How long does it take to adjust to Malaysia life?

Hi Tasha,

Welcome to Malaysia ... I understand what you are feeling cz I am going through the same feeling.. Yet I am working, and most of my days are busy.. But does it have to be that way! and is it true that ppl are wasting their life here.. Not at all, I dont believe so.. There are many things that you could do here, and the experience can be really empowering.. And here you get the opportunity to do what ever you want.. I believe that nth is stopping you from working the 1st place, especially if your kids can go to pre school/kindergarden..

Also if you don t like the routine of work, you can invest yourself in business, I mean your husband is malaysian, and that could be a rea asset for you to start your own business.. But you ll need to work a little more on building a network.

As for friends, there are a lot.. All nationalities, all ages, and many so eager to meet and to make friends

And please please forget about those warnings about safety and start getting out, is Malaysia dangerous, not more then anyother country in the world, and may be safer then many places.. All you need is to take the common precaution like avoiding walking alone at late nights, avoid small streets and shortcuts, use public transportation for long distance...

Please dear get in there and start living your life as you feel doing.... Cz you missed enough those 2 to 3 months

Best luck

You are not suffering from culture shock, you sound like you are suffering from depression and dreamworld destruction. Get that sorted out, and everything will fall into place. You will always be an outsider in Malaysia and you have to accept that an make your friends in areas with foreigners and to do with your children. Getting them into some education will open doors and you will meet others. Of course speaking BM is essential in your situation. You could attend the American Womens Club or the British Womens Institute. Join inter nations and attend some of the international function with or without your children. If you are unhappy, your children are unhappy and your husband will become more Malaysian (guess you never much noticed the culture gap between you before you came here).

Well my husband had moved to states for college and then we met and spent 8 years there. The cultural differences I had were more about not being Chinese. I feel like I have finally crossed all those hurdles in the family. But now its like a million more hurdles to cross to feel settled here. Even getting a job I would enjoy because I really love working but the working environment is so different compared to States that I don't know if I would enjoy it. Plus the pay isn't worth getting someone to watch over the kids so I can work. I don't know I try to think positive about what could be but then something happens and I just can't picture this place as a future home. Thanks for your advice.

As Gravitas pointed earlier, It seems that you are getting into a cultural shock and driving yourself in depression, which totally normal and can be fixed in no time.. You can start by getting out more now, and finding friends, for work and so, don t give it a lot of thinking, once you ll start finding friends and having a more active social life, you ll discover more options and can think of an effecient way to occupy yourself..

Just get there

There are assistant teacher jobs at the good international schools, which might also give you an insight into the education system. If you want to discuss schools or anything else, please feel free to drop a line to my PM. I guess they will go to Chinese schools (which are actually the very best option in your circumstance). They need to get involved with their heritage culture as this is an essential part of their development. What does happen (from experience) is that you will feel your children getting pulled away from you, as they integrate into Malaysia at a quicker pace, and its just normal, but does cause some heartache.

Some access to adults:
American Association of Malaysia - AAM +603 62142 0611 www.klamerican.com
British Association of British Women in Malaysia - ABWM  +603 2284 4407
Expat  Women www.expatwomen.com
Family Resource Group - IBU  +603 6211 9283  www.ibufamily.org
International Women Association KL  +603 7726 7104  www.iwakl.org

Hi Tasha,
I am also moving from Los Angeles to Malaysia with three kids. i was excited until i read your post. As you know how life is in states. I cant Imagine staying home with 3 crazy kids lol that would drive me crazy. i am not sure how life will be once i will be living in Malaysia. I lived in Middle East for several years and was thinking the same thing about packing my bags and leave. But luckily i got my license converted so i could drive. But after the 3rd baby it wasnt easy to get out much. Lets see how it works out in Malaysia. hows things with you so far?? hopefully its getting better.

Hi,

Well, finally get praise for our driving skill frm a foreigner. Hahahaha. Cant deny, mayb we can drive well in F1 competition.
Well mayb u can try to learn drive in your housing area. Less traffic, less car passby. Learn till u feel confident on main road.


Second, mayb u can join those club or group, church. Am sure there have alot ladies like u which is house wife, and bored in the house. So, why dont join those assoicate, church or charity work to noe more people?


Third, u can try to apply those job which is america base. International company. Or parttimer for teaching english.

