Loneliness when you're abroad

I want to move to Germany, and that's what I'm afraid of the most !
I will leave my parents, my family and friends to go in a place where I don't know anybody

When I feel lonely, I call my family or good friends. We speak a lot about everything, and after such talk I feel OK

I have lived in differenct place all my life so i never had the chance to have ''best friends'' for years and years even as a child just  because im moving all the time...so  i just meet new people  and live the moment later we will see..

its really hard when u r movign all the time  but by all this years i got use to be alone and feel confortable with it  however whenevr i meet people who has the same sens of humeur and hobbies etc.. i really appreciat being with them.

happy i like swimming, and reading books lonely activites :-)

in somecountries its easier than others although all depends on my stad of mind when im happy on my own  and confortable in my dialy life then i atrracted intresting people and be able to be happy with others.

[moderated: completely off topic]

steverd wrote:

Do you expats think being lonely overseas is fundamentally different from being lonely in your home countries? I'm moving to Ukraine in January, and I'm wondering if the loneliness I suffer here will seem like nothing compared to the loneliness I'll feel when I arrive in Ukraine. I relocated 3 years ago to a city where I knew nobody in the USA, and it seems that after all this time here, I still have no good connections. So I'm thinking maybe it won't feel a lot worse than I feel usually here...maybe I'm deluding myself. Probably am

Thanks for any thoughts.

Steve

In my experience it is only a shade different from relocating to a different US city, although I relocated to a country where I allegedly already spoke the language.  I had my spouse in both places, which makes for good continuity and support, also.  I just force myself to get out there and take on experiences that will eventually lead to social connections, ie work, volunteering, health club, special interest groups, church.  I strike up conversations with strangers that are a bit out of my comfort zone, but those have led to helpful connections.  I would do the same in a new American town.  If you're open to the language and culture, I don't think it will be as daunting as you think. Looking back, I was miserable in a suburb of Chicago many years ago, but have been relatively happy (albeit initially bored) in England.

www.clairecraigevans.blogspot.com

I do think loneliness becomes a state of mind , I have been on my own now 4 years and cannot get used to it .... I had to move and with that my job and home of 14 years went , I have e-mail pals but it is not the same as having a  ' hugable ' pal , some-one to share with ....I have been in this region of France just over 18 months and went mad exploring as much as I could get to by bus and train but now I'm thinking time to move again ....trying to find things to occupy me all day doesn't make it any easier ....
I think the first few months will be exciting to you discovering all sorts of things , if you're going to work then you'll get to know people that way ....Here's hoping it won't feel any worse than it does now .... bon chance

Msn, text messaging, computer games, usually how I avoid/overcome loneliness. I tend to get out to local gigs and events too as I try not to sit in and play games all the time as its really not the best solution, but, being able to text a friend when I'm away and get them online even just for an hours gaming tends to help me simply because I am doing something with them.

Again its only a temp solution so if you are working you'll meet people that way and if not then I found joining groups, take up a class of some sort usually works, I once took up an art class which was only 2 hours a week but it still got me socalising.

Best way to overcome loneliness in my opinion is just to keep busy and to put yourself in a situation to socialise.

I have been in Bangkok for about a week now and im finding i am feeling a bit inside my own shell and definately a bit of loneliness is creeping in. I have loads of great friends all over the world but none in Bangkok...yet!
I can certainly sympathise with much of what has been expressed by others on here and its actually been a big comfort to read through all the posts so thankyou to each of you for sharing i appreciate it.
I hope you all find what you need in life and best of luck to each of you in your new homes

So anyone else in Bangkok looking for a new friend? please feel free to message me.

Regards Andy

I taught in Incheon for 2 years.  I found that the best friends I made came through the churches I attended.  There were also lots of activities to be involved in.

(moderated: off topic) (Note: for job offer please post in the classifieds. Thanks)

I'm glad you introduced this topic, Julien!  I moved to Shanghai five months ago and before that, I'd never known lonely.  I found lonely in Shanghai.  I'm a very upbeat person, pragmatic, but optimistic.  I traveled to several other countries before coming to China but I'd never known anything like the kind of loneliness I've encountered here.  In China, the loneliness almost seems to be a living being all on its own.

I teach English which means that I'm rarely understood the first time I speak whether in the classroom or in conversations, and I usually have to repeat myself.  A lot.  Sometimes it feels like I go whole days not understanding or being understood.  I unfortunately don't speak the language, although I'm armed with books on Survival Chinese!  Still, I enjoy my students and appreciate how hard they work.  I have a lot of respect for what they're doing. 

