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Need advice to live with separated girl

Hi everyone. I have been in a relation for 2 years with a girl who is separated. I was thinking of moving there with her. But I have heard stories warning me of this. Is it true about extortion,  being arrested, and maybe death? Her ex has another family and yes I believe he knows of me. She tells me he does not care. He lives on a different island now. And is it difficult for someone like me who is not retired yet, I am 56 years young, to live there? We plan on opening a small business. She is a province girl who is trying to get her life together after being married and abused for 13 years. She married right after high school and I helped her get her 1st ever real job. She is 35 years of age and never worked a real job until this year. Thanks guys. And girls.

It is dangerous. Also, the Philippines does not have divorce YET (There is a divorce bill being passed in congress right now). You will technically be living with a married woman if you go through with this and it can lead to harassment and a case of adultery filed against you or your girlfriend by the disgruntled ex. Who can then proceed to extort you for money, have the police extort you in return for dropping charges, etc. It is dangerous and yes it can lead to death and it has happened. Everyone is friendly until jealousy sets it.

There is a way out. Stay far away from the province she is in right now. You will be much safer in large city like Metro Manila for instance. Do not leave a forwarding address to anyone, not even relatives. Just leave a phone number.

Salamat. She just informed me that if I pay her "ex" 50k pesos he can sign papers and we will be ok. I know a lot about the legal system there, but I know this is the start of extortion. She has lied to me in the past and the lies stopped me from starting the payments of anullment.
By the way, her "ex" works jobs moving around the islands. He is now in Manila. She is in Cebu. His current pinay lives in Bohol.

This sounds dangerous especially since you are saying she lied in the past.  There are many decent women who would love to meet a nice guy. I do not know your relationship but from the information you have provided, I would say, end it for your own good.

its okay to befriend a filipina... but dont marry her unless she is anulled.. we dont have divorce in the ph .. so you have to wait more time.. Just stay there wherever you  are..  or file for a spouse visa if you really think your inlove with her...
   or il give you some filipina whos not commited to someone else.. single and maybe educated

Why would you want to even consider being with a woman who has constantly lied to you. Who knows they may still be together and are both using you for extortion purposes.  I would find another SINGLE woman.  There are plenty out there without all the excess baggage.

I am wanting to move to the philippines sir someday soon after I can build a savings. I fully retire in 6 years. So when I save maybe $75000 is dollars I think that time I move there. I would rather have a very simple life. Even province life is good for me. I have been there 2 times already and lived the simple life and love it. Unless I find a girl to help support me until my retirement, but this is against my beliefs.
Salamat sir

Damn good advice !!!!! Leave now !!!

Stemik62 :

I am wanting to move to the philippines sir someday soon after I can build a savings. I fully retire in 6 years. So when I save maybe $75000 is dollars I think that time I move there. I would rather have a very simple life. Even province life is good for me. I have been there 2 times already and lived the simple life and love it. Unless I find a girl to help support me until my retirement, but this is against my beliefs.
Salamat sir

So you wait 6 years and then retire to the Philippines on your own terms.  It will be good practice for you to have some patience, plenty of which is required to live in the Philippines.

so if you find a Girl before your retirement and she can support you, you will move here and wait for your pension, how nice of you and how cleaver, but then you forget to explain if you here  how will you save $75,000 dollars ?? I think you are trying to con some poor Filipina here,

No sir. Not trying to con anyone. My job here I can save $75000 in less than a year. I only said what I said in case there was a filipina who would do this. I fully intend to come with a savings. And my plan is to have enough for basic living for 6 years from my research of the cost of living until my retirement. Also I am learning the basics of building a website to help support myself when I am there as a supplement. Again what I said was if there was a filipina who would do this I would consider this. Sorry if I show disrespect to any filipina there.

Paying her legal husband P50K (given they are even legally married) will do nothing to make things okay. You obviously have doubts and should go with you gut instinct. However, love is blind. Stay off dating sites, where I presume you first met her. And, Mugtec offers sound advice.

Unless you are well off financially or have some unique life-skills to offer, you will be hard pressed to find any reasonably well-to-do women in the PH that will support you or even financially contribute relationship wise in retirement. 99% of the time its the other way around. Hopefully you will have some sort of pension as 75k savings, even invested wisely, may not permit a very comfortable retirement here.

