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Marrying a Pakistani man

Hey.
I met this amazing British guy, born Pakistani online and we were in a relationship for almost a year and it was magical. We talked about everything - from the most basic things to our future. He's all I've ever wanted but now he decided to break-up with me because he says what we had would never work out. When I ask him for reasons, he says he is 'saving me a lot of crap' as I would need to change a lot in order to be with him.
I am willing to change, although he doesn't want to tell me what exactly I would need to change. He chose the easiest way and I hate that. I know there are certain cultural differences and he's also muslim, but I don't think that should be a problem. We still talk and a few days ago he said he will never lose his feelings for me. Although I tried to stay away with him to get over him, I just can't do it. I love him.

So my question is: what would I, as a western girl, need to change if I wanted to be with him and marry him? I've read tons of things online but I don't know if I should believe them.

Please help me.

This situation is getting common. I'm observing this and in close contact with people around the globe, since I'm on social sites.
Well there are a lot of things to review before taking a big step or a final decision.
And all that depends on what have you two been up to.
You can write details in personal.

Hope your confusions soon turn to solutions.

All the best

Iamconfused :

Hey.
I met this amazing British guy, born Pakistani online and we were in a relationship for almost a year and it was magical. We talked about everything - from the most basic things to our future. He's all I've ever wanted but now he decided to break-up with me because he says what we had would never work out. When I ask him for reasons, he says he is 'saving me a lot of crap' as I would need to change a lot in order to be with him.
I am willing to change, although he doesn't want to tell me what exactly I would need to change. He chose the easiest way and I hate that. I know there are certain cultural differences and he's also muslim, but I don't think that should be a problem. We still talk and a few days ago he said he will never lose his feelings for me. Although I tried to stay away with him to get over him, I just can't do it. I love him.

So my question is: what would I, as a western girl, need to change if I wanted to be with him and marry him? I've read tons of things online but I don't know if I should believe them.

Please help me.

Dear,
     First of all, you have to realise that if he promised to marry you and he is backing out of all that now after a year's relationship; then he has basically used you. This is the conclusion at the end of the day. I am sure that his circumstances haven't changed over the past year or year and a half.
     Secondly, there are families in Pakistan who quite easily accept their sons or daughters getting married to a foreigner; mostly sons; as it is a male dominated culture. And these families are from all walk of life; middle class, upper middle, high class, whatever.
      If you ask about the changes that a foreigner has to make; well, it all depends on that guy's family and him himself. If he is willing to stand up for you then of course it is not only you who will have to compromise but his family needs to do the same; that is only possible if he talks to them and helps them understand the beauty of your relationship and the good things about you. But if he is chicken s**t then it is the case usually where guys like him do fall in love and then don't have the guts to cry in front of their father and mother and stand up to what they really love.
     So, I suggest, that think about this whole thing carefully; if he is not able to stand up for you now; that gives an indication that he most likely won't do it in future either.
     Oh sorry, the changes you might need to make are quite simple; language barrier will be there for some years; that is if you move there with him to Pakistan; Pakistan is mostly a safe place to live; so, no worries; people do respect family members and if you are a wife of someone; neighbours will respect that; people are not that nosy anymore; clothing will be something you will have to look into; I don't know if you want to convert to being a Muslim; because that will always help a lot; but that is you decision; i don't want to discuss religion here but you need to consider this; even though it is allowed for a Muslim to marry a christian. Perfectly alright; but people usually don't accept this.
      Besides this it really does matter where his house is; how literate his family are; etc. etc.

      My advice; give it one last real good shot; try to convince him; notice his response; if you find it favourable; good; if not; try to forget him and move on in your life. I am sure there is someone even better out there for you. Best of luck.

Just let him go - he's made the decision and even if you get him to temporarily change his mind, he will eventually dump you. He may have broken the news to his family that you are not born Muslim and therefore used to the requirements and do not want to be shamed. Families have a lot of say.

I am aware of that but why would the culture matter?

Thank you for taking your time to write such a long post. You answered all my questions and gave me a good advice.

Thank you again!

the same question has been asked numerous times on different forums.

the problem is that those posting such questions have already made up their mind and only want to listen to what they want; yet they waste everyone's time by asking for opinions and advice.

good luck.

