Getting married, but have doubts...

khanh44 wrote:

Rule number 11: If a Vietnamese women has an iPhone run!

I'm seeing more and more with Samsung Galaxy S4 or S5. iPhones aren't the status symbol they were just a year or two ago.

If you are not expected to pay for THAT new iPhone, why would you run? They will occupy the girl's attention instead.

khanh44 wrote:

You left out the worst of the bunch; married old Viet Kieu's.

Yes I must admit I should have included this one. Oversea Vietnamese men and white Westerners often compete for the heart (and bed) of these poor defenceless Vietnamese women ;-)

khanh44 wrote:

Rule number 11: If a Vietnamese women has an iPhone run!

Not necessarily.  Sometimes those "iPhones" you see are 20-dollar knock-offs running skinned Android.

DanFromSF wrote:

khanh44 wrote:

Rule number 11: If a Vietnamese women has an iPhone run!

Not necessarily.  Sometimes those "iPhones" you see are 20-dollar knock-offs running skinned Android.

Oh. So my Iphone isn't real???
Bummer..

jimbream wrote:

Oh. So my Iphone isn't real???
Bummer..

LOL, that is awful.   I saw a pretty good one that looked like the real deal.  The dead giveaway was it said "iPhone 4S" on the back, and real iPhones only say "iPhone".  Other than that, it was pretty convincing.

Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

One more thing, doubts come from human instinct, some kind of self-protection. I learned that one should never ignore their instincts and I would never get married to the men that I don't fully trust and happy to be with!

Take good care of yourself!
Cheers,

Can't.  He's in the UK, and I don't have much info about him.  going that far, I might as well quit.

Thanks to everyone's advice here and privately also.  I will confront her about this in the next few days and see the reaction.  Will also stop the money flow too to see what happens as has been suggested.

I am very grateful for the replies.  I did not think I would get as much as I did.  So, thanks to everyone that has replied!  It's really appreciated!

fredgo wrote:

I might as well quit.

FTFY

Ngan Khanh wrote:

Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

[moderated: not the original post].

Cheers,

@LiamVu: what you "quoted" is not what I wrote! I don't know why you did that? Whats your purpose with the worst English I have ever seen?

Anyway, doesn't matter what was your purpose, GET LOST!

LiamVu wrote:

Ngan Khanh wrote:

Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

[moderated: not the original post]

Cheers,

Sorry.  Where have I said or wrote I am unsatisfied with responses.  I am actually very happy because of the responses here.  It's better than I could hope for.  I'd say yours is the first one that though being tongue and cheek, it is not helpful at all.  Thanks for your reply though.  Hope you don't regret later in life.

fredgo wrote:

LiamVu wrote:

Ngan Khanh wrote:

Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

[moderated]

Cheers,

Sorry.  Where have I said or wrote I am unsatisfied with responses.  I am actually very happy because of the responses here.  It's better than I could hope for.  I'd say yours is the first one that though being tongue and cheek, it is not helpful at all.  Thanks for your reply though.  Hope you don't regret later in life.

Hi Fredgo,

Did you reply to my post or LiamVu's?

Ngan Khanh wrote:

@LiamVu: what you "quoted" is not what I wrote! I don't know why you did that? Whats your purpose with the worst English I have ever seen?

Anyway, doesn't matter what was your purpose, GET LOST!

Sorry.  I just realized that the quote was "added" to. And not your original post. Sorry.

fredgo wrote:

LiamVu wrote:

Ngan Khanh wrote:

Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

[moderated: not the original post]

Cheers,

Sorry.  Where have I said or wrote I am unsatisfied with responses.  I am actually very happy because of the responses here.  It's better than I could hope for.  I'd say yours is the first one that though being tongue and cheek, it is not helpful at all.  Thanks for your reply though.  Hope you don't regret later in life.

Don't worry about her Fred, she's the type of girl you need to avoid at "all costs" (pun intended). 

Stay positive and keep your head up. There are plenty of good ones out there. No need to settle for something that isn't right.

