My life in China

My name is Fabrice and I come from Belgium. Now I'm located at Shanghai.
Maybe it's the opportunity to explain my (unfortunately bad) experience in China and share with you.
There are few years ago I was in China. But before this period time I meet my wife(she' s Chinese) the first time in China and we got married, had a baby(a girl), leave China to live 2 years in Belgium. There's 4 years ago we come back again in China, Guiyang city in Guizhou province.
In second time in China we got an another baby, a boy. A lot reasons and problems pushed us to the divorce. In fact to resume a little the situation when we started the life, for my wife I needed to success to care of all. The house, the children ,work and other stuff.
I believed I can success to do it but finally I'm just a human. I tried to take patience with her and let her focus on new business. However starting a wedding live in couple it's meaning for me share the best and the worst and help each other. After few years like this that makes a bad relationship between us.

So I begin to explain from my second comeback in China there's 4 years ago and it was already not a good environment about family because of the bad relationship.
If you ask me what's the hardest thing in the live I'll answer you to take care of a baby alone without help and nobody to speak with me because I'm foreigner and can't speak the language. Staying at home all time and almost alone because of the bad relationship with my wife is really hard to support. But a baby need to take care 24/24 hours and my wife never understood this. She was hungry against me because I can't work and she felt alone to support the family. I answered her we can exchange the place I work and you take care of the baby and we shall see if it's so easy to success to work for you. Never mind and so we didn't understand each other. The true is that I never trust in my wife to take care of the children, the only one was me and we had nobody else to help us.
To care of a baby and try to do an another work or do an another thing it's a foolish.And not possible. I already tried it and get several time a sick.
I remember this period time, even it wasn't the worst, I just eat one or two times by day.
Have some blackout on my brain and need to stop what I'm doing a little time because not enough energy,
The problem was not really me, it was dangerous for my son if I hold him when the blackout come.
I depended on only my wife because I can't go outside, my baby needing me at home.
My wife was really angry against me and just buy one or two time the food for me.
Sometime if my baby didn't finish all his milk, I finished instead of him or to eat just red hot pepper(lajiao). I advice you never eat red hot pepper with the stomach empty you'll feel like hole of fire in your body.
The only moment and place I can eat normally one time by week it was in my wife's parent home. That allowed me to get enough energy to start a new, hard and long week.
Stay at home all the time, nobody to talk with, always exhausted and disputing with my wife day by day, week by week, month by month spending almost two years like this the emotions become very bad. In fact two bad things happened to me :
-The first I become really sad. And I felt if I can't let my sadness come out from my soul then I'll get a sick and can't continue to take care of my son.
So I needed to wait everybody leave home and also had to wait my baby falling asleep.
After this I went alone in an empty room and started to cry like a child and let my sadness and all my tears come out. I didn't known if I can tell I felt better or not but I tried to be ready for the next time, again and again during almost 2 years.
-The second is about lost the control of myself and try to keep calm. Before when I read some news I didn't understand how it's possible some parent hurt their babies and even sometimes can kill. But now I can understand why it's possible.Some parent it's because they are bad. Ok, but the most are good and because they have no help to take care of their baby, their mind is pushing over the limit, it's too much for them and become so crazy they can hurt their baby or even kill. But don't put the fault on them. Put the fault on the people that didn't help them.
So I was in the same situation and began to lose my mind. After get up few hundreds time because your baby need you the mind is not clear because doesn't take a rest.
You just want one thing : it's the cries stop and you have some bad ideas come inside your mind.
I just found the only solution for me : I went far from my baby, taked a knife and pushed against my body enough strong to feel really pain. The pain allowed me to come back at the reality for a time and to remember a very important thing and it's like a promise to myself : if I must to hurt someone that'll be me first and never my baby.