I have one question - how can an online "relationship" be "magical"?  You know  nothing about one another and whether anything that is written or spoken is true. Its well known that online dating is full of jerks of both genders, not to mention paedophiles, rapists, etc.

My other comment is that perhaps his parents have said he cant go and live in the UK as he has to look after the family affairs in Pakistan. So there is no longer a need for a visa or immigration status in the UK.

Hello Iamconfused,

First of all, entering into any kind of permanent relationship on the premise that YOU need to change is just inviting disaster. Permanent relationships of any kind are ALWAYS a compromise between BOTH individuals. If it isn't that way right from the very beginning then basically there is no serious relationship at all. What you end up with is one person simply dominating the other entirely and virtually taking control of every aspect of that person's very existence. DON'T DO IT. If he is not willing to accept you exactly as you are, then it is clear that he does not love you at all, end of story!

I'm sorry to sound critical of you and patronizing, I'm really not. I'm just trying to show you what you're letting yourself into.

What do you really know about this man? Do you even know his real name? Do you have a residential address and (landline) telephone number at his home, for example? If you have only his cellular phone or work number then there is a very great chance that is because he has something to hide. Have you actually ever met him face-to-face? Have you had contact with ANY of his family? If the answer to any of these questions is NO then how can you say you have any relationship, magical or otherwise? How do you know he's even legally in the UK? He could well be there illegally, or in the same kind of situation with someone else and needs to get out of the UK, or that is working out much better and he no longer needs you. Have you considered that?

Do you know anything at all about Pakistan, about the current situation in that country? Pakistani men will do anything possible to get out to a country where they can have a better life, including propose marriage for the sole purpose of obtaining a visa that they would otherwise never be entitled to. This is exactly why many nations have raised the bar substantially for visa applications made by Pakistani citizens. Here in Brazil, for example, it's virtually impossible for them to obtain any kind of visa at all. Governments do not take this kind of drastic action on a whim, believe me.

Have you considered the very real possibility that his so-called "feelings" for you have cooled simply because he's found more fertile ground to plant his crop in? Maybe he's found (or always had) someone else on the line who now seems like a much better prospect for obtaining that visa!!! Rest assured that is exactly his interest in you and nothing else. Slovenia is not the global economy that many other countries are, he's well aware of that fact and likely knows that there are a lot more fish in the sea. He's probably casting a broader net trying to land one in the USA, Canada or the UK. Sad to say he'll probably find one too, if he already hasn't.

Do yourself a very big favor and take the well-considered advice of everyone posting here, forget this guy and move on with your life. You will be thankful that you did.

Cheers,
James
Expat-blog Experts Team

Hello friends,

I read the above content with interest , I also feel concerned for our young and innocent sister who is venerable too. In Pakistan, we have a system of ' Checking and Verification' of a man's status whenever there is a marriage proposal for our sisters or daughters from abroad. Some relative or a close friend will go and meet the man and verify his legal status, job, qualifications etc even if it takes weeks or months before giving an approval.

I was very much hurt to see remarks by James who I still regard as an honest, sincere and respectable member of the EB when  he said :

" Pakistani men will do anything possible to get out to a country where they can have a better life, including propose marriage for the sole purpose of obtaining a visa that they would otherwise never be entitled to. "

I would never generalise and categorise a complete nation in one sentence. The Pakistanis I know and interact with around the globe are doctors, surgeons, business men, member of parliament in Europe, head of departments of faculty at universities. I see common Pakistanis and students abroad working as volunteers, translaters  working with Police and courts without and monetary benefit. In 80s and 90s, all the Army and Air Force officers including jet fighters in Saudi Arabia UAE and Qatar were Pakistanis. 95% of Bahrain police is hired from Pakistan and they have been offered Bahraini nationality too. The list goes on and on, these are the real Pakistanis who are nor drug smugglers, terrorists or cheats.  :one

I dont know what kind of guy he is, bue generally we are flexible with women. So try to stay close, reduce distances and differences. That would work.