Ngan Khanh wrote:

Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

One more thing, doubts come from human instinct, some kind of self-protection. I learned that one should never ignore their instincts and I would never get married to the men that I don't fully trust and happy to be with!

Take good care of yourself!
Cheers,

Thanks.  I will confront her after Friday.  It's her birthday on Friday, so, don't want to put myself into that with what could be an argument or worse until afterward.  I will know something probably this Sunday.  Thanks for your answer!  But, about the public forum, I am actually happy with the responses.

Hope it all works out for the best for you. 

In most cases perhaps Ngan's opinion that such things are best left to a non- public formsat. However, I think the reason these issues gravitate to forums such as this is because of the cultural issues we are unsure of. This being a forum of foreigners living in a foreign land or with relationships with people in that country come here to learn if what we are experiencing is in the " norm" or....!
One only needs to look through many of the posts and this is quite common. Keep it up, we all learn.

Ngan Khanh wrote:

fredgo wrote:

LiamVu wrote:

Sorry.  Where have I said or wrote I am unsatisfied with responses.  I am actually very happy because of the responses here.  It's better than I could hope for.  I'd say yours is the first one that though being tongue and cheek, it is not helpful at all.  Thanks for your reply though.  Hope you don't regret later in life.

Hi Fredgo,

Did you reply to my post or LiamVu's?

Sorry. I see that LiamVu changed what you actually wrote. And now everyone thinks you wrote that. That was not a classy thing to do.

My first reply was to his false added text. My apologies. But my second reply was to you after I realized what happened. Sorry.

Hope others will see that too.

Hi Fredgo,

Well, where should I start now? Im very patient to read your long post. Haizzz, Im almost heart attack to read it. So, I do hope that you are patient enough to read my comment too. Like others here, I spend my time, my mind to leave you comment, please read it carefully and take it in somehow.

Please GET UP, please do NOT lie yourself anymore. You should accept the ugly truth that you are being taken for a ride. You have been used. Im sorry for that.

*** About you:
It seems that you are a nice, generous guy. You have a significant big pocket. You fall into her because of her beauty, her gorgeousYou feel sorry for her life, for the sad things she faced in the past. You want to take care her with all of your heart, all of your pocket.

*** About her:
She is a beautiful girl, a gold digger, a nice actress. She knows how to handle rich guys very well. I think she maybe an expert. Im not sure if she tells you the truth about her 1st husband. She divorced him because he was the bad guy or he ran away after discovery that she has a collection of rich guys. About other stories she told you, I dont believe in it at all. She use her 3 kids just to make you feel sorry for her so that she can get more support/ money from you guys. You said that she live in a business family and she does business too. If so, she should understand the value of money, should earn money herself, not easy to get money from you like that.

She is MBA = Married but available. She is available to everyone who is rich and generous. Thats it.


*** About your story:
It is not new. It happens daily out there. I have read many stories like this in Vietnam, Philippine, Thailand, Indonesia. Dont worry, you are not a special case.

*** About Vietnamese woman:
We nowadays are independent. We can work and spend our own money, help family, saving for future, go travel, help others... Of course, some Vietnamese woman will highly appreciate support from their boyfriends, husbands but it is not compulsory. Besides, theres more and more gold digger these days.

*** Why I say that you are cheated/ being take for a ride?
1/ She started talking about how I could not make her life better  You see, she know how to dig you very well. Yes, you could help her life better by sending her money, buy her luxury things, take her to US and once she gets the PR, after she suck all of your money, she will kick you right away.

