Some Jokes

Offend us some more... please

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatty , your bound to lose it eventually '

Who was your target??




If it was me


Then carry on.....I enjoyed that

Well, I notice that mm2 has offended everybody except for HIS native group, so I'll take it upon myself to do that right now!

Q:  Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A:  Because sheep can hear zippers a mile away.

MaserMan wrote:

Let's Just Offend Everyone.......

 
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'

Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in
court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatty , your bound to lose it eventually '

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and “Lebanese” were not the correct answers.


Could now be banned!

Is there something you'd like to get off your chest?

"Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in
court next Monday."

May also help passing by the pharmacy....

The  four Goldberg  Brothers 

The four  Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented  and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.  On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was  97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man  Henry Ford's office

and sweet-talked his secretary into  telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most  exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric  starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into  his office. They refused and instead asked that he come  out to the parking lot to their car.

They  persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130  degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the  car off immediately.

The old man got very excited  and invited them back to the office, where he offered  them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers  refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but  they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The  Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car  in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was  more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no  way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million  Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two  hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just  their first names would be shown.

And so to this  day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and  Max -- on the controls.

musicman wrote:

The  four Goldberg  Brothers 

The four  Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented  and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.  On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was  97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man  Henry Ford's office

and sweet-talked his secretary into  telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most  exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric  starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into  his office. They refused and instead asked that he come  out to the parking lot to their car.

They  persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130  degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the  car off immediately.

The old man got very excited  and invited them back to the office, where he offered  them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers  refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but  they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The  Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car  in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was  more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no  way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million  Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two  hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just  their first names would be shown.

And so to this  day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and  Max -- on the controls.

Was that a joke

In keeping with the midterm election campaign,

"Think outside the Fox"


"Palin, O'Donnell, Bachmann? I burned my bra for this?"

slyshooter wrote:

musicman wrote:

The  four Goldberg  Brothers 

The four  Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented  and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.  On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was  97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man  Henry Ford's office

and sweet-talked his secretary into  telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most  exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric  starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into  his office. They refused and instead asked that he come  out to the parking lot to their car.

They  persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130  degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the  car off immediately.

The old man got very excited  and invited them back to the office, where he offered  them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers  refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but  they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The  Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car  in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was  more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no  way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million  Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two  hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just  their first names would be shown.

And so to this  day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and  Max -- on the controls.

Was that a joke

but your comment was funny

MaserMan wrote:

Let's Just Offend Everyone.......


Could now be banned!

:lol:Maserman, your the best!  Keep on offending, it's great.

Julien, can we please have amnesty for Maserman

Alliecat wrote:

Well, I notice that mm2 has offended everybody except for HIS native group, so I'll take it upon myself to do that right now!

Q:  Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A:  Because sheep can hear zippers a mile away.

:lol:brilliant retort!

How many Scots does it take to change a light bulb?

16, one to hold it and 15 to get drunk and make the room spin.

Remember them?

Golf Joke..

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.



Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.



Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.



On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf. I read about golf. I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"



Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."



"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added. "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

TESCO EMPLOYEE

A man in a London Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'



As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

‘Liverpool, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Liverpool?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'



'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

Her diary vs. His diary


Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.










Today the STEELERS lost... but at least I got laid.

OMG!!!!  hahahhahahahahhahahahhahaha

This is for Julien......
We r mature and live like a family,if we joke on others we know how to take it on us and we dont post jokes to hurt any religion or community .
So plzzzzzzzzz dont worry we wont hurt anyone

I swear this on Allie's body

A man and his wife were seeking a divorce at a local court. But the custody
of their child posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had
brought the child into this world, she should retain custody.
The man also wanted custody of his child. The judge asked for his side of
the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and argued,
'Your Honour, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes
out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?
-------------------------------------------------------------
So what do think guys???????????

Mr. Ed and his wife saw their son coming home from school crying. They got scared and asked him what happened. He turned back to show them a note on his back that read; "Your son has been kidnapped, if you want to see him again alive and safe make sure that I get $100,000 dollars by the next day. Put it in the waste bin besides the tree in the park opposite to the school" singed 'Blond'.

