Monthly support to Vietnamese GF a mistake?

Been a few days since, and I am surprised at the amount of replies with a wide variety of opinions.  Most are of opinions that I should leave, however,  without knowing the other person in details or relationship itself people tend to rush to judge.  The mistake of my original post was asking people for their opinions rather than asking for their experiences in this matter. Needless to say and without getting into details,  this issue has been resolved. I do say one thing, long distance relationship is difficult. Words and texts can be misinterpreted and unseen actions can be misconstrued.  And because of the distance, time is plenty on your hands and you think about the meaning and reason behind the other person words and actions, often unfortunately in a negative light. One last thing, the large amount of replies to this post was because,  I think,  the amount of money I sent her.  There are a wide variety of people with different lifestyle and needs,  and because their needs are more than others does not make them to be suspicious of or a bad person.

So what happened?

yesterday, she asked for another 10 000 USD to fix the sick buffalo and demands now 2800 USD a month + a little bit extra, as mama and papa are sick

Well said NashCat

Hope it all goes well with you and your GF.

Hi,

I am a Vietnamese girl and would never ask my boyfriend for money if I got the job already.

I think like other people said, you should stop giving money to her now and she how she would react then you could decide if you come to Vietnam or not.

So ashamed when Western men think of Vietnamese girls as material girls.

l3ully wrote:

yesterday, she asked for another 10 000 USD to fix the sick buffalo and demands now 2800 USD a month + a little bit extra, as mama and papa are sick

So what's the latest news in this topic?
I agreed to one person here who wrote that you're a "Walking ATM"

NashCat wrote:

hELLnoi wrote:

It was you who initiated sending support VOLUNTARILY.
$800 may be a fair earning for a restaurant, which is equivalent to a manager's salary in a medium sized Vietnamese Company.
She may be preparing her apartment with you.
You DEFINITELY CANNOT stay with her and her Vietnamese family.
Best to have a heart2heart talk to get to the bottom of things.
It doesn't look good till now, but we do not know your love chats.

When she lost her restaurant and did not have a job, I stepped in to provide financial support to ease her minds. We did speak about her getting her own place before I return back to Vietnam in December and we would stay together. But today, I have learned that she wants to moving in with her girlfriend in a new place now. That bothers me, cause I have to stay in a hotel when I returned. I don't know if she give much thought to that or she just wanted to move out of her family house. She was independent before and did live on her own.

Lol...$800/month is too much for a girl who lives with her family. If i were her then i can save that money Otherwise, if she was a manager for her restaurant, she definitely to know how to manage with money, especial when she lost her restaurant. And should be respectfully to money, never wasting it. $800/month for Vietnamese girl to rent a house and something else? and now asking more to moving in with her girlfriend even she knew already that you gonna come back soon. Think about it! I don't know how to say but i can't believe it.

As a kid growing up, $1 was a lot of money to my grandmother. On my birthday she always sent me $1. My other grandmother sent $20, but it did not mean as much to her. Some people can toss $2000 around and it is only loose change to them. It is your money, do with it as you will.  Now if you want to make sure she loves you, I am able to cast a spell that will gaurantee her love and devotion. It cost only 20 million dong and comes with a non refundable guarantee.

Ancient,
   What a plan. Your one heck of a nice guy. Is that a LIFETIME GUARANTEE?

Pennies to one person are dollars to another and the reverse. I struggle too with the amount being sent but then who am I and what do I know?

bta87 wrote:

Ancient,
   What a plan. Your one heck of a nice guy. Is that a LIFETIME GUARANTEE?

For an extra 2 million it comes with a 3 lifetime warranty, some restrictions apply.

ancientpathos wrote:

bta87 wrote:

Ancient,
   What a plan. Your one heck of a nice guy. Is that a LIFETIME GUARANTEE?

For an extra 2 million it comes with a 3 lifetime warranty, some restrictions apply.

I think 1/2 a life time is OVERenough.
Then time to remodel. Heck this is the land of the young and youth is plentiFOOL! Hugh, eat your heart out. And thanks ancientpathos for the snake oil 

If I am going to be labeled DOM, I might as well enjoy it.

PS: dont ask me for USD. I only deal in VND.

Nashcat,

Glad to see you got your situation resolved.
Just remember the old saying "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."

Nashcat,

There are already 214 + contributions and if the answer is not there ,then I can only say, Love is Blind and Marriage will be an Eye Opener for you.

Step outside your own shoes and if someone else asked you the same question, what would the answer be?

Take the middle ground and test your relationship. You don't need to burn the bridges but don't burn your wallet as well.