As Wanderlust 23 said, I get stared at quite a bit, even in a bustling, international metropolis like Shanghai is (pop. 20 million), which contributes to a feeling of "Otherness."  As genial and welcoming as many of the locals are however, when I am approached it's often in a manner of such excitement, I'm immediately put on my guard.  Especially when they're total strangers and want to "test out their English."  I read once that the Chinese tend to view foreigners (laowai) either as gods or wild animals.  Neither is particularly inviting and judging from some people's responses (or glances), I've been regarded as both.

There's a large expat community here in Shanghai which helps.  Still, this is a city full of people, whether Chinese or foreigners, who are here to make money, myself included.  This isn't conducive to building real and lasting friendships since the business of making money is a busy one.  Still, I've managed to create a social network consisting of Chinese and foreigners, young and old, men and women alike.  At any given time there's someone I can call and try to get together with over lunch or lattes.  Add to that my love of books and, as someone else on this forum said, when I have a book, I'm never alone.

Still, it's a loneliness so deep that I can't quite put my finger on its source.  It could be made up of many things, most of which I mention here.  It could be that I'm on the other side of the world from those I love the most.  Or it could just be culture shock like I've never known. 

I'm learning that as long as I include a mixture of all three of my main loves - traveling, reading, and socializing - in my life, I can keep the loneliness at bay.  Except when I can't.  I keep waiting for it to disappear with time but it hasn't yet so I just look at it and let it be.  Perhaps China is a place in which loneliness is meant to coexist.  I'm not sure.  At any rate, I'm only here for one academic year so I'm determined to make the most of it!

...i drink...

Last time when i felt loneless , I realized that it needs to wait for some short period and everything become to be cool.
Just a litle patience. If you are in a New place of living , there are always a lot of places you can vizit and see and lot of staff to do/
Sometimes lonely is really time when you are yourself.

In martial arts there is a great deal of importance put on the state of emptiness as essential for self-knowledge. When I felt lonely in the past I tried to use that feeling as a catalyst for more understanding, rather than allowing loneliness impress itself upon me.

Sometimes it was like walking a tightrope, especially since I could be curious enough to want to investigate any state of mind (a little too much) rather than quickly letting it go naturally on its way.

Martial arts taught me to stay in the flow, and take any negative and turn its energy around.

But what about times when you just can't get any time alone!? That's the flip-side I suppose. Everything in balance.

Julien wrote:

Do you often feel lonely when you're abroad?

I personaly suffered on week ends while I was in the UK. Even if I had several friends, I often missed my family and friends (from home). So I walked, visited museum, went to concerts, worked more... What about you?

What are you doing when you feel lonely?

Oh I am in that situation now. I am from Australia living in the UK for 5 years untill I am able to get permission of residency. Than I will move to Vienna Austria.

I am a really open person, I trust people however gaining trust and respect from the Scottish in General is the hardest thing I have ever had to encounter. Dont get me wrong I have a smal group of friends which I will keep for life but it has been very hard to feel accepted. I have been here for 3 years.

Austria cant happen any sooner.

i agree that having a good book is always a good company. i can never be bored with a book at my side.

but at least we are now living in a high-tech time, so keeping in touch via email or chat is waaaaaay easier than snail mail (and having to wait for weeks for a reply, i can imagine).

going to different places is fun, as one gets to soak up the culture of a country, though i am always struck with homesickness after the newness of moving to a new country wears off (i was an erasmus mundus student, so moving and studying in different universities was a norm) ... i was lucky to have had supportive friends

I have not experienced loneliness here in Colombia, probably because I came with the built-in network of my wife, her family, many mutual friends and work. We also have a country home in a small village. This has provided us with new and highly valued friends. 

If you speak the local language, like people and are culturally flexible you are going to have many opportunities to converse and make friends. I'm pretty sure that if I started to feel lonely here in Medellin, I could find a sustainable, interesting conversation in less than an hour. If I really liked the person it could develop into a friendship fairly easily. Colombians do tend to be friendly but I think that most people are if given a chance.

Phil Bunch
http://pbunch.wordpress.com/

I read when I feel lonely. I read to help with culture fatigue as well -- sometimes it's nice to feel completely emerged in a small world of English words. Having that time to myself gives me more energy to be social at other times and more interest in practicing my language skills when I'm not lost in a book.