Never never pay a single centavo to the legal husband of your girl friend ! In the context of annulment the two parties should not agree that they want to separate ! If the two parties will agree for a separation it will be considered as a divorce and divorce is illegal in the Philippines and it will be a failure. So, do not pay, the husband will try to block the process and it is the best case

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Wadja
I appreciate your comment calling me stupid without knowing me personally sir. If you have to apologize in parentheses then maybe you should not have said that to begin with, or just pm me with that comment instead of publicly saying this.
I came on this site to seek advice but on this site I seem to have found many degrading comments as well as some sound advice. I know the laws there, I have talked with lawyers there. And I will gladly leave this site as soon as I contact the admin to remove my profile. I now know that the filipinos and filipinas are much more respectful than the expats. When I do move there my life will be as their life. I do prefer the hard wooden beds with no foam and mosquitoes to comforts of luxury.
Goodbye ug pag-amping

Stemik62 :

Wadja
I appreciate your comment calling me stupid without knowing me personally sir. If you have to apologize in parentheses then maybe you should not have said that to begin with, or just pm me with that comment instead of publicly saying this.
I came on this site to seek advice but on this site I seem to have found many degrading comments as well as some sound advice. I know the laws there, I have talked with lawyers there. And I will gladly leave this site as soon as I contact the admin to remove my profile. I now know that the filipinos and filipinas are much more respectful than the expats. When I do move there my life will be as their life. I do prefer the hard wooden beds with no foam and mosquitoes to comforts of luxury.
Goodbye ug pag-amping

Hopefully you will seriously consider the sound advice provided here and not worry about insults from people you will never meet or have to deal with.  Hopefully you will realize that the potential problems you are setting yourself up for go beyond laws and lawyers.  Good thing you don't require the comforts of luxury, hope you don't crash too hard from your Rocky Mountain High.  Good luck.

I got lost in this conversation. whatever it happens or whatever is going on, i have no idea, he is trying to find a woman to support him till pension, good luck on that and good luck sleeping on wooden beds and mosquitos, but they bite remember that.

No sir. I am paying for an anullment for the girl I have been with in long distance relation for 2 years now. And yes I have been there 2 times to meet with her. 12 years of physical abuse proven by health records. She is the only one I come for there.  Process started already. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A GIRL TO SUPPORT ME.
And to mugtech
Rocky mountain high????? Really
Admin can not get me off this site fast enough.

You wrote:"I now know that the filipinos and filipinas are much more respectful than the expats.".
Expats tell you truth,because they do not need your money. Philippinos will leak your ass,because of $ 75000 US. Do not be naive. :-) (I tried to be veeeery polite now,but you can imagine what I think about you... ). LOL.

Stemik62 :

And to mugtech
Rocky mountain high????? Really
Admin can not get me off this site fast enough.

Just a John Denver joke, hope you can smile during your exit.  Good luck.

Simply block this site, try another or several, you will find the same answers, listen and learn. Dealing/having a relationship with a married woman is fraught with danger and remember she may be the battered wife scamming with her husband and their 5 beautiful children to secure a better life for all. Are you the 4th or 5th in the scheme of things?
Perhaps I misread your calling for help/advice on an impersonal and at times harsh medium such as this site, you did tell your story and ask and got the answers and advice you were not looking for, what did you expect? Observe, learn and respect comments contributed by others.

Cheers, Steve.

Yes I had the answers. I directed her to a reliable lawyer and a legal separation. She had just started working her 1st ever job at the age of 35, and the 1st time ever she lives in Cebu City now. She was naive to what others there was telling her. I directed her to a respectful law firm there. 1 and a half to 2 years for the annulment and 95% chance of approval. I have talked directly with the lawyers. I will move there after the annulment is final, unless she wishes to come here after her sons graduate. We video daily from her job and her home there. Not every filipina is after money. Most are yes, but she is starting to support herself now more and more. Yes I do pay 5k pesos for her apartment. She pays the rest with her 13k a month, water, electricity, load, food. And her sons will come with her during school break, then back to her parents house in the province.
Call me stupid if you wish, but when my time comes at least I know I helped someone in need and give her all the love she needs. I was frustrated when I 1st came on this site because of not knowing what to do. Answers from here, law firms there and here, and the PhilAm society ( I met a couple people 2 years ago from there) here in Denver all helped.

