Short jokes

bluenz wrote:

This site needs a section for short jokes.  But how do we censor rude or racist type jokes? ( usually the funniest ones ).

There were three people on a plane.
A  #######
A ######
and a
#######
The #### turned to the #### and said "" I @#$% the #####. Let's $%#@.""
The ### heard the #### and replied,"" So @#$% is #### going @#$% in a @#$%!""

And that is the funniest short joke I've heard recently.
Unfortunately it loses some steam after censoring.

jimbream wrote:

bluenz wrote:

This site needs a section for short jokes.  But how do we censor rude or racist type jokes? ( usually the funniest ones ).

There were three people on a plane.
A  #######
A ######
and a
#######
The #### turned to the #### and said "" I @#$% the #####. Let's $%#@.""
The ### heard the #### and replied,"" So @#$% is #### going @#$% in a @#$%!""

And that is the funniest short joke I've heard recently.
Unfortunately it loses some steam after censoring.

[img align=c]http://classic-motorbikes.net/images/gallery/thumb_9193.jpg[/url]

Can you pls PM me the uncensored version, not sure if I've heard this one, I'll add it to my 5500+ collection.

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...
  ************************************

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'


********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.


***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

A Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry bloke
Walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.......

He sits at the counter and
Notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
Blankly at a bowl of
Chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
Hungry bloke
Bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I
Do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and
Says,

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches
Over and slides the bowl over to his place
And starts spooning it in with
Delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in
The chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
Back into the bowl.

The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got
Too".

That my friends is classic Glasgow Humour!

DirtyPierre wrote:

That my friends is classic Glasgow Humour!

I thought you were going to say that is classic Glasgow cuisine.

But I guess haggis is worse.

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved,
it's all tongue and groove...

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say
it's definitely race related...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking
through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids
outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't
hold down a job, she's not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently,
'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce
number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the
ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and
says
"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel
sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find
that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.

2 cannibals walk into a restaurant and sit down on opposite sides of a clown. Suddenly, one bashes the clown over his head, knocking him dead. They each grab a part and start eating, when suddenly one stops and says "Hey, do you taste something funny?"   

My friends mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is a letter of apology from the condom factory.

A lieutenant ran up to his commanding officer during a battle and said "Sir, the enemy has us surrounded!"  The commander replied "That's fantastic news, because now we can attack them from every direction!"

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview  looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The  detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,  saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said,
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly can't wear glasses."

One day a young boy stows away on a pirate ship.  A pirate finds him hiding behind some barrels and rather than throwing the boy to the sharks, he decides to teach him the ways of the sea.  The boy notices the pirate has a peg for a leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye.  The boy, being the curious sort asks, "Excuse me, Mr. Pirate, but why do you have a peg for a leg?"

"Arrr," says the pirate, "was boarding a Spaniard's galleon I was when a canonball blew me leg clean off!"

"Wow wee!" exclaimed the boy and after some thought he asked, "ummm, so, can I ask why you have a hook for a hand?"

"I'll never forget the day," the pirate replied, "when in a swordfight with three Dutchman I was and I lost me hand and now I have this!"

"Oh my!" said the boy.  He paused a bit and asked, "so why do you have a patch over your eye?" 

"Well, umm," the pirate said, "a seagull pooped in me eye."

"A seagull pooped in your eye and now you have to wear a patch?" asked the boy.

And the pirate replied, "Aye... it was the first day with the hook."

Talk about lame !

One day Paddy O'Brien, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
As the speck got closer and closer it became a figure clad in a black wet suit striding from the surf . Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous redhead!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and asked: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took the cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish Whiskey?" asked the redhead . Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, she reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket and handed him a flask. He opened it and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous redhead started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
.
.
.

Happy8888 wrote:

Talk about lame !

We're waiting for you to do better.

DanFromSF wrote:

Happy8888 wrote:

Talk about lame !

We're waiting for you to do better.

He may have been talking about my blonde joke? It gets confusing when posters don't use the quote button.
But the pirate was lamed after his injuries?????

bluenz wrote:

DanFromSF wrote:

Happy8888 wrote:

Talk about lame !

We're waiting for you to do better.

He may have been talking about my blonde joke? It gets confusing when posters don't use the quote button.
But the pirate was lamed after his injuries?????

Ahh, good point (nyuck nyuck)

Unfortunately, that's the only clean joke I know.  How much trouble would we get in if we crossed the line a wee bit?