Lonely..it is nice to find out that I am not all alone being lonely. When I worked in Rabat, Morocco I was all lonely for the first few months. Most of the time I was hooked over the internet, watched TV, hang out with my boss- since only both of us at the country office then [ the worst experience even after office !! ] for coffee and "flirting and fishing" activities [ was not successful story anyway hahaha] and went to bars and night clubs and ended up woke up very late next day, and again my boss called for another coffee ! Geeez...Barely I did not make any close friends at all. Then,after 6 months through a friend, I was introduced to another friend, and from another friend to another friend and ended up I have "a family" in Morocco. After that day, my days spent in Morocco was a real blessed and one of the best experiences that I have had in my life. I was indeed blessed. Now that I am in Qatar, it has been 8 months and I experienced similar situations like when I was in Morocco-minus the commitment to boss after work lol . Sometimes, I felt lonely to the max ! Qatar being a tiny little country in this region [ you can explore the whole Qatar in one day ] make my situation worse and as for now, stay at home and surfing the net talking to the family and friends back home. It is like Deja Vu ! Yes, so many expatriates from different nationalities here, but my observation they tend to mix within their own nationalities and cliches [ which is not so me]. I am working out on a personal project and hopefully, it will keep me busy and occupied once it is kicked off. I hope and pray, it will be like in Morocco again ...just a wish and a pray !

i feel lonely when i was the first time in france , after knowing the language you start feeling better.

One thing I've done here in Popayan is to take the bus (even though I could afford taxi) to the central park. Enjoy a coffee, people watch-laugh, so many folks are at times knuckle-heads, like me....see a tourist, ask 'em if they speak English,
etc... More than once I've found they are glad to encounter an
expat who speaks English. I live here...speak Spanish, they don't and seem at times to be a bit afraid...helps me pass the day when I'm bored.

Yes, I often feel lonely since I came to China three years ago. I don't want to chat with the people online because it's boring. I like talking face to face. And in my leisure, I like shopping online to get cheap but special goods I want.

Loneliness abroad is a terrible thing.
Much worse than loneliness in homecountry.
If anyone lives in Tampere and wants to have a cop of coffee with
me ,IŽm glad.IŽm a Finn and can help if someone needs help with authorities or cultural issues.
IŽm now visiting Germany, but back home in 2 weeks.
Have a good time!

I am from the Philippines and currently based here in Bermuda. I'm here for almost 3 years now and being on my own wasn't that bad - at first. I've always been able to do things on my own and I wasn't exactly seeking friends/company. They just sort of happen to me. But now, I think I'm starting to feel that loneliness and I just feel that I would want to surround myself with people. It's a bit difficult because Bermuda is quite small and though they say Bermuda has a "swingin'" expat life, it's not exactly the sort of things I engage in. I'm trying to look for things I can get involved with but not successful. And my friends, who are also looking for things to do here, are clueless as well. If anyone here is from Bermuda or knows things that we can get involved with to ease that loneliness a bit, please feel free to drop a line.

As Richard mentioned above, at least here in Colombia, it is easy to take public transportation to a coffee shop or other such place and strike up a conversation. If you are limited by language seek out tourist spots where people who speak yours may be found. If you speak the local language take advantage of all the opportunities to learn by meeting people.

Hey guys, try living in countries like China where nobody understands English leave alone French and others, and to add salt to injury, they dont use same characters as we do when writing, on top of that, restaurants are all in Chinese and so is everything in the stores. The city is huge and all the Chinese Men smoke anyhowly and spit anywhere any time regardless its a subway hotel you name it. And you get a recipe of being a pissed off person with beer at home all the time because even t.v channels are all in Chinese and google with its problems here all you have is the Chinese Baidu.

i've been living in the UK for almost 3 years,and start feeling lonely now.I mean,it was fine during one or two years after i came here,coz everthing seemed to be new to me.And now,notihng is fresh,my curiosity has gone away.. what's worst,i dont drink,which makes me harder to get involved with native. Though i do hang out with Brits sometimes,but it's difficult to make friends with them,languague might be one of the barriers. That's when loneliness begin to bug me..

Nillah wrote:

Hey guys, try living in countries like China where nobody understands English leave alone French and others, and to add salt to injury, they dont use same characters as we do when writing, on top of that, restaurants are all in Chinese and so is everything in the stores. The city is huge and all the Chinese Men smoke anyhowly and spit anywhere any time regardless its a subway hotel you name it. And you get a recipe of being a pissed off person with beer at home all the time because even t.v channels are all in Chinese and google with its problems here all you have is the Chinese Baidu.

to Nillah,

i,as a Chinese, totally understand your situation.Locals dont speak English at all,even in the capital Beijing.That's quite annoying.I took two of my British friends to Beijing last summer,and they complained about that as well.Somking is another issue which i could not stand either.People seem to smoke everywhere. But i mean, there are a lot more terrible things' gonna happen as you stay longer..however,you might find something better then you've imagined before,such as the hospitality of pekingese.I mean if you start to learn Chinses,and try to accept different cultures.Your life would definitly be easier.. That's what i've leant since i came to the UK 3 years ago. Good luck in China.

