help her inmigrate. Nothing wrong with that if thst is what you both want and agree to. They will hang on forever for that opportunity if it is ar all likely. If tgat is not what you want tell her. She will hang up the phone pretty darn fast.

I have followed your posts for a little bit so I know that your perspective is a bit more 'realistic' about relationships with Viet girls and that they do show their true character and colors eventually. I've talked to her about it and she's just like "yeah I just want to find my prince hehehe". Would you say that when it concerns a foreigner and a Viet girl getting serious, it rarely works out because they are playing the long game or because of insurmountable cultural differences?

You gotta wonder like, is this the same girl, some cinderella or sth.

Either that or trolls, when every year never fails you get the

"Am i the mark question? She's lovely, works in a bs.  says shes from daklak, but ID card says Chau duc....

My advise to you would be to to hit it n quit it, from the rear exit -  that is exactly what she would do to you.

Nielsen Flute :
CoderX10 :

Just tell her that you like her and will move and live in Vietnam for good just to be with her.

You will find out real fast if she is for real.

There was a particular conversation we had where I did tell her of my intentions to live long term in Vietnam and I wouldn't be returning to the US for a while. And of course I'm nice where I simply ask her how her apps are doing. She seemed unfazed by it, but I'm paranoid by nature so I almost blew myself out by overemphasizing that.

Then a while later we were talking about previous relationships and she said that she's only been with 1 guy and how guys in Saigon only want sex and don't want to be serious. Then she asks me whether I want to have sex with her and how she prefers sex in the context of relationships instead of random hookups. It's really hard to put a finger on her MO. She's just so cute and sweet and sophisticated and has quite a bit of depth.

Maybe it's just long game, but I don't know. I'm not sure...

Sucks but both the nice girl and not-nice girl will say the same lines.  If you are going to be in Vietnam long-term then you can find out the difference.

If she's not what she seems AND she's playing the long game AND you are not able to detect any of these issues during your long term stay in Vietnam (whether directly from her, her family, or her friends) then to be blunt nothing we say here on the forum can save you.

It seems they offer a high school course here for all the girls. They have the exact verbage and actions no matter who you run into. They seems to lay awake at night and if they hear you sniffle they are right there. They are always concerned when your away, if you gave eaten, do you feel okay. For me it has lways been difficult to decide. But eventually it gets around to their future security assured now. No IRA’s or future plans. I wish I could count the green cards lines. But if you get a good one you have a keeper. But don’t forget that as a man and a foreigner you have  virtually no rights here. Not important maybe now. When it is just your motorbike you don’t own. But once you have a child it can become a much bigger thing. Who knows......?

Nielsen Flute :
CoderX10 :

Just tell her that you like her and will move and live in Vietnam for good just to be with her.

You will find out real fast if she is for real.

There was a particular conversation we had where I did tell her of my intentions to live long term in Vietnam and I wouldn't be returning to the US for a while. And of course I'm nice where I simply ask her how her apps are doing. She seemed unfazed by it, but I'm paranoid by nature so I almost blew myself out by overemphasizing that.

Then a while later we were talking about previous relationships and she said that she's only been with 1 guy and how guys in Saigon only want sex and don't want to be serious. Then she asks me whether I want to have sex with her and how she prefers sex in the context of relationships instead of random hookups. It's really hard to put a finger on her MO. She's just so cute and sweet and sophisticated and has quite a bit of depth.

In contrast, I have been with Manila girls during my contract in PI and they make their intentions extremely obvious. They want out and they'll do whatever it takes. The girls there are very brute force and do a lot of love bombing and being in a relationship with them, things start to fall apart quickly because they are less elegant with their lies and very brazen when you challenge them.

Maybe it's just long game, but I don't know. I'm not sure...

I hope you noticed that I never talked about her motives, only your actions.

She sounds just like my GF, who made it clear from our first conversations that she just wanted a good partner. period. nothing more.
And I believed her and in the last two years, that's exactly what it's been.

I left a woman in Italy years ago and purposely didn't ask her to come with me. Why? All the Italians I knew and know live within 50 km of where they are born.  I'm a gypsy on the other hand.

My advice at this point to you: Put up or shut up.

I don't care what job you have, if you want a real relationship with this woman, get on a plane and see her.  iIf you can't do that, you don't want her and stop wasting her time.

I have the distinct impression you are using this forum to waste our time.

For those who have missed some episodes, let me summarize this nonsense:

Nielsen Flute :

We've been talking to each other for a few years now.

We connected once in person.

I couldn't make anything happen [apology]. My job required 100 percent of my focus. [low interest, or selfish?]

We would share stories and sing songs. We are mid 20s. [butterflies all around]

I feel like she thinks I'm compartmentalizing her. [WTF? A dark cloud begins to form]

She's just so cute and sweet and sophisticated and has quite a bit of depth [dreamer]

I'm really only coming back to town for her [pure motive]

It's really hard to put a finger on her MO [The plot turns. Uses clinical term 'modus operandi' for 'feelings'. Sinister music plays.]