Classic culture shock. What is missing is the husbands viewpoint? Often returning couples the Malaysian partner gets the worst as they have been westernised. I reckon it is a dangerous thing to do that often puts fatal stress on a marriage.lots if divorces happen in such circumstances not least as the Malaysian partner goes "local" and changes and then has massive stress on themselves and lots of conflict internally. That can be the hardest of all. Of course after a while things can settle down. Mingling with other expats can be a double edged sword though. It can make it worse or better.

After the USA who can blame you. Land of the free to Malaysia. No comparison. Some people never get over being abroad and I note Americans tend to find it the hardest of all westerners. Europeans find it a little easier especially Brits as our cultures are more similar. Especially Brits. Eg Malaysians moan a lot (yes they do!) like Brits and not like Americans who are so positive.

As for driving most Malaysians drive like old women even in powerful cars. It is all status symbol but then they drive slowly. I am always nipping in and out of traffic trying to get past those in the fast lane at slow speeds. But overall best in Asia. Better than the French that's not hard lol)

Tasha, im the same as you but maybe in reverse.

Im from SoCal and have been here 16 years. I came four times for three months each and then took the plunge.

I got used to Malaysia on the very first day because
1) i was determined to mix and find acceptance
2) there was so much to be fascinated about, even right when getting off the plane at the airport.
3) From the start of living here full time i had a business and Malaysian fiance and was busy seven days a week so there was no time to be unhappy or bored or anything.
4) I reveled in our cultural contrasts and the alleged harmony.

Even after 16 years there has never been a dull moment and im never bored. But I wasnt a housewife stuck at home with kids and nothing to do. I had too strong a purpose to even consider being bored or wanting to go home. My life was full of countless friends, activity and work. I got used to Malaysia immediately because I made the decision to do so. I lived like a local with only local friends from the first day. I never knew any expats.

The word "reverse" comes in because after about five years, the time you might believe it takes to get used to Asia and Malaysia, I woke up one day startled at the assnine mistake I made. The politics, the immaturity, the silliness, the truth about harmony, the errors and problems on my part, the lack and lack and lack, and I thought my god what a BS country this is, what have I done?

But whatever I thought about Malaysia, US was worse. I came because I wanted something better, plus I knew the collapse was coming eight years before it did and I wanted to make a new life outside, and early while I had a choices and time to think, before I was forced to at some 11th hour under duress.

So, it didnt take me five years to get used to it, it took five years to realize it was a mistake. What you are feeling and thinking now is the reverse because you have yet to get used to it. Lets say it will take five years and then you will be cruising. That sounds about right. Do you see the reverse? You are going from bottom to top, I went from top to bottom and I believe either one will take the same amount of time.

I dont believe its cultural shock, I think its just what you said in your post and thats personal shock, the "my god what have I done" shock that you got on the first day on the way up, and that i got on the last day on the way down. We have what seems the same life but in a mirror.

That all said, westerners will never truly get used to anything and asians will never get used to us either. We are all in limbo with each other permanently. You WILL learn to make allowances and compromises because the body seeks comfort. You can be stuffed down a dark, wet, hobbit hole and learn to be happy. In that sense the time it takes you to get used to it is exactly the time you allow for it. I allowed ONE DAY. So you decide, how long do you want to take? A year? Two? Five? Or never, like some people do?

If im to give any advice its to decide to wake up tomorrow morning happy. Forget expats, seek out locals of all races for friends, start learning how to make the dishes you liked when you first came, start cultivating plants, listen to the radio stations, read the news everyday (send letters to the editors too if you like), start picking up words, start planning serious activity like a home-based business for example. Plunge into the local life with both feet and dont fret or regret anything. Thats HOW....how LONG is up to you.

16 years ago one did not need a gas mask to go out 

Now what is best live in USA with clean air and clear social values or Asia where the rich burn the forests killing thousands with lung cancer?

CVCO,
Thanks for your input, it seems like we really are living the same life in reverse. As of now I have officially been here for a year and all I can think of is getting away from this place. I came here with very high expectations of what I pictured my life being here, unfortunately it is just not going to happen, and I wouldn't blame the country for that. I married into a Chinese family and one of the major benefits of the USA is that my mother in law was on the other side of the planet! Now she is a measly 10 minutes drive away... after being with my husband for ten years she has very much made it clear that I will never be accepted as a member of the family and has made the adjustment to settling myself and children here a living hell. There is really not one nice thing I can say about this woman and as someone stated earlier that moving to Malaysia is hard on a marriage it is even worse when the mother in law finds it her mission to make my life hell on purpose.