2/ She blocked you 2 times on facebook
2a/  When you comment on her FB that you were with her..: she angry and block you because she scared that her family, friends will know that she was with you. So funny! She is a 34 married woman with 3 kids of 2 different guys, not a naive virgin 15 years old girl, please. Oh I scare that my mommy and my daddy will scold me because I was with the man  oh, I feel sick of that

2b/ Im too sick to remember why she block you 2nd time: I can assure that she doesnt want other guys know that she is in relationship with you.  Why?  she keeps contact with other guys to get money from them (at the same time with you)

3/ She has told me several times that when she comes here (mean US?), she really wants to work  Why she cannot work in Vietnam, in her original country with her mother tongue language? She also has a good establishment from her business family as well. Why need to wait until she comes to US  different country, different languageWhen she will do?  In her next life, I think. She doesnt need to work because you guys always support her, she just spend time to count money instead of working.

4/She told you that you can sleep on her bed, then she cry bcoz the neighbor see you there and they will say this, say that  Haha, I cant stand this drama story. She is Vietnamese and she should know that it is not so nice to have a man, especially Western man to stay over. However, dont forget that she is 34 married woman with 3 kids of 2 different guys. Theres no any talkative neighbor say anything. She just does that to make you have to be responsible for her, to show you that she have to bare the neighbor talking about her (because of you, huhuhu)


5/For a vietnam woman to go somewhere is not easy.  Yes, she did it for me.  And I could see on her face how hard it was to be away from her children => Yeah, it is not easy to go somewhere, so she has to catch this chance to go to US with you. Dont believe what you see on her face, she can act.

6/ One other fact, she gets extremely car sick.  Even taking the local taxi is gets her.  You can't hide that.  So, to travel is not something she would do offhandedly  She just bare the car sick for few hours then she got thousand US dollars, so easy for her. It seems that you are easy to be touching by such a small thing and she know that very well.

7/ She uses skype, Tango, viber, FB  All for chatting with guys

8/ "sorry, I not keep my phone", sorry, the internet is slow.  But, when I was there, she always had it with her except at home when it was charging. Yes, she told lie, she cannot say that sorry honey, I was busy chatting with other guys. Next time, she may tell you sorry, I forgot my phone at home or friend homeblab la


*** What should you do with her now?
- Tell her that you will go there and live with her for 3 months, you will try to spend all the time with her. I bet that she will not agree, how could she spend time for other guys when you are around.
- Tell her that your business is running down (just white lie), you are unable to support her now. You money is away but your love is still the same.
- Have 2 -3 male friends to approach and flirt her (on FB, viber ), they should tell her that they are rich, generous and they are going to travel to Vietnam. They like her, want to meet her and have serious relationship with her
- Just pretend to ask her where did she has the Iphone (which she current use). When she is not around, check the Serial number to know where is that Iphone come from. I think she still has a lot of electronic things, stuffs which sent over by foreigner guys.


*** What should you do in your future date/ relationship?
- Please do NOT let the girls know that how rich you are. Let them love you - yourself before loving your thick pocket
- Show them your point of view that you like the independent woman, not the ones who just insist in using guys money. If she is Ms right, you can support her later, it is not too late then.
- If the girl loves you, she will introduce you to all her family, her friends, you can feel free to comment, post on her FB. She will happy to receive your calls/ messages, not all the time late and say sorry, my phone not with me

Well, my comments getting long now. I hope it works in somehow. Sorry if I say anything wrong. You are a nice guy, you will meet your nice girl soon. Just be patient, have the cold head and warm heart. Dont be attracted too much in the girl appearance and let your heart blind then. Good luck!

P/S: this is the longest comment of my life. Hope that I dont need to write any long one like this again, haizzzz!!!!

fredgo wrote:

Thanks to everyone's advice here and privately also.  I will confront her about this in the next few days and see the reaction.  Will also stop the money flow too to see what happens as has been suggested.

That's very smart. You certainly don't want to end up like this guy ;-)

susu83 wrote:

- If the girl loves you, she will introduce you to all her family, her friends, you can feel free to comment, post on her FB. She will happy to receive your calls/ messages, not all the time late and say sorry, my phone not with me

Em yeu, co ong xa khong? ;-) Just kidding, but I agree 100% with your overall comment. There are so many warning signs it's hard to count them. The challenge for a foreigner in Vietnam is to know the true intentions of the woman. It's not easy when you don't speak the language and can't understand the interaction between her and her family and friends. Are you an ATM with two legs or does she really love you? But I believe that if you're patient and willing to take your time, you'll eventually find out before it's too late.