Thanks mugtech. Maybe 20 years since I heard that song at least. I forgot about hat song. All is good. I thought you was referring to our stupid marijuana laws here. Another reason I want out of here.

Stemik62 :

Thanks mugtech. Maybe 20 years since I heard that song at least. I forgot about hat song. All is good. I thought you was referring to our stupid marijuana laws here. Another reason I want out of here.

"You're better off with a joint than with a drink, I think" Pure Prairie League from I'll Fix Your Flat Tire, Merrill.

ok i am out on this one. no help given no help taken, nice one.
i have good advise for you, take a chance in life, only way to know for sure

Hi everyone, I have been with my present Filipino wife for  10 years now, married 9 years, before that i had another of bad experience with Filipino women some separated wanting money to be given to hubby to sign papers this is a scam, also a foreigner getting  involved in a annulment process not a good idea the price goes up, and could make things worse and may not get the annulment , also you pay for it and the girl ends up marrying another Filipino man.
I get many people I Know asking me for my advice, I meet this girl online i love her, going to meet her, I try and explain red flags they all take no notice of what I say, they all get their finger burnt.
My advice to anyone wanting to meet a Filipino meet one who single no kids who works, keep well away from separated ones, they could still be married living with hubby, i know I married one before i meet my present wife, and friends and family will keep quiet, so just be careful.

aussiekiwi, I guess you both. I to believe you gave good advice to some people here,
must be single no kids, never been married, and have a good job, to me this is perfect if you could find one ??

samangelevski :

aussiekiwi, I guess you both. I to believe you gave good advice to some people here,
must be single no kids, never been married, and have a good job, to me this is perfect if you could find one ??

Tons of decent Filipinas that meet those requirements here, but yeah, it takes a little effort to find them.   I think many of us get hooked on the first sweet girl we meet here, and often times she's not the most compatible for a relationship.  Still better than the alternative, I suppose.

Good luck to  Stemik62  with the annulment and moving forward.  Too many nice single girls here for me to ever go down that road, but I'm not gonna judge.  And not sure if anyone mentioned it, but it's not illegal to kill a man if you catch him with your wife.  Something to think about!

samangelevski :

aussiekiwi, I guess you both. I to believe you gave good advice to some people here,
must be single no kids, never been married, and have a good job, to me this is perfect if you could find one ??

Allow me to join you please,

In the Philippines, millions of decent, young, educated, graduated, working, single girls.

If you go to bars, you will only see the s*** of the society, only the bad and the worst,
If you go to business centers, you meet the business girls
If you are desperate and you chat via websites, you only get the desperate girls also who cannot compete with good girls and is trying to find a stupid horny foreigner who is easily giving everything for her.
I have been living in the Philippines for years, get this advise: " Do never marry or meet any girls who is not single, beautiful, educated, and independent financially" even if you are not educated, or not with decent life, you should not go to the left over women...
remember why I call some girls the leftover, because no man (especially no Filipino) would like her or accept her, so why would you?

Finally: in the Philippines, the rate of girls is like 3 or 4 girls for 1 man , which means that millions of girls including the top level ones cannot find a local partner and are ready to make a good family with you.

wadja :
samangelevski :

aussiekiwi, I guess you both. I to believe you gave good advice to some people here,
must be single no kids, never been married, and have a good job, to me this is perfect if you could find one ??

you should not go to the left over women...
remember why I call some girls the leftover, because no man (especially no Filipino) would like her or accept her, so why would you?

Was just discussing this with wife last night as we watched so many expats at the mall with their wife and HER kid.  Single mothers are ostracized here (or as you call it, leftover) because the Filipino guys are very entitled and spoiled.  Most of them have multiple kids scattered around, but they won't date a girl with kids.  Hypocrisy, but that's how it works here.

In the western world, it's very common to date a single mother, so when foreigners come here, they don't see anything wrong with dating separated, divorced, or single mothers....especially if they already have kids of their own.  Very hard for Filipinos to understand that, and they always assume the worst anyways.