Hi Iamconfused,

I read this interesting commentary and understand your situation well, I studied in UK and Germany, once very close to German girl, She taken decisions to marry and settle with me. Opposite to " James " comments, i never wanted to settle in Europe, neither in UK nor in Germany Though it was 15 years back but still the facts never changed, I had same decision what your boyfriend have now, i don't wanted to marry her though i loved her so much, and we were together for almost two years,  " claudia' was beautiful, talented painter. The question arise, why i did this. I belonged to a middle class family from Karachi, my family even could have accept her, but the circumstances , the society, the surroundings, culture and religion strictly to follow , could be a real test for Claudia, i dont wanted to put my love in such situation , where she had to fight for so many things, that she would have feel tired soon, i do not wanted her to change herself from inside and outside only to marry me, I believe this is exact reason , he do not want you to marry him, He loves you and therefore, dont  want you to put for a hard test of life , better ask him exactly , what he want and what u can fulfill, dont be emotional but realistic, many things related to culture and religion, really you can not do,,,believe me

Good luck
S.Haider

I might be young and naive but I really do believe in love overcoming any problem it faces. I guess I just fell for a coward that didn't want to stand up for me and marry me as he said he would. Anyways, I've accepted the fact that it's over, although I can't seem to move on. We don't have any contact anymore, though.

I tried everything but he didn't want to make it work with me. I realized we were completely over, so I blocked him everywhere I could except from gmail. He hasn't contacted me since then and I haven't either. I still love him but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

You've closed the book, now it's time to go on to write a news story - one with a much happier ending. You can do it, of that I'm sure!!!

Cheers,
James    Expat-blog Experts Team

Iamconfused, Better that you reach to a conclusion sooner then later , Good luck for future

Iamconfused - You're not the only one confused here. I am too, but for different reasons. There is talk above about his potentially ulterior motives (seeking a UK visa/using you for immigration purposes), but you said "I met this amazing British guy". So he is already British? I'm not sure why there is talk about his ill-intentions towards you? Anyway, since he is British, was this relationship also offline? i.e meeting each other somewhere in the country? It's quite confusing to be honest.

Yes, he's already British. His parents moved into the UK years ago and he was born there.
And no, we have never met offline as I'm from Slovenia and that's pretty far away. Also, we did have plans to meet but I kind of chickened out since I was afraid he wouldn't like me in real.

So that dispels the notion that he was intending to use you to immigrate to Europe - He is already a citizen so wasn't. I don't know anything about him, but can relate to the "saving me a lot of crap" that you talked about. I personally know quite a few failed mixed-marriages, and the main cause was the differences in culture which the other half simply couldn't tolerate. In fact I received a message a few days ago from someone who married and came to the UK less than a year ago. She is someone I had advised previously, but she didn't think it would turn out the way it did. She is Muslim, but from North Africa. She is struggling to cope with the cultural differences, whatever they are. She doesn't know what to do now. So I guess he has saved you from facing this dilemma yourself one day. Probably foresaw that you wouldn't be able to put up with the many differences for very long. This is not to say that such marriages always end up like this. But certainly worthy of consideration. You might think you can handle it, but reality can be different, and might start thinking about what you've got yourself into after the initial excitement of getting married wears thin. Easy to rush into marriage, and deeply regret it later on. I don't think he's a coward, but rather a realistic person. If anything, he should be thanked for saving you a lot of pain down the line by being frank and doing the right thing. A coward would be scared to admit the truth, get married, and run off at the first sign of trouble, leaving behind a pile of mess for you to deal with. So you should be glad the way things turned out! You will get over it. At least it's certainly easier to get over than a divorce.  :)

yes , the guy look to be right ,,,it is much difference of culture and is hard for western to change him as much as of their local culture,,,and moreover it is also hard to pass life below the required standard. it look it is hard for him to adjust and push u to pass miserable life.......

HI
    pakistani  Muslim men are   noble sympathetic sincier and trust worthy. But they  should keep in mind that  their match should be preferably muslim. each couple shoud  see future.living from hand to mouth is a curse.in  chosing spouce  heathy and prosperousness  should be kept in mind, hunger and richness is minor thing in islam. every borned creature had been promised to provide  food  by Allah.coupleshoul be honest reliable trustworthy  humble to human beings peacefull and loveable.
in choosing  spouce a great care should be consider,

XB23 can I please contact this girl from North africa because I am Moroccan girl have a relationship with pakistan guy and we plan to move to live to lahore after marriage i wanna know which obstacles that can I face if I move there

Well I think this is the old Post. But still I will answer it, just in case the member still need it.

