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and also in the news ......

The rules are simple:
The news story must be real
The story must be linked from a reliable mainstream news site, not a weird made up news thing
It must be funny but not massively rude.

Spider bites man's penis.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-36136635

An Australian man has taken himself to hospital after a venomous redback spider bit him on the penis.

The spider's bite causes severe pain, sweating and nausea.

Nasty, any other symptoms?

He was later discharged from hospital in a stable condition

Ah, a lot of swelling.

I'm jealous of their ability

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-25922514

Methane gas released by dairy cows has caused an explosion in a cow shed in Germany, police said.
The roof was damaged and one of the cows was injured in the blast in the central German town of Rasdorf.
Thanks to the belches and flatulence of the 90 dairy cows in the shed, high levels of the gas had built up.
Then "a static electric charge caused the gas to explode with flashes of flames" the force said in a statement quoted by Reuters news agency.

I must stuff myself full of roughage and see what happens.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/ … -some.html

More stupid than funny:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/3 … hone-users

http://www.breitbart.com/tech/2016/04/2 … -marriage/

The plot is disclosed in the full title of the link!

Sometimes news reports get it wrong.

http://www.bbc.com/news/business-36162953

This is because the 58-year-old collects elephant dung that he turns into high quality paper.

The BBC are saying this is new, but that's clearly an error because I've been getting a load of dung through my letterbox for years.

In a move that is really going to upset minions, China has banned eating bananas in a seductive manner.

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-news-from … e-36226141

New regulations mean that live-streaming sites must monitor all their output round-the-clock to ensure nothing untoward is going on, keeping an eye out for any "erotic" banana-eating,

I wonder if Korean girls can save my Saturday evenings ... or maybe  aubergines are still acceptable.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-36240523

Brains are now banned on some flights in an attempt to make them zombie proof.

http://ep.yimg.com/ay/yhst-72401798943265/zombies-eat-brains-so-you-re-safe-t-shirt-2.gif

That elephant must have trained as a ballet dancer if he manages to crap through your letter box.  :)

I fancy a bite ... but maybe not like this.
I have visions of the wife pulling on his snake.

With that name and introduction to the wotld, Mr Attaporn could have a good career in the movies.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-36394819

A new topic for you, Fred. It's about humans who dress like dogs - apparently true, although I don't believe the claim that they are demanding to have separate restrooms, with trees in them.
http://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio … are_btn_fb

Gordon Barlow :

A new topic for you, Fred. It's about humans who dress like dogs

link :

it’s easy to laugh at a grown man in a rubber dog suit chewing on a squeaky toy.

I agree, it's really easy.

https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/ab09eb0fa6e3aefedf5cb53604c4d4bac84a529e/0_89_1700_1020/master/1700.jpg?w=620&q=20&auto=format&usm=12&fit=max&dpr=2&s=da73682d3090581a1ab6986c51342f68

As a note, I had to look up BDSM.
That doesn't mean I'm unfamiliar with that particular form of fun, just I didn't know there was a society dedicated to it.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-36378215

Norwegians have spent more than 30 hours reading out terms and conditions from smartphone apps in a campaign by the country's consumer agency.

Look, they didn't read the expat.com rules, so their PM service is blocked for sending spam.

No excuses.

Fred :

As a note, I had to look up BDSM.
That doesn't mean I'm unfamiliar with that particular form of fun, just I didn't know there was a society dedicated to it.

There's a label and society for just about any group of people these days

This guy has lost his marbles

http://www.reuters.com/article/us-west- … SKCN0YT1US

A federal appeals court on Tuesday revived a lawsuit in which a West Virginia inmate accused state prison officials of invading his privacy by surgically removing marbles he had implanted in his penis.

So, according to this study I am not 100% straight but or bisexual or masculine lesbian  :unsure :

gay study

I have decided upon a change of career.
I now wish to use my exceptional and well practiced skills as a spanker .... sorry, banker.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-36583486

A video has surfaced online showing staff at a Chinese bank being publicly spanked for poor performance during a training session, sparking outrage.
The video, first posted by the People's Daily, shows a trainer asking eight employees why they did not "exceed themselves" at training.
He then spanks them with what looks like a stick. Reports say he later also cut and shaved their hair.

http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/660/cpsprodpb/137BC/production/_90040897_newbutts.png

Different strokes for different folks...... :lol:

stumpy :

Different strokes for different folks...... :lol:

You should see the video.
If he'd done that to me or if one of the ladies had been my friend or girlfriend, his nose would be flatter than usual and the stick would have been used to give him a spanking he would never forget.
I'm amazed the audience didn't give him a slapping.