Anyways, I have tried making friends but I find it extremely difficult to make friends here and I have never had this problem before, I'm a fun person. But with three kids and no maid and doing everything myself, I mean I have mothers at my condo who ask me where is your maid, and when you respond I don't have one they respond but you have three kids. How do you do that? Its like some huge mystery. The people I have met seem to only talk about money and status which I understand from joining a chinese family those things are important but there are other things to talk about. I feel like if it was just me and my husband then I would have been able to allow myself to fully adapt but with kids I find it much harder. When you have to think about schools, safety, college, retirement that is what scares the shit out of me. I am very much a planner and I have deadlines and that kind of stuff so I just feel lost being here and not knowing what the next five years will bring. Then, I meet all these people and they talk about how they all want to move to America or other places for a better life and education for their children... that hits me everytime... all I can think is wtf did I do.

I enjoy Malaysia very much, I have learned so much from being here. You really learn how much you take for granted growing up in America. However, I have decided to move back to States in December, me and the kids are going back and my husband will be working here for business. I think it is best for us, I think it has a lot to do with the timing in our lives and if I didn't have kids or was retired this would been the best decision I could have made but moving here with three kids is just not working, especially without friends or family to help, it feels nearly impossible somedays.

I do enjoy your input and advice.. thanks for sharing your experience with me

Y dont try to do a job from home to keep urself and mind busy. Its really one of the wonderful ways of battling with boring feeling.

I  have moved to Malaysia with my teenage daughter. I am working full time at UiTm. It is hard, specially driving to work. What an adventure! And I don't think it is getting easier. Hope I can stay sane during my 2 years contract.  If you want to ketch up and have a coffee, please contact me.

Hi Nena,
Traffic in KL is a nightmare. I used to live there many years ago.
My typical day then, was out of the house at 6:30 am, walk 10 minutes to the LRT station. Train ride 20 mins to KLCC LRT.
Walk to my office 15 minutes at Jln Yap Kwan Seng. Why not take the LRT and enjoy your life more?

Tasha sorry couldnt reply. Since the 2 kids have started school. It became alot harder to mange things. As i cook at home for kids and husband and other chores without a maid. I am married into my own culture. And my mother in law was doing the same. But the Issue is a lot different.
When I traveled to middle east moved closer to "mother in law" and lived there, I was shocked to see so much “racism.” They loved whiteness. The whiter your skin the better you were. when i got married my mother in law made numerous comments be being dark. On one occasion she said i am glad my son is not dark. Otherwise the children will be born Dark too!!! Lol In Asia, it's good to be white. TV stars  white. Models are white. Everyone is airbrushed until they look like ghosts. But I wouldn't call them racist.
To them it's not about race or ethnicity it is about class. If someone from the West promotes whiteness, it's racist. “Oh you can't do that. People will be offended.”
While they prefer white skinned, they don't look at a dark skinned person and think “they are less of a person.” The same is true all over Southeast Asia. Driving a BMW in the West says you're rich and classy and in Asia, the color of your skin says it. The more we try to make race a non issue the more of an issue it becomes. We may consider it racism but to Asians it's not about race. Skin color is laughed and joked about in a way we find hard to understand. It still can make me uncomfortable.
But i have come to learn that when you stop making something an issue, it suddenly stops being one. Then we can all sit back and laugh and just enjoy each other regardless of skin color.

i am working in Puncak Alam campus. There is no train.

Nena, guess you need to assimilate with the norm here 

Uja,
I agree with you on the color of your skin topic. I have noticed while being here being white is like an added bonus or something, people treat you different and see you as higher class than anyone not white. To be honest it makes me feel very uncomfortable. When I moved here I knew I would now be a minority but it seems as though I became a priority in a way. I don't like extra attention or anything because I am white I just don't see how skin color makes you any different in any way than anyone else. The worst thing is I am out by the pool soaking up the sun trying to get my tan on and everyone else is soaking in the whitening cream lol asking me why I am damaging my skin. I come from Michigan where it is covered with snow half the year so I am soaking up as much sun as I can while I can. My mother in law is more concerned about money than anything she could care less what race however she has made it clear chinese is best but as long as the spouse has a big bank account that is most important to her. I have come to terms with the fact we will never agree on anything and never get along for that matter.