I'm married to a Pakistani man.

I'm not a western, I'm Indonesian, and my country has the largest muslim in the world, I'm a muslim and I practice too but still He said to me, that I need to change a lot if I want to be with him.

I didn't know exactly what his mean, neither other Indonesian women who wanted to marry Pakistanis.

But after the marriage, you will realize,
"The change" is really mean "A LOT" even for Indonesian.

So for westerns, it means "Tottally change", "you can't be who you are"

What you should change is depend on his family and his society. If you think why the society is matter I can say, for Pakistani the society is really matter!
Including their cultures and traditions.

Most of Pakistanis who live in Lahore is more open minded than other Pakistanis who live in mountain area.

So check first from where his family come from and also his tribe.

Maybe you can see a lot of Muslim pakistani men are open minded even they drink alchohol and go for clubbing.
But you are completely wrong, because they will not do those stuffs in front of their families.

They are completely different person in front of their families. Even they won't post their clubbing pictures with the girls on Facebook if they have family members in their friend list.

So, this is the list, what things you should change :

Normal Pakistani Family

1. What you eat (if you are not a muslim), avoid  haram food, eat halal like them.

2. You are willing to live with his parents after the marriage and taking care of them.

3. Learn to cook Pakistani dishes

4. You need to get use to clean the house and do any house duties.

5. Wear like what they wear! (No bikini, no short pants, no tank top) just being modest.

6. If you like travelling/backpacking. You need to stop! No travelling without your husband. No more backpacking (staying at hostel, backpacker gathering, etc).

7. Be ready to loose all your Male friends. Most of Pakistani men have issue for contacting male friends.

8. You can't be so friendly anymore with the guys! No more guys, only girls.

9. Don't post any inappropriate pictures on your soc media, you need to delete them too if you have (bikini pictures, clubbing pictures, etc).

10. You need to follow his family rules.

11. You need to put more concern to his family than yours. His family is number one your family is number 2.

12. Pakistani men are more dominant, so you need to accept his dominant behavior.

13. Some of Pakistani men have issue about swimming in public pool. You need to go to the pool which provides ladies hours. No more mingle with guys in any conditions. (Snorkeling, diving, swimming, going to the puclic gym, etc).

If he is from modern family, then the requirements are more less.

Better you ask one by one. Like should I do this, should I do that.

You need to be more cautious if you find Pakistani or Indian men like these :

1. They are not your country Permanent residents/citizens. (Still Pakistani / Indian residents)

2. They want to marry you but they never introduce you to their closest family members (Father and mother) as his future wife/fiance.

3. They let you to do what you want to do, no restrictions, no traditions.

4. They never bring and intoduce you to his Pakistani society.

Most of the men like these are using you for the PR visa.

salouma87 :

XB23 can I please contact this girl from North africa because I am Moroccan girl have a relationship with pakistan guy and we plan to move to live to lahore after marriage i wanna know which obstacles that can I face if I move there

I join a whatsapp group for ladies who want to marry Pakistanis. It has a lot of senior members who married to Pakistani for more than 5 years, some of them had lived in Lahore, Abbottabad, and Karachi.

If you want, you can give your whatsapp number and I will ask the group admin to invite you to the group.

Hi Aseiya,  a fellow Indonesian here and a newbie in the forum. Mind if I join the aforementioned Whatsapp group? Not sure how i can privately message you tho...still trying to figure out how to navigate myself in this site :-)

Bijou25 :

Hi Aseiya,  a fellow Indonesian here and a newbie in the forum. Mind if I join the aforementioned Whatsapp group? Not sure how i can privately message you tho...still trying to figure out how to navigate myself in this site :-)

The group is only for Laddies. If you are female then you can join.

Hello/Assalamu alaikum.

I want to join whatsupp group too, as I am also considering marrying a Pakistani man.
Please add me: ***

Thank you so much.

Hello Sopia,

welcome to expat forum.

The whole point of the forum is to put our thoughts and experiences on line for other members to share and follow.