Personally I wouldn't, but I had no previous kids or marriage....so it wasn't unreasonable for me to expect my bride to be the same.  For others....up to them.  Just have to be smart about it.

expatsteve48 :
wadja :
samangelevski :

aussiekiwi, I guess you both. I to believe you gave good advice to some people here,
must be single no kids, never been married, and have a good job, to me this is perfect if you could find one ??

you should not go to the left over women...
remember why I call some girls the leftover, because no man (especially no Filipino) would like her or accept her, so why would you?

Was just discussing this with wife last night as we watched so many expats at the mall with their wife and HER kid.  Single mothers are ostracized here (or as you call it, leftover) because the Filipino guys are very entitled and spoiled.  Most of them have multiple kids scattered around, but they won't date a girl with kids.  Hypocrisy, but that's how it works here.

In the western world, it's very common to date a single mother, so when foreigners come here, they don't see anything wrong with dating separated, divorced, or single mothers....especially if they already have kids of their own.  Very hard for Filipinos to understand that, and they always assume the worst anyways.

Personally I wouldn't, but I had no previous kids or marriage....so it wasn't unreasonable for me to expect my bride to be the same.  For others....up to them.  Just have to be smart about it.

I agree but depending on the person..
If it is love, no comment, ... (impossible to fall in love with a woman who doesn't speak your language, share your dreams, walk on your side and you feel proud of her, understand your accent, watches your movies, etc...
Do never imagine that making sex with a woman makes her love you or you love her too 
here comes the profile of the foreigners in the Philippines
If your profile is over 60 years young,  or lazy to search, or physically not attractive, or bad attitude (alcohol, drugs, ...)  and you want a ready woman who will feel lucky to be with you, you can be contented with a s woman with no education and with kids, because she is cheap and has no choice except to date you and to act love with you, or you can pay a young single prostitute from a bar to marry you.
if you are a man with social life, you can never marry a woman with no education or social level, because you need someone to share your social life, not to be your maid, and your sexmate only.
If you are someone looking for long term relationship, you should think to make your own kids, not to sponsor the kids of another man, remember that every time you see these kids, you see the face of their father who is laughing at you in their eyes.

Again, it will depend on the man first and his expectation, cheap men get cheap women , good men get good women

I read the posts here, no do I agree or disagree to any of you guys, you all have different views on a Woman or a Girl, call me old fashioned Guy but I do believe in Love, and I think if you do then love can find you any way, do not have to be Philippines, I like comments from wadja, I think the guy has been trough a lot in his life, and never got over it yet, but I hope he can one day, and find love again, this site can be good for a Man or it can put him off the relationship he is all ready in or even thinking to make it permanent, looks to me and sounds to me as, TRUST NO ONE BELIEVE NO ONE, is the life we have to live here??? what is life with out trust and believes ??? the same as if some one tells you do not LOVE again..

Hello Stemik62,

I understand somewhat of the situation you are in. I lived with a Filipina in the Philippines for 2 1/2 years who was also separated. I was led to believe that she was single and had no children. I put that specifically in my dating profile at the time. Imagine my surprise when after I had flown from the US halfway around the world to meet her in Cebu City, I found out a month later she was not only separated as in, STILL MARRIED, but that she had a daughter too (and they were not speaking to each other and lived in different cities). I should have called it quits then, but I did not. Cupid's arrow had already deeply embedded itself into my heart.

We were successfully together all of the next 2 1/2 years with some periods of difficulty. Tampo being one of them. It's when your Filipina shuts down emotionally, refuses to speak with you and just sulks... sometimes for the rest of the day and for no apparent reason. Think moody but on steroids!

I too have heard of how dangerous it can be if while in the Philippines you are found to be in a co-habitating relationship with a married woman, separated or not. Looking back, I was fortunate as we always acted like we were married and considered ourselves to be. In our hearts we were married, but that doesn't count when it comes to the law of the land, so I would advise being very, very careful and consider your options.

It is most difficult to get an annulment in the Philippines and VERY expensive. Divorce in the Philippines is not possible so what is one to do?! It is an extremely unfortunate situation that the law puts women and men into. What about abuse (as you mentioned)? Is there no quick and legal way out except to just separate? I don't know. So now, I'm in a quandary as to what to tell you next. I really don't know. I am sorry you and she find yourself in this mess. Just go with your heart and be forewarned. It could be dangerous for you especially, and then again maybe not. But to just leave her may not be an option for you. I wish you both the best.

