Seek for wisdom & good vibes.

Hi Scarlet Nguyen,

I appreciate your sharing and vulnerability.
Not every person are able to be vulnerable like you to share.
And it's really good that you've expressed yourself, since it's the first step to healing.

And I'm totally related to you, though I haven't earned big money like you and don't have those deceases you have. And I also don't have a child to raise.
But at many points in my life, I thought that I'm worth more than I'm currently right now, and just ask myself why do I have to run after money. I'm just like you, currently seek something which both feed my soul and my stomach at the same time and totally by myself.

I may not have exact answers for what you ask for, but I will just say what I think. I think many of what I will say, you already know, but I will just go ahead and say it:

+ Focus on solution and not problem.

+ Don't need to compare yourself with anyone, sometime even don't need to know what they're doing, it would lead to jealousy. (I was jealous when you said you were able to get a 1billion contract).

(I unfollow all people on Facebook to not see where did they go, what did they do, who did they meet, etc)

+ If you really need this work for money, but hate it so much, try to outsource some parts of it. There are many people are happy to work, you just need to find right people and pay them one part and earn the remaining.

+ Ask yourself: if you have all time and money on this planet, what would you do? who would you be?
At first, think about the ideal world where you can do what you really love, find something that you love to do then money will come out as a by-product of it.

+ And yes, find someone who you can trust and can share, or find a coach/mentor, don't just live with problems in your mind, try to express it. (For me, I've found lots of comfort from my Christian friends whom I can recommend to you if you want to).
And yes, just do like this, ask help from different people, those who you think are worth to ask.
There will be some even blame you but just do what you need to do.

+ Regarding your son, there are many mothers do homeschooling, perhaps it is not cheaper than actual school, but sending your son to school isn't the only solution. If I have a child, I may not send him to school, with seeing what I see now about schooling. Perhaps I will just hire tutors to teach my child read&write and basic math, then I'll find out his real talent/interest and develop it. Just my personal opinion.

I'm aware that I'm not yet good in what I've said, but I just wanted to share something. I'll let you know if I can find some other good ideas.


Best,
Khuyen

Dear Scarlet,

Thanks for sharing your story. I think that at some point of our lifetime, we have to face instead of evading challenges/problems which aren't  solved by anyone else but ourselves. Just try to love yourself and your son every minute, every hour, everyday, try to smile with your burdens and don't ever think of abandoning job unless you could find something better to do because unemployment could only make you more miserable and depressed.

You could learn wisdom and experience from people around you and especially from those who used to be in the same shoe as yours have successfully overcome such things. Buddha's words are recommended. On the other hand, try doing charity, to share and give good things to those who are more miserable than you and you will see life is still bright and worth living.

Wish you and your son all the best, Scarlet ^^.

It's not about jealousy or greed or need of money.
It's about how to get rid of stress in such harsh situation.
Simple job no stress no money for debt. Besides, my interest in death move to new level. It's not just a thought of finding a way out, it intrugures me everytime I'm with sharp things, on high buildings,...
That's what I concern about. However, good news is I spitted things out. It is really a relief.
Thank you for your kind words!

Persistent depression is often a matter of brain chemistry. I'm not saying those other things you mention don't matter, but it can be hard to change your thinking if the chemicals are not right. I've had severe depression since I was very young, and have tried all manner of things to treat it.

The past few years I've been experimenting with 5-htp to boost my serotonin, and it has helped me immensely. Without it I feel paralyzed and do not handle life very well.

Just thought I'd mention it, since brain chemistry can be corrected, although it does take a lot of trial and error.

I'm also considering medicine as 1 option.
I'll check more information about this. Thank you very much!

I have tried a few, so feel free to ask if you need any advice

I'm thinking of changing my diet to improve before taking any medicine or chemical treatment. Sure I will have too ask for your advice when it comes to that phase.
I'm looking to try 5-htp, too but don't know where sell it. Can you give me some information?

Thanks!

I order Natural Factors 100mg from iHerb - the best in my opinion. I break the tabs in half and take 50mg on a empty stomach  every day for about 4 weeks until my mood improves. Then I drop it down to 50mg every other day or every 2 days.

If you take it every day you get a tolerance and have to increase the dose, and higher doses raise my blood pressure and make me irritable.

As with other medications that work on serotonin, the main side effect is drowsiness, so I recommend taking it at night until you get used to it. Then just drink more coffee in the daytime if you feel tired

I don't & can't drink coffee.