The next day kidnappers goes to the waste bin and finds the money there with a note on it that reads; "How can you do something like that to a fellow blond"

nonz wrote:

A man and his wife were seeking a divorce at a local court. But the custody
of their child posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had
brought the child into this world, she should retain custody.
The man also wanted custody of his child. The judge asked for his side of
the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and argued,
'Your Honour, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes
out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?
-------------------------------------------------------------
So what do think guys???????????

Just show us the vending machine

nonz wrote:

I swear this on Allie's body

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

musicman wrote:

"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Huh!!! ya havnt seen my husband on my or u wont be pasting this joke

does he wear a skirt, by any chance?

Smart Software engineer

Once a smart S/W engineer and his Project Manager were traveling towards a town in a train. Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grandmother. Within some time, Eye-Eye interactions started between Our S/W engineer & that girl.

After some minutes, train started moving into a tunnel and it was very dark. Suddenly, every body heard a Kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping. Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.

Grandma thought that," The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is? He has kissed my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine; she immediately slapped that guy."

PM thought that,"I can't believe that this guy has kissed that girl! But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake"

That girl thought that,"I feel happy, when that guy kissed me, but I feel sorry that my grandma has slapped him".

Finally, do u know what our clever S/W engineer thought? " This one minute in my life is wonderful, It hardly comes...because, at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my PM."

now thats also good management skills, i believe

musicman wrote:

now thats also good management skills, i believe

yes mgmt skills blended with Spontaneous reaction.

Doctor Jokes: Also recommended for patients...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me tell you about my doctor.

He's very good!

If you tell him you want a second opinion,

He'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years

Before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.

At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,

So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."

The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,

"Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."

The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied, "When did what start?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember one time I told my doctor I

Had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.

One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these -

If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.

The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,

He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know, doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment,

Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

musicman wrote:

Doctor Jokes: Also recommended for patients...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me tell you about my doctor.

He's very good!

If you tell him you want a second opinion,

He'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years

Before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.

At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,

So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."

The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,

"Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."

The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied, "When did what start?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember one time I told my doctor I

Had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.

One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these -

If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.

The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,

He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know, doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment,

Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

good ones, especially "I wish you had come to me sooner." one

There was once a competition for swordsmanship. First came a champion from the US. He threw up an apple and swiped his sword at it. The apple was cut into 4 pieces and fell. Everybody clapped.

Then came the champion from the UK. He threw up a lemon and swiped his sword at it. The lemon was cut into 4 pieces and fell. People clapped even louder.

Then came the champion from Japan. He drew his sword and waited. In a lil while, a fly flew past him. The champion swiped his sword at the fly, and the fly flew away. Everybody was silent. The judge asked the champion, "What the hell just happened?"

The Japanese champion replied, "That fly can never become a father in his life"

Employee Evaluations
For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's been working with glue too much."

14. "He would argue with a signpost."

15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

22. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm"

27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
__________________

An essay had to be written which covered 4 topics..Sex, Royalty, Religion and Mystery as part of an exam.

One candidate wrote,

"Oh my God", the Queen said. "I'm pregnant and I wonder who the father is"

A Pakistani guy once visited the most famous Whore-House in the world; which had 10 floors and the ladies there were based on experience. Starting from the least experience and the top floor accommodating the most experienced one.

As he approached the first floor, he started negotiating with the pretty lady and once they agreed, he said, "But I have one condition". "What is it?" the pretty lady asked, "I will do it in Pakistani style."

The pretty lady paused for a moment, as she was very new to the business, she didn't know what it was, so got scared and replied, "No, I am sorry but I can't agree." saying that she slammed the door shut.

The guy went to the next level to try his luck. The same thing happened and was continuously denied till he reached the top floor where the expert resided.

When the guy placed his condition, the expert started thinking; "I have been so long in this business and have tried everything, how difficult would that pakistani style be"

"Ok! I agree, but I will charge you double for it", the expert said.

"Suuuuuure! no problem honey, as long as it is Pakistani style I would pay you anything", the guy replied happily.

The next morning, all the ladies from all the levels, gathered at her door, in order to know what that Pakistani style was, and as they knocked the door, found out it was open and saw her crying on the bed and got scared.

"I've never seen her crying before" said one of them. "Must have been a very bad style" the other replied curiously.

Well they approached her and asked, "What happened to you, was the Pakistani style very bad?", "Damn! it was", the expert replied weeping, "That ********* did me the whole night, didn't pay the money, and ran away"

Shh should have checked Wiki it before agreeing...

TASTE TEST

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"