XX

I am an expat living in Isaan Thailand. I have never felt lonliness in the village. Then I came back to OZ to care for my Mum and feel very lonely. THATS A TWIST. I guess Im doing the right thing. My wife will visit from Thailand soon.

I strongly agree with BryanŽs recommendation on learning the language. If I did not speak Spanish here in Colombia I could find English speakers but I would be cut off from the vast majority of people.

To some extent we all experience culture shock. Many of the issues Nillah mentioned are aspects of this problem. Accepting that others live differently but that the differences are mostly superficial helps a LOT. When it comes down to the basic human needs, emotions and interests we are really pretty similar. Each culture puts a different slant on them. Language is a major component of culture and learning it goes a long way toward understanding the context.

The smoking is a pain in the hind most. This from an ex-smoker :-)

thaihouseresort wrote:

I am an expat living in Isaan Thailand. I have never felt lonliness in the village. Then I came back to OZ to care for my Mum and feel very lonely. THATS A TWIST. I guess Im doing the right thing. My wife will visit from Thailand soon.

I also find village living to be very engaging. Our time is split between Medellin and a small village in the nearby mountains. I think all villages have the advantages and disadvantages of small towns every where. I am guessing that Thailand may be better in this regard than many western nations due to the Buddhist context.

I registered axpatblog in order to overcome my first week in the USA

Julien wrote:

Do you often feel lonely when you're abroad?

I personaly suffered on week ends while I was in the UK. Even if I had several friends, I often missed my family and friends (from home). So I walked, visited museum, went to concerts, worked more... What about you?

What are you doing when you feel lonely?

I really feel lonely because LA is so big city and I know almost nobody.

u feel that loneliness in life specially when u r at d other place where u were.. just make urself busy til u where not feel lonely about urself.. relax n think other things to solve d puzzle in ur mind.. how to solve all ur difficulties in life.. make ur mind busy.. for sure ur not feel lonely..

hey i just came back from the uk, and already missing english. so if anybody english speaking would like to meet me, would be pleasure! can help with anything! let me know!

I actually love living here and I've never been happier. But sometimes, I do feel lonely. I live in a flat that I share with three other people. However, we are nowhere near being close friends, let alone friends. I get along very well wit one of them. The other one is hardly ever around because he spends a lot of time with friends from his country that he's met here. And my other flatmate, well, we don't get along at all.

You obviously meet a lot of people going to university but I'm not really friends with the people on my course. The thing is that they're here to get their degree. And that's it. I guess that makes it so hard to actually be friends with them. The other thing is that they keep complaining about what they don't like about life in the UK instead of appreciating this opportunity.

I do have friends outside of university, as you might have guessed. I have one really close friend and lost another very good friend because the situation became too difficult for him. Anyway, that one really close friend that I have is moving down south later this year. I want to move to Scotland next year, where I will have to start all over again, making friends etc.

steverd wrote:

Do you expats think being lonely overseas is fundamentally different from being lonely in your home countries? I'm moving to Ukraine in January, and I'm wondering if the loneliness I suffer here will seem like nothing compared to the loneliness I'll feel when I arrive in Ukraine. I relocated 3 years ago to a city where I knew nobody in the USA, and it seems that after all this time here, I still have no good connections. So I'm thinking maybe it won't feel a lot worse than I feel usually here...maybe I'm deluding myself. Probably am

Thanks for any thoughts.

Steve

I do not actually think that it's that different. You can be lonely anywhere. When I was living in Germany, I moved out of my parents' house to go to university down south and I was feeling quite lonely. I lived in that country for many years and still, I felt like a stranger. Back in England, I feel lonely sometimes, too, and I would say that feeling lonely is much the same in any country. Then again, I guess it also depends on how attached you feel to that country. If you really love that country, then I would say that you can make it through all that. Presumably, it simply takes a while to set up your life entirely. Sometimes, it is just differences from one region to another.

I think it takes a lot of courage to make friends in a new country or surrounding. One has to be prepared to be rejected and meet cold people as well as anticipate making new friendships and relationships which will make one's like comfortable in this new place as well as learning new cultures. I think the main thing to do is to take the initiative,go out of our way and try to be as friendly as we can. The locals tend to be suspicious of foreigners on most instances so one has to dispel their fears by being friendly. The other potion would be to visit social places(safe ones) eg church and selected cinema halls. All things work out eventually.
hope this helps.

It's easy to feel isolated even though you're surrounded by millions of people..especially if there is a language barrier. I find that when I do little things like cooking my favorite meal, writing my thoughts and experiences in a journal or going for a run can really help to clear the head. Skyping friends or family can also be an inexpensive breath of fresh air.