Why? Can you drink anything with caffeine? I think all of the medications will make you drowsy so it may be hard without it

I have to think very carefully about taking medicine. Maybe there're some ways like changing diet to avoid medicne.
Thank you!

Before taking medicine, I think you should consult with doctor first Scarlet as there would be no typical diagnosis for everyone regarding the same symptom or disease.

Wow! That's a very long post, which after reading it, I think your issue is not so severe.

The main reason for all this probably come from long time stress. If you can cut the source of the stress and stay relaxed for awhile, you may be ok again.

Stress from parents/family: if they keep making a fuss about your life's decision or keep nagging you, you can tell them straight that it's not helping and make you want to end your life. If they can't stop, you should move out to where they can't find you and cease contact for a while.

Stress from work: is that stressful job really worth it? If you can find a way to plan your debts, try to maximize the paying time so you won't put yourself into so much work in order to pay the debts soonest. A relaxing average-earn job you enjoy and can do for 20 years to pay the debts vs. a high-earn stressful job you don't like and can only do for 5 years before committing suicide leaving your child behind, which job makes more sense to you? You seem like a talented person that is well paid for your work, if I were you, I wouldn't sweat because of a 50,000 USD debt (you didn't mention who do you owe the money to besides a failed contract so I assumed no gangster involved). Even you do easy job and can only earn 1,000 USD a month and spend half of it for living expense, you still have 500 USD left a month = 6,000 USD a year. In 10 years, your debts solved. No stress required.

Stress from yourself: you're worried being left behind by your ex-coworkers. Why? Who gives a fck who left who behind? And if anyone does, who gives a fck what they think? You're stressing yourself for nothing. I enjoy learning and improving myself all the time, because I want to and I love it, not because I want to race with anybody. This is probably your biggest problem so far.

You claimed yourself to be positive, but the whole post you wrote showed no sign of that. I don't mean to be harsh on you but optimism is what you need now. Why do you need to find a place to be safe & sound? You didn't mention anyone wants to kill you besides you having the desire to kill yourself. There's no place you can hide from yourself.

Through your entire post, you seem like a rushed, whiny and stressful person towards yourself (sorry!). Try to slow down, stop for a moment if necessary, look deep into your problems, crack them down to pieces and try to solve each of them.

I live alone and do everything on my own, which can be a fked up mess sometimes. So I sit back, figure out what must be done first, what can be done the following days, how long would it take. After finished my priorities, I lie down, read a good book, enjoy a glass of wine and completely ignore the remaining mess that can be done later on. Where there's a will, there's a way. If you really want time for yourself, you will find a way to do it.

I have been through many difficult incidents in my life. Was almost starve to death when I was 9 years old. I learnt a lot from those years and trained myself to strengthen my mind and find inner peace in what I do and what problems come towards me. That helps a lot.

Relax! Turn big problems small and small problems none.

Committing suicide is a good way for weak-minded and irresponsible people to run away from their responsibilities or any mess they created. Don't join that club!

I wish you all the strength you can gather and receive to overcome this harsh time of yours! Everything's gonna be just fine!

Ngan

P/S:
I would only consider medication after all of my TRUE ATTEMPTS failed. If that moment comes, do it in a developed country. Vietnam is not known for mental illness specialists.

have you tried true calm from iherb as well? it seems to work for quite a few people. i'm someone who has tried all the pharmaceuticals, prozac, clomipramine, imipramine, mirtazapine, etc. but failed to get help from any of them - got worse actually.

thanks all for sharing, and being open about this. nothing to be ashamed of (although it is usually the case in the asian culture). sending love and good vibrations to everyone.

Thank all of you!
I'm spending my time learning about my situation, to know me better & to find a way out. Herb is good. I tried a bit with my friend who has some problems, too. But I'm not into that type of herb very much.

I'm afraid of Chinese products and don't know much about herbs. I will take time to study it.

Do you have any suggestion? Where do you find them in Saigon?

I tried professional acupuncture along with Chinese herbs for several years.  It worked well for some physical pain issues I had, but did nothing for depression, and I tried different doctors and herb combinations.

hey hey,

feeling better? just google iherb, it's an online store that sells supplements and what not that can help you. it is not traditional chinese herbal medicine by the way, just plain old supplements. very affordable and ships internationally super fast. had it shipped to singapore in a matter of days.

do google the following as well - Phenibut, l-theanine, GABA, L-Tyrosine, and read others peoples experience with them. I'd give you the links but i think it's against the forums rules or something. Some of these really did help me (not as much as 'real' pharmaceuticals would), but it does serve its purpose.

all the best and sending you good vibrations from singapore!