Either way, make sure and keep us updated.

man....you sound like a nice guy but a dummy...if this one don't suck you in....the next one will...you are Kach-ing Kach-ing$$...getting a foreigner is a big big industry in vn thai cambo lao etc,etc...wake up smell the ugly truth and enjoy the one your with.....when that don't work...move to the next one...sounds mercenary but it is you that is the target and you are being played....keep it nice and casual...it's only pussy and it is in abundance everywhere....get one no children....( many have'em)...... and they have a GOOD job that brings in good money.....protect yourself

Sorry to hear of your unfortunately experiences but what you must really accept is that most Vietnamese people (particularly women) cannot be trusted. This is true, irrespective of what some others may tell you. What I say is an absolutely honest and correct statement. So, now what is best for you is to put distance (both in physicality and thought) between you and this person and do not concern yourself with the experience (which I am most confident hundreds, if not thousands of expats before you have experienced, as well). If you continue to pursue this romantic fantasy with a Vietnamese woman, you most likely will suffer further regrets in addition to financial loss. Please do not listen to anyone else propose anything different or even suggest that what I am telling you is not to be believed.

Dr. G wrote:

Sorry to hear of your unfortunately experiences but what you must really accept is that most Vietnamese people (particularly women) cannot be trusted. This is true, irrespective of what some others may tell you.

Maybe you always make friends with some girls in the bar, so your experience about Vietnamese people is very simple. Sorry, my English is not good enough to express what I want to say. But if you cant make friends with educated people, that's your fault... Many people around me, they never lie anyone. They dont have time to do that! They spend time for family, for studying...

If you are marrying someone you should never have doubts about that person. If you do then you need to think about marrying her. It looks like you're being played by her from reading your post. People will do anything to get that ticket to the States and will leave you once they get what they want. I have seen this happen to a lot of American guys. Just feel bad for them. I'm Vietnamese and I don't trust my own people half of the time. Just be careful.

@fredgo: the first time she was angry with you, I think I can understand. Because she went to Saigon with you, I am sure she must tell lie to her family. But the second time, she blocked you on Facebook, I don't know why. Because you visited her house, saw her friends and even you send money for her many times. If she is a good woman, she never spend your money to buy air-condition, and something that is not too necessary. Because she is poor now, and she received money from the man, who is not her husband. Many women in North that I  know, they never spend money of their boyfriends like that.
And Vietnamese women who are polite, they never talk about weight to their boyfriends like she did. They always try to be polite when talking about your weight.

If you visited her and her family many times, you can comment anything about your relationship. And she must feel happy about that. But no, she blocked you. Because she had some problems and she tried to hide you. Let her go. Find another woman. You are a good man, I think you can find a wonderful, kind woman.
Many lazy women always want to live in your country, and they have plans and do anything to make their dreams come true. Be careful!

No dear, I have never spent  time with girls in a bar. The women of whom I am referring to are not necessarily ones who hang around bars; although they are probably included within the group that I am referring to and I am absolutely right in what I have said here previously; although because you are a Vetnamese woman, of course, you would disagree with me - I would expect that from you.

Dr. G wrote:

No dear, I have never spent  time with girls in a bar. The women of whom I am referring to are not necessarily ones who hang around bars; although they are probably included within the group that I am referring to and I am absolutely right in what I have said here previously; although because you are a Vetnamese woman, of course, you would disagree with me - I would expect that from you.