Of course I never talk with my wife what's happened because of the relation. After a time my wife decided to travel 20 days alone because her emotions are not good and she was too much stressed. Ah? Ok.
Of course as always alone with my son to take care,  I stayed in the same room during 20 days like a prisoner. Not possible to go outside it was the winter. Before to travel my gentle wife bought for me some instant noodles(and nothing else), the problem was not enough for 20 days. Fortunately her parents brings me some food, one or two times by day that allowing me to survive.
I understood the parent are busy because they take care of my daughter so I didn't complain about it.
The real trouble come after when my wife come back from her travel.She was angry against me because that stink inside the room where living the baby and me. It seems I'm bad father and can't take care of my son. I answered her if that stinks it's because you let me alone at home with the baby, maybe If I travel like you I'll smell good!
I think she didn't like my answer and decided to take the baby in her parent's home. The parent take back to me after one month because my son cried all the time and looking after me. Few month after we finished to rent the house which we live together inside and we become separated. I started to live inside some hotels.
My two children were with my wife and her parents. They hide to me the children inside their home. Of course I was not welcome anymore and the only moment I can see my children it's when they go outside from school or from their home. Very short time in fact, less than one minute because the school was just under the parent's home. Sometime I stayed under the home in the night just to listen their voice. I also remember during a Chinese New Year I waited more than 8 hours just to wish my daughter an happy new year. Often waiting few hours for nothing and never saw them. My wife and her parent were angry against me because the neighbours start to ask some questions, why were I staying in front of your home ? So after an another year my wife decide to divorce and take a lawyer.
But we have no choice and I finished to accept the agreement of divorce against my will. In this time there's no left too much money on me. So I decided to accept the agreement, that allowing me to see my children during few month and for the last time. About this agreement I needed to give money every month but I known I can't hold and respect the agreement too much time if I don't find a job. Without help it was not possible and I didn't receive. On the end I explained to my ex-wife but I received always the same answer from her : "I have no time to help you".
So I finished outside with my luggage and found a dark and hidden place to finish my life. I was too shame to see my children and also shame to ask some help to my family in Belgium. I didn't want disturb them because they have some difficulties about the live too.
I was desperately lost and the first day at the New Year(first January) I went to sleep inside a graveyard.  You'll ask me, you're crazy ? Yes, desperate mind can make some desperate thing. It's sure it's the only place I can be alone and I'm not afraid from the ghosts (even I feel a lot in this place). But above all it's a best place for me to pray all the night and ask to the gods to forgive me for my mistakes, if they could.
The next morning I left it and soon the money disappeared more and more until no left. So it's meaning no food. But no drink it was the worst. I needed to choice between drink or eat. I choice drink water, thirsty death is really more awful than starving to death. Of course after 10 days don't eat almost nothing the body is so weak then even climb upstairs is a challenge, wore than old people. Sensation of feeling hungry go away but painful, it's like my stomach starting to eat myself. When I realised maybe I live my last moments I decided to send a last message to my mother even she'll be afraid and sad I'm dying. At least to let her known the true and say her goodbye forever. So I 'borrow' some electric from a building to load the batteries of my phone and try to find free wifi. During I write my message I really get hard to finish it because my tears fall down on the screen on my phone and mix with the words. I really believed it was the last message of my life and so much sorry about my mother.
After come back to my hidden, dark, dirty and cold place I can tell it's worst moment of my life I felt so much alone. No family, no friends, no relatives and lie down alone in the shadows with rubbishes, with the winter very cold, so much weak because almost starving of death and inside my brain had more and more flashes. I hold in my hand one toy, a little car belonging to my son and a drawing made by my daughter for me. If I leave this life at least my last thoughts will be for my children. However my wish was the death caught me quickly and stop to suffer. I can't describe with words how is to slide slowly but surely into the dead.
Suddenly I was wake up by someone, it's was the father of my ex-wife. My mother in Belgium didn't accept my fate and contact the family of my ex-wife. So her father was looking for me and found me after few hours. In fact the true it was not important I die or not for the family of my ex-wife. The most important was their reputation. I saw my ex-wife too, she gave me some money to leave here and I understood like this : "I give you some money to die far from this place but not here".
But they are right about one thing, if I die my children'll get some problems in the future.
So I decided to live, went to hotel and ask some help to my family in Belgium.

Before this we have a meeting with her parents, my ex-wife, the police and the administration. About it the parent of my ex-wife were angry against me because their neighbours knew I lived outside, so not good for their reputation. And I supposed they called the police and administration about it. To resume this meeting all the people advice me to come back in my country and if I make some trouble again I'll be pushed out from China. I keep calm and just answer let me a chance to find a job here. I didn't try to explain my story to them and how is hard to be a foreigner, never have help, never speak to anybody during few years. And above all can't see my children during few months. It was no use to talk with them.
My feeling on this moment was this  : "To be alone and alone against the world."

I noticed I can't find job in Guiyang, too much poor city and nobody speaks English.
So I decided to move in Shanghaï and at least here I can communicate and have more opportunities to find a job. My purpose is to try staying in China. Even after this (bad) experience I have nothing against my ex-family or hate someone. I'm just a father that trying to stay in the same country than his children and a day hope see them again...

Fabrice