Absolutely Anything Else

Two flies on a turd. One farts..the other says "Do you mind? I'm eating my dinner!"

This lumberjack had been chopping trees in the mountains for six months and had started to get lonely. So he wanders down to the local store and asks what everyone does for entertainment around these parts.

"Well we don't have any girls, but we do have this old geezer round the back." says the storekeeper.

"Absolutely no way!" shouts the lumberjack, and he heads back up the mountain to chop down more trees.

Three weeks later, he returns.

"Hey....have you still got that ....erm.....old geezer round the back?" he asks. "The only thing is, I don't want anyone to know about it."

"Oh don't worry about that, nobody will know about it, just the five of us."

"FIVE???????" shouts back the lumberjack.

"Yes. You, me, the old geezer, and the two blokes holding him, coz he don't f*****g like it either!"

A man walked into a psychiatrist's.

"How can I help you?" asks the psychiatrist.

"Well there's nothing wrong with me. I've actually come to see you about my wife. She thinks she's an orange!" replies the man.

"How strange!" says the doctor. "Well, where is she?"

"Oh, she's here in my pocket" replies the man.

Another man walked into a psychiatrist's.

"How can I help you?" asks the psychiatrist.

"Well there's nothing wrong with me. It's my wife. She thinks I'm a puppy!" replies the man.

"Well please lie down on the couch" says the doctor.

"Oh I'm not allowed on the couch" replies the man.

I ate a McD yesterday
My wife was out and I was far too lazy to cook so the phone was activated and the mother of all meals was delivered.
The explosions were this morning.

Two peanuts were walking down the road.

One was assaulted (a salted).

Q: Where do girls have dark curly hair?
A: In Africa.

A man on a train was really desperate to take a dump. The only thing was that the toilet on the train was broken. Finally he can't wait any longer and pulls down his pants and does it out the window.

Just at that moment the train pulls into a station.

Two thugs just happened to be standing on the platform as the train pulls in. One says to the other, "Did you see that bloke in the train? He just blew a raspberry at us! Tell you what, you grab his cigar and I'll punch him in the mouth!"

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It really doesn't matter. It won't come anyway!

Did you hear about the two Scottish benders?

Ben Doon and Philip McCrack....

Q: How do policewomen part their hair?
A: Evenin' 'all.

Q: What are the rules of a nunnery?
A: Lights out at nine, candles out at ten.

Q: What pleasures do monks have?
A: None (nun).

A man was seriously injured in a car accident and woke up in a hospital bed.

The doctor came over and said to him, "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs. But the good news is that the man in the next bed has offered to buy your shoes."

In a different hospital, a man arrived with a damaged leg from a motorbike accident. The doctor took one look and said he had to operate immediately.

After the operation, the man woke up in a hospital bed and the doctor came over to speak with him. "I have some good news and some bad news", he says. "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg. But the good news is that the other leg is getting better."

Two nuns were taking a bath together. One says, "Where's the soap?". The other replied, "Yes it does, doesn't it?"

Q: Why was the monk kicked out of the monastery?
A: He had a very dirty habit.

A man was walking down the road when he sees what appears to be dog poo in the middle of the sidewalk. He looks down at it carefully and thinks, "Well it looks like poo." Then he rubs it with his fingers, "It feels like poo." Then he smells it, "It really smells like poo." Finally he licks it with his tongue, "It certainly does tastes like poo."

With that, he walks on and says, "Thank God I didn't step in it."

What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common?
Access time.

I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride.  She will find out why his company is named Microsoft.

Confucius say...

The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows.

Never trust men with short legs, brains too near bottom.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

He who stand on toilet high on pot.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution
in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honourable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling
crazy, feeling nuts. 

Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Athletic finger make broad jump.

Foolish man give wife grand piano.
Wise man give wife upright organ.

He who eats cookie in bed have crummy night.

Man with bitchy wife wake up with itchy trigger-finger.

He who throw dirt is losing ground.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

This guy looks out his window one morning and notices a big gorilla in the tree in his front yard. He calls the Humane Society and tells them all about it, and they reply, "Don't worry, we will send out our best man, and he will know how to handle this."
Sure enough, the Humane Society truck comes along in a bit and backs into the guy's yard. A man gets out carrying a shotgun and leading a big vicious looking dog. So the homeowner comes out and asks, "How are you gonna get the ape out of my tree?"
The man says, "Here's the plan. You hold this shotgun and I will climb the tree and shake the branches until the gorilla falls. Then this trained dog here will grab him by the balls and drag him into the truck."
The homeowner says, "Okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"
The Humane Society man replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you make sure you shoot that damned dog!!"