Tito12 seems to understand Vietnamese culture and Vietnamese girls very well. But just in negative way!

coryander118 wrote:

Tito12 seems to understand Vietnamese culture and Vietnamese girls very well. But just in negative way!

Please please don't get him started

mikeymyke wrote:

So what happened?

Contrary to many opnions, the relationship is still on. Stronger than before because we have understand each other a little more. What I thought she did with the money was not true at all, like I said, long distance relationship create a lot of misunderstandings. We have agreed to discuss each month what the financial support would go to, as to better informed me. Not like before,  where I would give her free  reign to do as she please ... which was partly my fault for not being explicit.  Each relationship is different,  many people here rushed to judge and always look at it in a negative light

Then go for it.  Why ask for advice???

Rule 1 to happy relationship: Clear all doubts. Communicate.
It is always good to receive FREE advice.
You can live on less than USD800 like many of us.
Good luck in Vietnam. Looks like you are never too old to learn.

I like to start out relationships by asking her what are the 4 most important things to her in order of priority. Then I share with her my 4 in order of importance. After communication and some time both of us can make a relatively informed decision as to any further involvement. Of course both of us need to be honest from the start.

Yes, doubt is a bitch and has probably ruined more good relationships than anything else in the history of our species. *Always* give the person that you love the benefit of the doubt.

The Vietnamese have a *strong* sense of family... something that most westerners are unfamiliar with. In the US I know many families where one brother or sister is a millionaire and they have a sibling who is abjectly poor. This does not usually happen in Vietnam.

Everyday my girlfriend wakes up early, goes to the market and buys not only food for me, but food for her sister and her late-mother's friends. Several times I have accompanied her to her sister's house where my girlfriend, her sister, and two old-women cook up the most delicious lunch... there is plenty of food, so when they are done they all walk down the street to take the leftovers to the house of a woman with several small children.

This is Vietnam... these are the most beautiful people I have ever known.

You can bet that a VN woman will share whatever resources she has with family and needy friends.

hELLnoi wrote:

Rule 1 to happy relationship: Clear all doubts. Communicate.
It is always good to receive FREE advice.
You can live on less than USD800 like many of us.
Good luck in Vietnam. Looks like you are never too old to learn.

Indeed!
I'm glad my parents always taught me that good manners cost nothing. Always say thank you even for FREE stuff, cos it shows appreciation to others.
But sorry to say, in my opinion, I don't see that gesture from the OP.

NashCat:
The mistake of my original post was asking people for their opinions rather than asking for their experiences in this matter.


Instead of saying thank you to the people who took their time to give him opinion, his message confirmed that he doesn't need it.
I assume it is because of those opinion are contrary to his decision.

NashCat:
Each relationship is different, many people here rushed to judge and always look at it in a negative light

He should think about that before submit his thread here.

Bear in mind that once we posting a thread here, no matter what subject it is, there will always be different opinions from other people and there is no wrong opinion. Of course not everyone will agree with our point of view because in the end, it's up to us what to decide. But always appreciate others' opinion, no matter we take it or not!

I am sure there are quite a few, who has gone to the same school -
Nash just stop it immediately, the ladies from the school I mentioned are excellent actresses.

Congratulations CTVN. Sounds like you have found an exceptionally nice girl friend. She is however, exceptional. There are plenty of girls in Vietnam who are much less kind and honest, as there are plenty of ex-pats who are not kind and honest.  Best of luck to you both. 

hey coryander, it is amazing how we generallize when talking about others based on a limited experience

I think you should share what you re feeling now. You said you start to support her out of your heart since she lost her job. It wasn't really the money itself but I think you wanted to keep her life as normal and happy as when she ran restaurant with the financial support. But now the way of development of your feeling is concerning and you shouldhonestly share with your girl if you love her, saying 'Now that you have a job and make money yourself, I would like rather save the money every month in a saving account for our future happiness'.

Good luck..

Lets face facts, there are good and bad in every country - both men and women.
IF you're lucky you will meet the right partner for yourself.
BUT it doesn't end there.
When it comes to understanding the differences in cultures, back grounds and beliefs - THAT takes a very long time with a lot of patience, understanding, give and take on both sides.
NOTHING really worth having comes all that easily, especially in matters of the heart.
Western cultures in general are so different from the traditional, conservative Vietnamese cultures it's a learning experience that takes years and even then the 'average' westerner can find him or herself totally confused or misunderstood at times.
Usually, westerners really learned very little of the long and rich traditions of Vietnam and it's peoples before arriving in Viet Nam.
I consider myself extremely lucky to have found the most wonderful, loving, intelligent, well educated, caring LADY (BEAUTIFUL both inside and outside) any man could ever wish for.
It took years of chatting nightly on the internet (with webcams) to get to know her - not understand her - just to know her.
Another 2 years together in Viet Nam getting to know and starting to understand each other properly.