This guy has also lost his marbles, or at least one of them.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-36781296

OUCH!!!!!!!!

I'm amazed to find out it's a bad idea to play Pokemon in minefields.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-36841828

I've finally found my ideal job.

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-36843769

Kuwait is taking its campaign to lower the expatriate population very seriously.

Baby orangutan caught under influence of drugs to be ‘deported’:

http://www.arabtimesonline.com/news/bab … -deported/

I've just found an old one all about a man who was feeling a little sheepish.

http://metro.co.uk/2007/07/30/man-walks … fy-583145/

Saved because the main witness couldn’t take to the stand to testify they didn’t want to have sex and had suffered emotional stress.

Right lads, no picking your nose or scratching your goolies...

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-news-from … e-37156962

A dude by the name of Darwin had a theory regarding the ability of the fittest to survive and reproduce.

I believe him.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article … limit.html

He flipped his car, hit a tree and that ripped his goolies off.

Think positive; he'll save money on Christmas decorations this year.

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQON4YN0QuQu0CRfSVrbC-N9AWW2RfBxLbFcPJdS82ZFIK8eU6W

Never take a gun to a cup of tea fight

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-37196961

A 78-year-old former England rugby player has foiled a robbery attempt by three men, chasing them out of his house in Malta using only a mug of tea.
John Ranson says he slammed the door on the first intruder, threw the hot tea at the eyes of the second and targeted the third with his empty mug.
Police are still looking for the trio, one of whom reportedly had a gun.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-37196629

A man got stuck in a toilet, yes, the actual toilet.

Phew, what a loony.

http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/660/cpsprodpb/AEC7/production/_90934744_sattfastido.jpg

I wonder if the police had big batons.
This could have been evidenced if they'd stripped off in order to arrest the troublemakers.

LINK

A British newspaper (sort of), suggested in a second hand sort of way Mrs Trump did a little "Fun fuzzies for money", working as high class escort, but she objected to this and is taking them to court.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-37253025

It seems she's now trying to screw a Mail for money.

Buy a new iphone penis

link

iPhone 7's new slogan translates to 'This is penis' in Cantonese

http://jakarta.coconuts.co/2016/09/30/s … tersection

Ha ha ha

lukereg :

http://jakarta.coconuts.co/2016/09/30/somebody-put-japanese-porn-huge-videotron-billboard-major-jakarta-intersection

Ha ha ha

I wonder who will get the sack for that one.

Round the (U) bend

Glass bridges are one thing, glass toilets?

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-37515391

http://ichef-1.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/73C3/production/_91453692_722e4c4d-d6e6-42f4-8e45-2120bc31af67.jpg

Virgins

http://thespeaker.co/world/almost-half- … rgins-now/

Almost Half of Japanese Single Adults Under 35 Are Virgins Now

I'd need a few weeks, but I could make a dent in those numbers.

Mr Asp - Cow farts are not a problem.

Try standing behind one pal.

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-news-from … e-37618474

Researchers at Aarhus University have used DNA technology to make the grass easier to digest, meaning less gas builds up in the bovines' stomachs, the Berlingske website reports. "It is simply a better diet for the cow, which can utilise the feed more efficiently and therefore doesn't release as much methane when it burps," says senior researcher Torben Asp from the Department of Molecular Biology and Genetics.

Mr Asp (or M. Rasp?), does it work for hippos?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSKQ3ZNQ_O8

Busty Robots denied

http://jakarta.coconuts.co/2016/10/11/i … e-automata

Vietnam's hospitals can treat a broken leg .... and a broken penis

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article … ition.html

A Vietnamese man has been rushed to hospital in agony after 'breaking' his penis while trying an exotic sexual position.
The 59-year-old man was taken to hospital in Ho Chi Minh City where he told doctors he heard a loud crack while making love to his partner.
Doctors were reportedly shocked when they saw the damaged organ, which had clearly been snapped at the point where it joined his body.

The forum's male 'members' may now wipe the tears from their eye(s).

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