:)

Hi Ladies:
Can you add me in your whatsapp group? Im Viviana peruvian girl and my fiancé is from Pakistán. my Phone is ***
Tkns

Moderated by Priscilla 2 months ago
Reason : Do not post your personal contact details on a public forum for your own security

Hi I know every body has problems and I really feel for all of you but I need help and fast ,
I am married to a Pakistani man and he keeps say we don't have an understanding between us and I am suppose to make our house in to a love and caring house while he sits there and does nothing where is the logic in that and how can I turn my home in to a happy home if we can't work together,
He says he hates me pls help anyone

Hello Basanti welcome to the forum.

Every member here will be honored to help you but you need to elaborate complete circumstances surrounding you.

There are good and bad people in all societies and I keep advising young women to be extremely careful while entering into any relationship with men other than their own culture and nationality. :)

Welcome Basanti ,

Sorry to hear about your difficulties ...  Im also married to a pakistani , and can relate to whats happening to you  , at the beggining IS REALLY DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH ALL THE CULTURES DIFFERENCES , not the less the religious ones . Im converted to Islam , that can make things more easily , because theres a lot of principles and ideals  what is expected from a woman in the Quoran .

In general their pakistani personality makes difficult for us to quite grasp why they act the way the do .... but the only thing is that you need tons of patiente and understanding . Never confront him never speack harsh or reply anything!

Look for the help of the elders in his family , the older sisters , somebody elder or someone he respects more . To play referee between you two . The normal ways in paksitani family is to talk with a "third party" about the problems or issues inside the marriage ( yes I know maybe you will say :"why somebody else needs to know our problems ???" , but thats the way the deal with daily couple probems , I also needed the help of an elder in my first years of marriage)

My husband will also , always everyday threat me about divorcing or leaving back to pakistan, they always say things like that , they are so impulsive, wont think whta they say , the important thing is to leave them alone in peace not replying them or shout more loudly!!! or they will shout you even more!

Just leave him alone and he will ask for your forgiveness , because I think he is just overhelmed for not having his family around , friends, food, normal life, you know?

They are such "family dependants" , not in the money way, but in the social and emotional ways too , they dont wven sleep alone ! Not many are used to sleep alone or doing things by their own without the comunnity .

So calling everyday to the family and the good realtionship you can build with his family will make the whole world difference....

Hope you are better .

And try not to speak about these incidents with your family if you hope him to be accepted in your family or in your social circle . Or thats and stigma we or you wont take out ...

Good luck!

Dear Ms. Basanti:
          First of all; I hope the misunderstandings between you and your husband are over soon. Believe me at the end of the day; these are just misunderstandings; it all depends that how much time the couples take to realize it; usually by the time they realize; it is either too late or they are quite old by that time.
          Anyways, I have always tried to resolve the issues by first looking at what is it that I am doing wrong or where my shortcomings are or how I can make things better and believe me each time I have found the solution and it works.
         So, I suggest that at free time; you look at what you problems really are (and assess that if these really are problems - half of the things we classify as issues; they really are not issues; just something small that we give more importance then required); secondly, after identifying your issues; see what was the CAUSE for it and who REALLY was to be blame (actually I don't like this word - "Blame" this shouldn't exist in a marriage - if you know what I mean) and if it was you then just don't do it again; if it was him; at a decent time; when you guys happen to be discussing your relationship (in a good mood) tell him that you have tried to fix some of the things at your end (first mention that you have tried to fix your habits and will keep on trying to improve) and you would appreciate him to do so; don't enforce it on him; just SHARE it with him; and don't keep on reiterating it. Remind him after 3 to 4 months; if there is a need.
            Lastly, I do agree with LIZ; if you need help; confide in one of the elders; (if there is a need; you don't want to make small issues into a big issue). You need to work it out among yourselves. Only you two can solve your issues; no one else can help you or solve it for you. Please understand this fact: only you two can solve your issues. Usually us Pakistani (but it is like everywhere) love to solve other people issues; whereas our own life sucks. :-) But advising someone else is the easiest thing and makes you feel good about yourself. Not in my case. Alhamdolillah I am good :-)
           Well, this was my two bits; hopefully it helped. Listen to everyone but do as you feel appropriate; because then again we don't know 100% what you are going through. Make a wise decision by listening and thinking first and then acting wisely. Very difficult but can be done. Have a good one!

hello,i need to contact girls from morocco or algeria ,they're married with pakistani men,and they moved to live there ???? please help me

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