An elementary school teacher is giving an American History lesson to a class of youngsters.
"I regret that I have but one life to give for my country," intones the teacher. "Who said those famous words?"
Everyone in the class sits quietly. Then a shy young Japanese girl raises her hand and says "Nathan Hale, in 1777?"
"Correct," replies the teacher. "Who said `All men are created equal?'"
Again, the class is quiet. Again the shy little Japanese girl raises her hand and replies "Abraham Lincoln, in 1863?"
"Very good!" exclaims the teacher. "Now, who said `Speak softly and carry a big stick?'"
Once more the class sits quietly as the little Japanese girl hesitantly raises her hand. "Theodore Roosevelt, in 1905?"
"Correct," responds the teacher.
This goes on for a few more questions until the teacher, now perturbed, exclaims to her class, "Aren't you all ashamed of yourselves? All of you Americans are ignorant of your own country's history, while this young girl knows more than you do, and she's Japanese!"
"xxx the Japanese!" shouts a young voice from the back of the class.
The teacher looks around angrily, "Who said that!"
The young voice responds, "Harry Truman in 1945!"

Are we allowing profanity on this thread?

Yes I think it's allowed. But you should check with the Indonesian Expert to confirm it before you post that kind of joke.

Bad language is discouraged as the forum is open to be read by everyone.
Such posts have to be edited.

Paddy and Murphy were sitting in a pub having a pint when suddenly Paddy notices a dog in the corner licking itself between it's hind legs.

"I wish I could do that" says Paddy.

"Give him a biscuit and maybe he'll let you", replies Murphy.

What post is offensive? Something I posted? If so:
SSSOOORRRRRRRYYY. That was not my intention.

After reading lukereg's comment, I have just realised that many of my jokes are either dirty, racist, sexist, crude, possibly offensive to the mentally challenged, offensive to certain religions, and overall not politically correct. Therefore please delete them. I can only think of jokes about chimney's being to young to smoke and traffic lights saying "don't look when I'm changing".

I think all jokes I know are about nationality (polish, scot, dutch, american, ... jokes), religion (Jewish, moslim, catholic , ... jokes), skin color (jokes about asian people, black (ow, this is politically not correct, even if the skin is really  black), white  (ow, this is politically not correct, even if the skin is really white), ... jokes), profession (laywer, doctor, ... jokes).

In other words, I do not know one single joke that is certain to NOT insult some kind of people.

To Lukereg: are jokes still permisible in the current world of 2017?

Bad language has to go because it's bad language.
Politically incorrect isn't so bad as long as you have a go at everyone, not just one group, AND no one objects.

We live in a world where, at least in some countries, people are far too scared to tell a joke in case it upsets someone, and I'm unsure that's desirable.

-----------------------------

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting '
England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

Q: What is six inches longer, got hairs at one end and a hole at the other?
A: A toothbrush.

Q: What is long, thin and full of semen?
A: A submarine.

Mom and dad were away on business so they decided to let their four year old daughter stay overnight with uncle Bill for a couple of nights.

As uncle bill was putting on his pajamas, the little girl managed to catch a glimpse of Uncle Bill naked. "What's that ?" she asks pointing at his thing.

"Erm.....that's my....erm....that's my pet swan." he replies thinking of the first thing that comes into his head.

Anyway, they go to bed, but in the middle of the night Uncle Bill wakes up screaming in agony.

"What have you done! What have you done? yells Uncle Bill.

The little girl replies, "Well Uncle Bill, I started stroking your pet swan when suddenly it started spitting at me. So I broke it's neck, pulled it's nest apart and smashed it's eggs."

Here are a couple of jokes that should not offend anyone:

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke.

Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don't look when I'm changing.

A man walks into a doctors with a big mole on his cheek.

The doctor says, "How can I help you sir?"

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I've got this horrible thing growing on my arse.", replies the mole.

Alex Hurricane Higgins the snooker champion had just gotten married and was on honeymoon with his new wife.

"Well Alex", says his wife, since it's our wedding night, I'm going to let you do it any way you want", she says, and takes up the doggy position.

Fifteen minutes later he still hasn't started, so she asks, "Why are you taking so long?"

"I can't decide whether to go for the brown or the pink" he replies.

This American tourist was on holiday in Rome and was visiting the Vatican, when suddenly to his amazement he saw the Pope come out into St. Peter's Square and speak a few words to a poor old tramp dressed in rags.

The next day he went to the Vatican again and exactly the same thing happened. The pope came out into the square and spoke a few words to the poor old tramp.

The following day the American tourist decided to come earlier and as soon as he saw the old tramp offered to buy his clothes for a thousand dollars. Then wearing the dirty old rags, he wandered around St. Peter's Square hoping that the Pope would come out and bless him personally.

Sure enough, the Pope appeared and started walking towards him. As the Pope approached him, the American tourist got down on one knee waiting for the Pope to bless him,.

Finally the Pope came up to him, and whispered, "Listen you filthy little mongrel. If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, just piss off out of here you dirty piece of sh**."