Not because I am Vietnamese woman. I know nowadays there are many lazy girls/women who always try to get married with foreigners because of money. But all guys have right to choose a suitable woman. Women only have right to agree or not.
Someone said, tell me who are your friends and I will tell who you are. I am wondering why you always have Vietnamese friends who can't believe. Why? Why? Why? 2^1000 times.
Sorry I am trying to improve my English writing, I hope you can understand what I wrote.

ngattt wrote:

Not because I am Vietnamese woman. I know nowadays there are many lazy girls/women who always try to get married with foreigners because of money. But all guys have right to choose a suitable woman. Women only have right to agree or not.
Someone said, tell me who are your friends and I will tell who you are. I am wondering why you always have Vietnamese friends who can't believe. Why? Why? Why? 2^1000 times.
Sorry I am trying to improve my English writing, I hope you can understand what I wrote.

I also know another proverb: Don't devalue the others to raise yourself up.

Dejavu.dot wrote:

ngattt wrote:

Not because I am Vietnamese woman. I know nowadays there are many lazy girls/women who always try to get married with foreigners because of money. But all guys have right to choose a suitable woman. Women only have right to agree or not.
Someone said, tell me who are your friends and I will tell who you are. I am wondering why you always have Vietnamese friends who can't believe. Why? Why? Why? 2^1000 times.
Sorry I am trying to improve my English writing, I hope you can understand what I wrote.

I also know another proverb: Don't devalue the others to raise yourself up.

Sorry dear, I tried to explain to him that, if he can't have a good friend, that is his fault first. In Vietnam, there is a proverb: chọn bạn mà chơi. Please help me translate it into English if you can. I use mobile...

This is some sentences that I read in the Internet,and I tried to translate them to English...

Never blame anyone in your life:
- The good person makes you happy.
- The bad one gives you  experience.
- The worst one gives you a lesson.
- And the most wonderful one will give you good memory.

- Do not promise when you are happy!
- Do not reply when you are angry!
- Do not decide when you are sad!
- Do not laugh when someone are sad!

- What is bought with money, that's cheap!
- We need three years to learn how to speak, but a lifetime to learn how to listen.
- The journey of a thousand miles always begins with one step.
- Do not hate someone, when they havent done wrong to you.

ngattt wrote:

Sorry dear, I tried to explain to him that, if he can't have a good friend, that is his fault first. In Vietnam, there is a proverb: chọn bạn mà chơi. Please help me translate it into English if you can. I use mobile...

This is some sentences that I read in the Internet,and I tried to translate them to English...

Never blame anyone in your life:
- The good person makes you happy.
- The bad one gives you  experience.
- The worst one gives you a lesson.
- And the most wonderful one will give you good memory.

- Do not promise when you are happy!
- Do not reply when you are angry!
- Do not decide when you are sad!
- Do not laugh when someone are sad!

- What is bought with money, that's cheap!
- We need three years to learn how to speak, but a lifetime to learn how to listen.
- The journey of a thousand miles always begins with one step.
- Do not hate someone, when they havent done wrong to you.

You have many nice proverbs! Thanks for your sharing. I think you don't know how he is yet. Shouldnt teach him cos I feel he is older than us.I myself also made a big mistake that I always remember.. No one around me can believe that I can make that silly mistake if I tell them. Making mistakes isnt bad at all. You can learn something on it. If you see there is something wrong about his belief, it just means that it is right for his life.. doesnt mean wrong as you imagine.

All of us have our own experiences and lessons.

Hi fredgo, it's a longest post I've ever read on this blog. Anyway, thanks for your sharing.

Here is my thinking :

1. Firstly, in Dec, you chatted with her so much. I think it's just because she wanted to share things with a stranger guy; she felt relax when doing so . And things shared to strange foreigner are much easier than to share with a Vietnamese guy. ( I know because i did take a long time to chat with a stranger girl outside VN )

2. Secondly, she has 3 children already, 2-broken in marriage, so she has a reason to worry about the 3rd marriage with you ( If happened ). I think what  she want now is large amount of money to support her family life, to grow up her 3 children. She won't care about love anymore.

OR she doesn't believe in your love. How come a stranger us guy can love her and her children as well as her big family.