When you do find the right one for yourself -

Rule number 1 - the LADY is always right !
Rule number 2 - when she is 'slightly mistaken' - rule number 1 ALWAYS applies.
Rule number 3 - under NO circumstance EVER bring up anything that might arise from rule number 2.
Rule number 4 - see rule number one.
Rule number 5 - her family will ALWAYS come first.
(ALWAYS do whatever you can to keep your mother-in-law happy)

That's my 2 dongs worth.

Now if you will excuse me, I'm still trying to catch up on the past 1800 years of Vietnam's history.

Flip465,
I consider myself extremely lucky to have found the most wonderful, loving, intelligent, well educated, caring LADY (BEAUTIFUL both inside and outside) any man could ever wish for.

Well done... nice to here it can and does happen

NashCat wrote:

mikeymyke wrote:

So what happened?

Contrary to many opnions, the relationship is still on. Stronger than before because we have understand each other a little more. What I thought she did with the money was not true at all, like I said, long distance relationship create a lot of misunderstandings. We have agreed to discuss each month what the financial support would go to, as to better informed me. Not like before,  where I would give her free  reign to do as she please ... which was partly my fault for not being explicit.  Each relationship is different,  many people here rushed to judge and always look at it in a negative light

Well, as other people said, your mind is set and I'm happy for you. But as someone (like many others here) married to a Vietnamese woman (and who arrived in Canada last December through sponsorship) I can tell you that I'm pretty sure this won't end well. My wife can't believe it too, I just showed her the thread. There's something fundamentally wrong with the amount of money you are sending her, on many different levels, and I think your lack of understanding of Vietnam and Vietnamese culture might be the culprit.

This is a very common theme and one that I could have written myself after reading the first line. The sums involved and accepted by her are outrageous and add up to a senior management salary in Vietnam. I have been coming to SEA since 1990. Many will.cream.you here and some girls have multiple donors monthly from the west. Most of us need a helping hand at some.point but this is ruthless and you say she has limited time to talk with you? A good chance that she is busy with her boyfriend who gives her 0.
If they start to come.up with hard luck stories then get outta there fast. These girls are heartless and well practiced in their art.
Ok the test question; If YOU had a bad time and lost your income would she still wait for you and want you?
I think you know the answer.
Be brave and find a genuine person and cut your losses.

Good.luck

Absolutely right

It would be interesting to hear back from the OP as its been 3 years since he posted.

Yes poor guy
I should have checked the date.
Lets hope he saw sense and hes not still being victimi9

A "Good" Vietnamese girl, if needed, will do almost anything for her family including sell herself to a foreigner. In my case, 44 years ago, the down payment was 2 cows. I also set up a modest income through "Catholic Relief Services" to take care of her and her family before I was rotated out of Viet Nam.

Later on, after I returned to Viet Nam as a civilian, and was able to take her and our then two children to America. In America, my wife, started various successful businesses and financially, took over the expense of supporting her family, and repaid to our family what I had previously spent on her family and more.

Now days, we still pitch in a bit of our retirement income and continue to help the Nieces and Nephews through School and College.

A "Bad" Vietnamese girl, will do anything to keep her Pimp happy. Most Hookers, anywhere, are like that.

Which one is your "Girl Friend?"

This was an interesting read.  My wife keeps telling me to stop spending money on her family. Little does she know I've spent less than $1000 in over15 months.

On the other hand her family has put AC in my bedroom, paid for our wedding and has always fed me very well.

Great to hear one of the success stories but sadly for this guy another situation entirely.
Moreover the world has changed fast a d the Facebook generation are massively more informed internationally and have higher demands than ever before.
We all have a built in gut feeling about good and bad partners..some choose to  e wise and many kid themselves that the sugar daddy Senario is just the norm. Especially when vulnerable.
Again my key question. Would she stay with me if i hit bad luck and lost my income temporarily?
Answer yes and you have a good one. So look after her.
Answer no? Get real and cut your losses.

Congratulations on your success

I have a good one and I got my revenge after 40 years. I'm happy, she's happy and her family is happy.

If you're curious, read my short bio.  Smile

@ukteacher

Thank you for your kind and wise words.

I'd known my wife to be for 2 years and served along side her for a good part of that time before I coughed up the two cows. Early 1970's Mekong Delta Viet Nam is an almost entirely different world from today. In many ways the world that my wife grew up in was more like the Viet Nam of a thousand years ago than today's Viet Nam. Things have changed that much.