DanFromSF wrote:

bluenz wrote:

DanFromSF wrote:

We're waiting for you to do better.

He may have been talking about my blonde joke? It gets confusing when posters don't use the quote button.
But the pirate was lamed after his injuries?????

Ahh, good point (nyuck nyuck)

Unfortunately, that's the only clean joke I know.  How much trouble would we get in if we crossed the line a wee bit?

Haven't I already?, I'm only seeing how far we can go, kids and prudes, shouldn't be on these sites anyway.

A piece of string walks in to a bar and says  to the bartender "1 beer please " the bartender says sure but "hey are you are a piece of string ? " The string replies " no , I am a frayed knot " !!        That is up there with the others

An Irish mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down Paddy... Calm down," says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation... she never got your E-mail!"

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Darn autocorrect.... I meant "wifi," not "wife."

Hmmm... ok.

Q:  What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A:  You can't put a blonde inside a bowling ball

Q:  What's another difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A:  You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball

Q:  What's the difference between "light" and "hard"?
A:  You can fall asleep with a light on

Let's see where those get us...

Happy8888 wrote:

A piece of string walks in to a bar and says  to the bartender "1 beer please " the bartender says sure but "hey are you are a piece of string ? " The string replies " no , I am a frayed knot " !!        That is up there with the others

My first jokes should have set the standards then, I'm amazed they haven't been deleted yet??? Maybe the mods do have a sense of humour after all?
  Lets see how far we can go then, can't see a problem if we use expletives?

Elevator Story

This morning I was beaten up by a woman.
I was in an elevator, at the time, when this busty woman got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?
So I did.
I don't remember much after that.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3hrs
to get her off the Ferris wheel.

7 Kinds Of Sex ....
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ...... 'Fuck You..'


The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)


The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more.. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And Last ... But not least ... The 7th kind of sex
is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME
WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own !!!

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day
roaming around in Spain .....
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles
from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.
There is only one serving per day because there is only
one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place
your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order,
and that evening was served the one and only special
delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter,
he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but
they are much, much smaller than the ones
I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins

LOL.  These are all great (except that frayed knot/fried newt/freed knight joke).  Keep them coming!

A woman goes to the doctors.
"What seems to be the problem?"
asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong,
I keep finding postage stamps
from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The Doctor had a look,
chuckled and said
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the sticker's off the bananas"

Oh deary deary me

DanFromSF wrote:

LOL.  These are all great (except that frayed knot/fried newt/freed knight joke).  Keep them coming!

I'm hoping for new material for my collection, not getting much so far.

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was
concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over,
So he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
''From all of us at the Fire Station..
We'll never forget you.''

bluenz wrote:

I'm hoping for new material for my collection, not getting much so far.

Pierre is doing alright.

DanFromSF wrote:

bluenz wrote:

I'm hoping for new material for my collection, not getting much so far.

Pierre is doing alright.

No, his material is getting better though, but I've already got all of them so far. ( I have over 5500 jokes and vid clips, 1.6 GB's )..

A female golfer persuaded her non golfing husband to have a game of golf with her.
On the first hole she showed him how to correctly hold the club and drive the ball; eventually he putted the ball into the cup.
He drove the ball quite well on the second hole, about 150 metres, she was quite proud of him and suggested he try a 4 iron to get the ball onto the green, standing quite close to him and giving him extra advice he swung back and knocked her out with the club.
Stricken, he run to the nearby club house to get assistance, his luck was in as there was a first aid attendant there.
Driving back in a golf buggy the first aider inquired as to where he had hit her, he said between the first and second hole,     Jesus     said the first aider, there's not much room to put a dressing there?.

A Catholic boy in confession says, Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.
"That's a disgrace, said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.  It was my own fault.  I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.  So I thought, F**k it, soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down
on the kitchen floor, not breathing.  I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves
breakfast until 11:30.

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death,
you bastard!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay."

A girl I know said the last time she had sex it was like the men's Olympic 100 metre final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5
seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own
doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

bluenz wrote:

Jesus     said the first aider, there's not much room to put a dressing there?.

Hahahaha.  You're definitely getting banned for that one.

$2.99 Breakfast Special, I love it.

If you are a senior you will understand this one; if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet, God willing, someday you will be.

The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.



DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Maybe we should all just go to sleep (with the light on !!)

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has
treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved,
winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frign bike.

Entrapment, the saga of the plastic chairs.
Video Clip