Maybe it's just long game [green card fraud! ], but I don't know. [Cute but, just maybe, NOT sweet?]
I'm not sure... [see: "we connected once in person"]

I'm paranoid by nature [The reveal]

Cliffhanger:

"Would you say that when it concerns a foreigner and a Viet girl getting serious, it rarely works out because they [unscrupulous asian] are playing the long game, or because of insurmountable cultural differences?" [paranoia, pessimism, trust issues]

Coming up: Season 2

Gobot nails it yet again: the plot thickens...    (Aghast!)     :o

Meanwhile, my personal paranoia is patented popcorn sales.

Your prophecy for planned plot twists O Master..?      :thanks:

Methinks a feeding frenzy is about to begin...

Mood music, the lights dim, cue camera...

Wxx3 :
Nielsen Flute :
CoderX10 :

Just tell her that you like her and will move and live in Vietnam for good just to be with her.

You will find out real fast if she is for real.

There was a particular conversation we had where I did tell her of my intentions to live long term in Vietnam and I wouldn't be returning to the US for a while. And of course I'm nice where I simply ask her how her apps are doing. She seemed unfazed by it, but I'm paranoid by nature so I almost blew myself out by overemphasizing that.

Then a while later we were talking about previous relationships and she said that she's only been with 1 guy and how guys in Saigon only want sex and don't want to be serious. Then she asks me whether I want to have sex with her and how she prefers sex in the context of relationships instead of random hookups. It's really hard to put a finger on her MO. She's just so cute and sweet and sophisticated and has quite a bit of depth.

In contrast, I have been with Manila girls during my contract in PI and they make their intentions extremely obvious. They want out and they'll do whatever it takes. The girls there are very brute force and do a lot of love bombing and being in a relationship with them, things start to fall apart quickly because they are less elegant with their lies and very brazen when you challenge them.

Maybe it's just long game, but I don't know. I'm not sure...

I hope you noticed that I never talked about her motives, only your actions.

She sounds just like my GF, who made it clear from our first conversations that she just wanted a good partner. period. nothing more.
And I believed her and in the last two years, that's exactly what it's been.

I left a woman in Italy years ago and purposely didn't ask her to come with me. Why? All the Italians I knew and know live within 50 km of where they are born.  I'm a gypsy on the other hand.

My advice at this point to you: Put up or shut up.

I don't care what job you have, if you want a real relationship with this woman, get on a plane and see her.  iIf you can't do that, you don't want her and stop wasting her time.

Fair enough, Thanks for the tough love. I tend to overanalyze a lot, but I guess in this situation it really is that simple.

'But don’t forget that as a man and a foreigner you have  virtually no rights here."

I respectfully disagree.  If this is your situation, I feel sorry for you.  Mine is the complete opposite.

"By chance I was in Saigon for work in 2015 and we connected once in person"

In 3 years you met once?  Something is just not right here.  I have a funny feeling there is a lot more to her story that you either did not express or she has not expressed to you.

Hi, I am a Vietnamese girl and I just wanna tell you my story  :) . I had a friend who's from Australia, we have known each other for 2,5 years through internet and we met in person twice. He's like a soulmate since we can share everything together (our lives, dreams, good and sad memories) and sometimes he teaches me English or gives me useful advice. We were very careful with our relationships because we are not only friends but not a couple yet, we were building it every single day (that was what I thought)

Once he came to Vietnam and his friend said "She will drug you and try to be pregnant with you", it's so silly, I was very mad especially he seemed like believe it  :) . I realize this is what foreigners think about us, they are afraid of long distance relationship with Asian girls since we could trap them and use them as a tool to move to abroad. After that trip, I find out he's still afraid, he does not trust me and neither do I so I give up

And the question is "What I really want from this relationship?" or " Why I keep in touch with him for a long time?"
I like the time we spend together, I like the ways we share everything even it's embarrassed, a person that always cheers me up or listens to my silly stories. And you know what? I CAN'T pretend to communicate with a person that I don't like for a long time like this   :)

After everything I feel sad and hurt but I think it's a good choice for me, I don't wanna waste my time for anyone could not trust me or not be brave enough to trust me

I hope that you won't misunderstand me and get your own answer and I'm sorry for my bad English

ledoangiangthanh :

I hope that you won't misunderstand me and get your own answer and I'm sorry for my bad English

Your English is just fine and your story is very enlightening.   :one

THIGV :
ledoangiangthanh :

I hope that you won't misunderstand me and get your own answer and I'm sorry for my bad English

Your English is just fine and your story is very enlightening.   :one

It is sad but true, a lack of trust and respect makes both gender suffer

The silent majority are grateful for what they have       :shy
.

If you were my age (almost 50) I'd say take the chance, have a great time - but make sure you don't marry her or give her any chance of taking you to the cleaners financially.
But seeing as you're in your 20s... I'd say take the chance, have a great time - but make sure you don't marry her or give her any chance of taking you to the cleaners financially.
For the record, I know at least one young 'un and one old 'un who should've been given that advice. Of course, they probably wouldn't have heeded it anyway.