3. If you want to come with her, I think you should spend more time to go to meet her face to face, not Viber, not facebook. Try all your best to let her believe in your love ( Not by using your money to buy things for her family ). When you spending more time with her, you will know clearly about her. All you have told is just what she chatting with you, may not 100% true.

4. If the result is not as your wish, do'nt be sad ! Because there're still lots of lovely-not-married women in Vietnam. Just because your luck hasn't come jet.

5. Finally, we're just out-standers, our comments are just our thinking, the decision is yours !

Thanks!  I really did read your whole post!

ngattt wrote:

@fredgo: the first time she was angry with you, I think I can understand. Because she went to Saigon with you, I am sure she must tell lie to her family. But the second time, she blocked you on Facebook, I don't know why. Because you visited her house, saw her friends and even you send money for her many times. If she is a good woman, she never spend your money to buy air-condition, and something that is not too necessary. Because she is poor now, and she received money from the man, who is not her husband. Many women in North that I  know, they never spend money of their boyfriends like that.
And Vietnamese women who are polite, they never talk about weight to their boyfriends like she did. They always try to be polite when talking about your weight.

If you visited her and her family many times, you can comment anything about your relationship. And she must feel happy about that. But no, she blocked you. Because she had some problems and she tried to hide you. Let her go. Find another woman. You are a good man, I think you can find a wonderful, kind woman.
Many lazy women always want to live in your country, and they have plans and do anything to make their dreams come true. Be careful!

yes.  That is the problem.  There is no reason to block me as I am her fiance.  All I get right now is not to talk about it but just trust.  And that most vn women do not put their "love" on facebook.  And it is kind of true.  I have seen on other's facebooks that they keep it private.

The thing is that I told her Friday night it was over.  I did not want to marry her.  I wrote her an email saying everything.  So, I left not much out.  Since that night, I have not had contact with her until this morning.  She has sent me many pictures from her birthday party.  Sent me messages.  But, I was silent until this morning.  Her friend is trying to help and despite my telling her not to say anything she did.    Yes, my bad.

Anyway, she said the reason my fiance doesn't want to share with me on her facebook is because I was jealous.  that was it.  As I wrote everyone already, I have not acted out on my jealousy.  Only told her about my concerns.  Yes, I am human and feel jealous, but I would never act on it. Never.  Yet, that is what she said.

So, I broke my silence this morning.

And told her not to tell people that I am a "jealous fiance".  It is not true.

We chatted more after this, and then she had to sleep (true, it was 01:00 there) and I have to work also.

So, there is more, but, more and more, I don't think it is a scam or a ride, but, the point of all of this: do I respect myself enough to be treated like this?  No.  And I have two children to think about of my own.  Guess I am getting sobered up and reading some of these later posts, well, this is just not right for me.

I told her what I wanted.  And I cannot accept less.  I want on her facebook and for all to know that I am her fiance.  I do not need to chat with her on facebook and write love notes there.  Hey, I understand some things are meant to be private.

But, put a picture of us together for the world to see, change the status to engaged/married and I can move on happily.  It will answer many here who say she is hiding me in case others are also sending money or she has others.  This is my resolve though.  Maybe later we can dispense with the facebook thing altogether.  But, for now, I want it public.

Pardon me for putting this in your post, but to answer many who are considering her a "tramp" really.  A gold digger.  If that were true, she'd have a man already and be in the US.  Wish I could show your her face.  But truly, for her, it would not be a problem at all and she would have snookered someone already.

I really do not care who she chats with or calls.  That is a world I do not want to enter as it will consume any man with jealousy and a lot of lost time and energy.  I just need it public, then as some have hinted, anyone that has the hots for her, will stop.  I would.  Ant that is where I will stand my ground.

Thanks for you post!

if she don't get you...another will...you are plain dumb mister

Dude:  My ex-girlfriend gave me her password on Facebook, and all her email accounts because she had nothing to hide.  If she had ever blocked me on FB, I would have ended it then and there.  Why haven't you?

I think you need to put your big-boy pants on and end this drama.  If you can't find a better woman, you should be alone.