I shall be short in my comment. I totally agree with Wadja. May be our personality is same. Unfortunately Stemik62 seemed to misunderstood him. I don't think that Wadja meant to be rude to him, rather he was trying his best to warn Stemik62 in a friendly way not to be ''stupid''. Friends sometimes do use this word to each other when the purpose is to protect each other from getting problems. Any how I am sure that paying ex-husband even a single centavo will trigger more demands and never ending pressure. Stemik62 should read all the good advices ex-pats have given, analyse them with open eyes and act in a way he himself feels is good. My good wishes to Stemik62.

I live in Mindanao, and have been here over a year. I married a wonderful lady here in Surigao del Sur. I had many choices prior to coming here. What shaped my opinion to choose the woman who became my wife was that she had no baggage, except a loving family. I have gone from city "kid" to farmer, and I'm enjoying every minute of my life.
Having been here for a while, my advice is to, (quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail) Run away, run away! As I've stated, there are many wonderful and lovely choices of women here. Not only does the Philippines not have divorce, but property is community property, even what you've brought to the marriage.
So, far too many times I've heard and seen of too many difficulties resulting from a woman being "separated".
I guess the question is this, would you date a married woman where you live now? Because that is what you're doing now.
Best of luck to you.

Go slow, very very slow.

Stemik62 :

Hi everyone. I have been in a relation for 2 years with a girl who is separated. I was thinking of moving there with her. But I have heard stories warning me of this. Is it true about extortion,  being arrested, and maybe death? Her ex has another family and yes I believe he knows of me. She tells me he does not care. He lives on a different island now. And is it difficult for someone like me who is not retired yet, I am 56 years young, to live there? We plan on opening a small business. She is a province girl who is trying to get her life together after being married and abused for 13 years. She married right after high school and I helped her get her 1st ever real job. She is 35 years of age and never worked a real job until this year. Thanks guys. And girls.

Yes, those stories are true. Some of those foreigners were conned, which is why it is important to do due diligence if you want to have a relationship with a woman from a foreign country. You are on the right track to have sought the advice of a trusted lawyer and direct your girlfriend to them instead of relying on hearsay.

It's unsafe to flash money around, but even more unsafe to have very little.  To live here, it would be best to have a constant source of income, i.e. a pension / SS benefits / retirement fund. For savings, aim for at least $100k (around PhP 5 million). A female expatriate here once had asked for advice on how to get money to pay for a PhP700k emergency heart surgery, for which did not have any funds. Avoid getting into that situation. Get your health in order before coming here.

As for a small business, you cannot put a sole proprietorship under your name. There are a lot of sound advice on setting up a business and buying property in the Philippines here on this site. Just ignore the insulting posts and keep your expat.com account to get in touch with those who can actually help you with your plans of moving here.

If you are willing and able to adjust your lifestyle and be open-minded, you will do well here. And I think you will especially when you said, "When I do move there my life will be as their life. I do prefer the hard wooden beds with no foam and mosquitoes to comforts of luxury." I've been a member of this site for a long time. There are foreigners who would not give the Philippines a chance because, on their visit, the hot cocoa they ordered was too hot, or that tiled floors were too slippery. If you are like them, just don't bother coming here.

FilAmericanMom :

There are foreigners who would not give the Philippines a chance because, on their visit, the hot cocoa they ordered was too hot, or that tiled floors were too slippery. If you are like them, just don't bother coming here.

I don't know...I ran out of tissue and just about slipped in the CR trying to tabo this morning, and then burned my lips on my Milo afterwards...horrible country!   lol

But seriously, great post.  I think a lot of us use forums to vent, so we can put our best foot forward IRL.  It's not easy sometimes.  We're all still learning and trying to prosper here, and actions speak louder than words.  Filipinos rarely complain, as it's not in their nature, and typically futile.  So it not easy for a Filipino to understand why a foreigner would complain and still stay here....you understand that having seen both sides.  :)

Perhaps I could request posters refrain from insults of any kind as these tend to cause a lot of problems.

Hello everyone,

I am closing this thread since the initial poster is no longer on the website. Also, some posts have been removed.

All the best,
Bhavna

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