Met my now ' BETTER HALF' by pure chance online in an open forum chat room. 
There was just something about her - still don't know why, but i managed to get her online address - emailed her - gave her a few details about ugly, old, broken-down self - - then asked her if she would be interested in chatting some times online.
SURPRISE - SURPRISE - she agreed and we started chatting about things in general several times a week - - both of us using webcams so there couldn't be any fake ID / photos used.
The chatting increased until it was at least an hour ever night of the week.
She explained why, for family reasons, she did not wish to leave Viet Nam. So, I decided to go back there myself. ( 2 years Army time in  Viet Nam during the 'American war '67 & '68)
When I arrived at Tan Son Nhat International Airport, she was there waiting for me !!!
With her  help I found a really great apartment - at the right price - got my motorbike licence the next day then purchased a larger than normal motorbike (she HATED it)
We started going out together, dinner, shows, etc and she arranged for access to some of the areas that I was still having nightmares about the things that happened.
Extended my visa twice, then took a week out over the border in Cambodia.
Came back, another visa - then she'd had enough and asked me straight out to marry her !!! 
We've now been VERY HAPPILY MARRIED for the past 7 nearly 8 years !!!

If you find the right woman - no matter where or went - - you CAN be very, very happy together  !!!   
My 'BETTER HALF' loves it when she can get days off from work and we can travel to the nearby different countries in Asia  - BUT, she has no desire to return with me to my homeland !!!
Something I'm perfectly happy with as well !   
The choice is up to YOU - - - JUST BE DAMNED SURE of HER and the choice you make !!!

P.S. - - ALWAYS remember, Vietnamese ladies are VERY special - and can also be VERY jealous if you give them any reason at all to think that way !!!   Mine shares all my internet sites, passwords, etc.

Flip465... wonderful stuff, thank you for posting that. Your spelling, grammar and punctuation are also terrific, which is very refreshing on a public forum! You've inspired me for my forthcoming move to Vietnam.

'gedinite69'

You're very welcome.  THANK YOU for the compliment, English is not my 'first' language. At home while growing up we spoke a mixture of Yiddish, English, Hebrew with a bit of the native New Zealand Maori language - all mixed up together. We kids all understood what we meant - but it drove out school teachers crazy !!! :-D   
To be honest, the attitude of some of the 'expats' and some tourists here leaves a lot to be desired, just a few of them seem to forget that this IS Viet Nam - not some 3rd world country were everyone must bow and scrape to the foreigners ever wish !!!
I found the Vietnamese to be extremely friendly and helpful - helps that if I get confused about anything, I can always simply txt or phone my 'BETTER HALF' to get things straightened out :-)
To the average VN - family is EVERYTHING - something we in the 'Western countries' seem to have forgotten !!!   
IF, you can, before you arrive, find yourself a VN friend here at this expats site !!! 
A good Vietnamese friend will save you from most any sort of problems that could come your way.  Viet Nam usually comes as one hell of a culture shock to most 'Westerners'

I'm off to Israel for a short visit very soon - my 'BETTER HALF' will be heading back home, down to Ben Tre, to help look after her parents.

GOOD LUCK AND ENJOY YOUR TIME HERE !   :-)

Thank you for the advice. If you know any Hanoians who would be interested in taking me under their wing for a while, please put them in touch!

What a weirdo. Been in an online relationship for 3 years and has to ask for advice on the internet how to proceed.. haha.

Even cat is a Tiger in its own path

..but even Tigers can get lost in Love...     :huh:

ledoangiangthanh :

Hi, I am a Vietnamese girl and I just wanna tell you my story  :) . ...
After everything I feel sad and hurt but I think it's a good choice for me, I don't wanna waste my time for anyone could not trust me or not be brave enough to trust me

I hope that you won't misunderstand me and get your own answer and I'm sorry for my bad English

Thank you for sharing.
Your story points out something that I think we westerners take for granted. We expect our partners to also be our friends. I think in general that is less so in Asia for a variety of cultural and historical reasons. Or put another way, friendship in a marriage is a bit of a luxury.

From the very beginning, my GF made it clear what she wanted: a man to treat her with respect and be as devoted to her as she was to him. No more, no less.
It wasn't about living in the west or anything else.

That was almost two years ago and nothing has changed. I make her laugh more than every, don't make her cry and treat her as I like to be treated.
That is not the typical Vietnamese man.

If you read ledoangiangthanh's story above, she is describing a relationship based on friendship and respect. That's why she valued it, even long distance for 2+ years. And i would bet that he was the only one she cared about.

I think there are a lot of Vietnamese women just looking for a good partner.

I've noticed that often times, other's are jealous of their friend's happiness. Misery loves company.

I judge people on what they do; without trying to figure out motives. half the time we don't even understand our own motives, how am I to know someone else's?

So, my advice to anyone with an open mind, try to take everything at face value. trust until you have a reason not to. If nothing else, you will live a longer and happier life.

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