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Absolutely Anything Else

This forum doesn't encourage off topic chat is its primary function is a mutual help forum where expats can share information and help each other out.
That in mind, if anyone has the urge to chit chat, tell jokes or just blabber on about nothing important, I've created a thread for just that.
The usual controversial political stuff is a bad idea, but most of everything is fine.

Two flies on a turd. One farts..the other says "Do you mind? I'm eating my dinner!"

This lumberjack had been chopping trees in the mountains for six months and had started to get lonely. So he wanders down to the local store and asks what everyone does for entertainment around these parts.

"Well we don't have any girls, but we do have this old geezer round the back." says the storekeeper.

"Absolutely no way!" shouts the lumberjack, and he heads back up the mountain to chop down more trees.

Three weeks later, he returns.

"Hey....have you still got that ....erm.....old geezer round the back?" he asks. "The only thing is, I don't want anyone to know about it."

"Oh don't worry about that, nobody will know about it, just the five of us."

"FIVE???????" shouts back the lumberjack.

"Yes. You, me, the old geezer, and the two blokes holding him, coz he don't f*****g like it either!"

A man walked into a psychiatrist's.

"How can I help you?" asks the psychiatrist.

"Well there's nothing wrong with me. I've actually come to see you about my wife. She thinks she's an orange!" replies the man.

"How strange!" says the doctor. "Well, where is she?"

"Oh, she's here in my pocket" replies the man.

Another man walked into a psychiatrist's.

"How can I help you?" asks the psychiatrist.

"Well there's nothing wrong with me. It's my wife. She thinks I'm a puppy!" replies the man.

"Well please lie down on the couch" says the doctor.

"Oh I'm not allowed on the couch" replies the man.

I ate a McD yesterday
My wife was out and I was far too lazy to cook so the phone was activated and the mother of all meals was delivered.
The explosions were this morning.

Two peanuts were walking down the road.

One was assaulted (a salted).

Q: Where do girls have dark curly hair?
A: In Africa.

A man on a train was really desperate to take a dump. The only thing was that the toilet on the train was broken. Finally he can't wait any longer and pulls down his pants and does it out the window.

Just at that moment the train pulls into a station.

Two thugs just happened to be standing on the platform as the train pulls in. One says to the other, "Did you see that bloke in the train? He just blew a raspberry at us! Tell you what, you grab his cigar and I'll punch him in the mouth!"

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It really doesn't matter. It won't come anyway!

Did you hear about the two Scottish benders?

Ben Doon and Philip McCrack....

Q: How do policewomen part their hair?
A: Evenin' 'all.

Q: What are the rules of a nunnery?
A: Lights out at nine, candles out at ten.

Q: What pleasures do monks have?
A: None (nun).

A man was seriously injured in a car accident and woke up in a hospital bed.

The doctor came over and said to him, "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs. But the good news is that the man in the next bed has offered to buy your shoes."

In a different hospital, a man arrived with a damaged leg from a motorbike accident. The doctor took one look and said he had to operate immediately.

After the operation, the man woke up in a hospital bed and the doctor came over to speak with him. "I have some good news and some bad news", he says. "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg. But the good news is that the other leg is getting better."

Two nuns were taking a bath together. One says, "Where's the soap?". The other replied, "Yes it does, doesn't it?"

Q: Why was the monk kicked out of the monastery?
A: He had a very dirty habit.

A man was walking down the road when he sees what appears to be dog poo in the middle of the sidewalk. He looks down at it carefully and thinks, "Well it looks like poo." Then he rubs it with his fingers, "It feels like poo." Then he smells it, "It really smells like poo." Finally he licks it with his tongue, "It certainly does tastes like poo."

With that, he walks on and says, "Thank God I didn't step in it."

What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common?
Access time.

I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride.  She will find out why his company is named Microsoft.

Confucius say...

The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows.

Never trust men with short legs, brains too near bottom.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

He who stand on toilet high on pot.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution
in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honourable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling
crazy, feeling nuts. 

Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Athletic finger make broad jump.

Foolish man give wife grand piano.
Wise man give wife upright organ.

He who eats cookie in bed have crummy night.

Man with bitchy wife wake up with itchy trigger-finger.

He who throw dirt is losing ground.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

This guy looks out his window one morning and notices a big gorilla in the tree in his front yard. He calls the Humane Society and tells them all about it, and they reply, "Don't worry, we will send out our best man, and he will know how to handle this."
Sure enough, the Humane Society truck comes along in a bit and backs into the guy's yard. A man gets out carrying a shotgun and leading a big vicious looking dog. So the homeowner comes out and asks, "How are you gonna get the ape out of my tree?"
The man says, "Here's the plan. You hold this shotgun and I will climb the tree and shake the branches until the gorilla falls. Then this trained dog here will grab him by the balls and drag him into the truck."
The homeowner says, "Okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"
The Humane Society man replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you make sure you shoot that damned dog!!"

An elementary school teacher is giving an American History lesson to a class of youngsters.
"I regret that I have but one life to give for my country," intones the teacher. "Who said those famous words?"
Everyone in the class sits quietly. Then a shy young Japanese girl raises her hand and says "Nathan Hale, in 1777?"
"Correct," replies the teacher. "Who said `All men are created equal?'"
Again, the class is quiet. Again the shy little Japanese girl raises her hand and replies "Abraham Lincoln, in 1863?"
"Very good!" exclaims the teacher. "Now, who said `Speak softly and carry a big stick?'"
Once more the class sits quietly as the little Japanese girl hesitantly raises her hand. "Theodore Roosevelt, in 1905?"
"Correct," responds the teacher.
This goes on for a few more questions until the teacher, now perturbed, exclaims to her class, "Aren't you all ashamed of yourselves? All of you Americans are ignorant of your own country's history, while this young girl knows more than you do, and she's Japanese!"
"Fuck the Japanese!" shouts a young voice from the back of the class.
The teacher looks around angrily, "Who said that!"
The young voice responds, "Harry Truman in 1945!"

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